Thighs 'R" Me

Things are getting out of control with my weight. I MAY need to diet. Or exercise. Or BOTH! For anyone who may feel inclined to comment on the advantages of both of these, please don't. I don't care. They both suck and I don't care what anyone says about how good they feel doing it. These people have things wrong with their taste buds and for some reason can't figure out that double chocolate fudge ice cream with peanut butter cups in it is Manna from the gods! And if they don't KNOW that, how can I trust their judgment about my need to exercise and/or diet?? Let's get serious.

But my stock of summer dresses is out-dated and very much ill-fitted. And the frustrating thing that they're only ill-fitted from just above my waist on down. Which means if I replenish in the next larger size then nothing is going to fit right up top and I'm going to be floating, unless I continue to use my "smoke & mirrors" bras in the summer. (That's right boys -- the girls aren't real, sorry to disappoint.) And I don't like to do that b/c who likes all that extra clothing in the summer?? It's muggy here on the east coast, for those of you who were unaware.

I DID come up with a really good plan today though -- I am going to market a line of clothing specifically aimed at pear-shaped women who are not 70 and who do NOT like kittens and flowers and shit on their clothes. I'm thinking of calling it "a-pear-all", get it? Now if I could just reel in a designer for this project, I would be SET! We're talking about clothes that are designed for people with bodies shaped like actual women and not 12 year old boys, but bigger. I go to buy pants and they're like straight lines, so the waist sits out about a mile from my hips but the thigh part is NICE and snuggy. YUCK! No one wants to see that and I'm not lacking in self-awareness about that. And dresses for people who start out small (not terribly small, just not enhanced) and then round out as they go down. Where did all the A-lines go?? Just because THEY fell out of fashion doesn't mean that the people who need to be wearing them did! We're still here, y'all! We need clothes!

So, that was the am disaster -- standing in front of the summer wardrobe moaning b/c the 3 dresses that I thought would still work out have now been narrowed down to 1. We won't even get into the discussion about the dresses that didn't work out LAST summer that are SO not going to work out now. But if we were, we could just say that I am bitter. It's hard having a reminder hanging in your closet that only 2 years ago your thighs were smaller but you decided that beer and nachos were more important than your clothes.

And so -- stay tuned: you may be reading fun-filled stories about my forays into the gym and all of the beauty surrounding me there. Can't guarantee I'm going to be breaking any blogging records this weekend, what with my alcohol-laden 30th celebration and all. But I will try to keep y'all updated!

Love your show!
HP