Sunday, November 23, 2003

this wasn't even close to the lost post...

Last night I was attempting to write about how Saturday nights are so different now that I'm in the Relationship Zone. When we first started dating, it didn't take long before we slipped into a routine of "let's just stay in tonight." While many parts of me enjoyed that, there was still a part of me that felt like I was missing out on something because I wasn't out there too. It didn't take long for me to get over that too. Saturday night became a night to settle in and just snuggle with my honey. (Yes, the phrase makes me a little ill too but it's mostly accurate.)

So, when the rare occasion comes up for me to go "hooting and hollering" (as my Godmother puts it) on a Saturday night -- it's a bit of a challenge. I'm not used to thinking about what to wear or where to go or how much makeup or all of that crap anymore. It often makes me think about what I would do if Scott and I were no longer together. Yes, I'd be upset but life goes on and I know that I wouldn't want to be single forever, pining over the loss... I'd have to go back out there again. I'd have to do the bar scene or the internet scene or whatever and there's such an odor of desperation that hangs in the air in those situations, even in the most innocuous of places like the bar we went to last night. (A 40-something very drunk, very bald guy was trying to chat me up because I bummed a cigarrette. I suppose I owed it to him for the smoke, but I didn't wanna.)

And here is where I digressed last night and where I digress again this morning. Because even though I have thought about what my dating pool would be like if I were single again, it's only ever been in a surreal, distant kind of way. I love Scott. I can't imagine being with anyone else who complements me more. (I COULD imagine being with someone who COMPLIMENTS me more, but what're you gonna do? I could stand to compliment him more too.) I feel like it is a betrayal of those feelings even to imagine another way of life. That's why I wind up digressing, I guess it's a loyalty thing. It's disgusting, in a way -- but sometimes the truth is.

Anyways -- a new post is needed to discuss the movie and I'm over my own self anyways.

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