If you want disturbing facts...

Then look no further kids -- because I've just become a role model. Yup. Shaping tomorrow's leaders, that's me. Only on a much, much smaller scale -- I'm a pen pal to a fifth grade girl. Already the selective process has begun, I had to choose based on the name alone.

Let me throw a little background... My company has several local volunteer activities that it particpates in and one of them is a pen pal exchange with local students. I signed up several months ago because I thought it would be kind of fun to hear life from the elementary school vantage point. Perhaps take a wee bit of the edge off of old Heather and kick start that old biological clock. Who knows? Crazier things have happened. (Sidenote: It's not so much that I'm concerned that my biological clock isn't ticking as I am concerned that I'm not concerned. Or something.) Anyways, for some reason it kept getting put off. I almost forgot until I got an email today announcing that the program was finally getting underway. I thought we'd already have a letter, but apparently we have to kickstart the whole thing. There was a list of boys and girls at the elementary school that's participating in the program. Well, I didn't have anything to say to fifth grade boys when I was IN the fifth grade and turns out my feelings haven't much changed. (Although, don't I wish someone had said a thing or two to that lousy Sean whateverhislastnamewas?? He sure was mean to me and it wasn't all my fault I was chunky and geeky, was it?) So, I sorted through the list of names and I realized that we were supposed to decide based solely on NAME. That seems like a prejudicial thing, too. If you don't have a cool name or your name is too odd, you're back to being picked last in gym class again aren't you? I guess they don't know that, but I didn't much like it. And I got the girl with the coolest name anyways.

They had a Get to Know Your Pen Pal form that they encouraged us to use. It was crap. Here are some of the questions and some of the possible problems....

What college did you go to? You mean until I flunked out? Or rather, til I ran away across the country with a no good scum-sucking scumbag who wound up ruining my life? That story is probably best held off until the girl's teenage years, when she'll likely be able to relate.

What do you like best about your job? Why? It doesn't make me want to cry my heart out every day thinking about how I've sold my soul to the man as much as my last job did. That's not true, but even though I like my job and can explain to grown-ups what it is I like, an 11 year old girl will think that's the most boring thing in the world. I've already been rejected by 5th graders when I was IN the fifth grade, I'm not looking for a repeat performance. I want to pretend to be cool.

Please describe your family. We put the FUN in dysfunction! Do you know what dysfunctional means, honey? But seriously, how do you answer this question? I suppose it's applicable if you're like married with kids. Doesn't apply.

What kind of car do you drive? I hate this. I drive a Kia. And not even a fun Sportage, just a Spectra. A model that many people still don't even know exists. I know this because I look at automobile policies all day and I almost never see anyone with a Kia.

What kind of books do you like to read? How do you describe Chick Lit to an 11 year old? I like to read books about desperate yet spunky single girls who find love right under their noses just when they have decided they've given up on love.

But my PERSONAL favorite was What do you like to do in your spare time? It goes without saying that most of these things can't even be documented in the blog, so deep is my paranoia but definitely can't be recounted to a young girl. I like to whip up batches of Green Jesus and get my boyfriend to enforce them on my friends at parties where they are dressed in their pajamas.

Anyways. It should prove interesting. At the very least I may have fodder for my "column." At the very most I may learn a thing or two from this young girl. But, I really do think that only happens in Hallmark movies of the week.

Wouldn't I be so great in a Hallmark movie? Maybe they could do a spin off and do Shoebox movies! THAT would be the perfect venue for me!

A tiny little division of reality,
HP