History in Heather's Head

For those of you who have heard this story a thousand times, feel free to check back in when the news is refreshed.

My friend the Librarian was in town this weekend. The Librarian rarely lets her hair down, so when she suggested we hit a local pub for a pint, I was a bit taken aback. While out, we run into an old friend (mostly of the Librarian's) who shares some news of shared acquaintances. Turns out "Derrick and Vidalia" (not their real names, duh) are getting married.

And now for the history. Derrick and I had actually dated many years ago. He broke up with me, I stalked him, the rest is for history. A few years later, in what would then be an unrelated story, I met Vidalia. I stalked her, too. (I have a tendency of doing this with women I feel promise in. The need for female friendships in people I can actually relate to is strong. Perhaps, another blog on this topic.) We were friends -- good friends. It came to the point that we were pretty inseparable and most things that we did, we did together. Later, in what would then be an unrelated story, Derrick re-entered my life. We started by hanging out and this somehow turned into us being "umm, friends." (AKA -- friends with options. If you are unfamiliar with both of these terms, I'm sorry.) Vidalia met Derrick for the first time right before we (Derrick and I) turned our friendship into umm, friendship. Frankly, because they were flirting so much, I half-expected that the umm, friendship was because of his flirting with Vidalia. Whatever, I was single, I was bored -- umm, friends it was. He was single, he was bored -- there you go.

A few months go by. If even that long. It started shortly before the disastrous hair color night with my hairdresser Gothgirl and ended (tapered off, really) a few weeks before my 29th birthday. The umm thing hadn't completely ended, but the cards were on the table. Frankly, I was ready to move on, and I will admit he was even readier. I think we were just both waiting for the next best thing to come along.

Little did I know that for Derrick, it would be Vidalia.

A little more background. I loved Vidalia and loved that we were friends. She was completely honest with me, to the point of breaking my heart on a number of different occasions. Frankly, she was a lot more brutal even than I am. But, as much as I feared it, I respected it. Because, she had never really had a female friend, and she picked ME. I felt important, I felt needed. She seemed to trust my judgment and opinions. She was a couple of years older than I was, but I was drawn to her opennness and honesty. I was drawn to her lack of bullshit. So, when she developed an interest in Derrick, this took me by surprise.

Part of it was because she just wasn't honest about it.

Here's what happened, in as short a version as I can muster. A group of us went out for my 29th birthday. They (Derrick and Vidalia) spent a lot of time flirting, as did I -- with other boys at the bar. I was surprised that he came and wasn't upset that he spent a lot of time talking to Vidalia. The next night, he asked me for her phone number "to refer her to a contractor." I didn't think that much of it. The next day, she tells me that SHE asked HIM "out for coffee". She admits that she likes him "as a person." For days, this bugs me. I finally admit to her that I have a problem with them going out, she says she will back off. A little while passes, it comes to light that she has gone on a "big" date with him. I try to be cool about it, but a few more days pass and I realize -- something isn't right, I'm NOT "cool about it." I call her, try to talk about it, and we get into a big confrontation about it. I am told that I have to decide how I feel about it then. I am told I have to "grow some balls and get off the fence" (a line I will never forget, as long as I live) and that's that.

Keys are exchanged, life goes on. Vidalia and I are no longer friends, and she is with Derrick. And now, they are getting married in June.

Here's the thing. I have never "mourned" Derrick. He was a fun, cute guy. I like him. But, I don't love him. I don't wish things had turned out differently. He really wasn't right for me. Yes, we had been "umming" shortly before he and Vidalia had gotten together, but that was on a time line. That was going to end. The thing that I do not understand, have NEVER understood is why, why, WHY did she not just come to me and say that she was capital I interested in him and really wanted to BE with him. Why not just be honest with me? When I say I have a problem with it, it's weird for me -- why sneak behind my back? Why not open an honest discourse?? The fact is that if she had JUST come to me and talked to me, YES, it would have been weird and awkward -- but life would have gone on. We would have still been friends. Why was it so much more important to be with him than to just talk to me about wanting to be with him??

The Librarian says this confirms Vidalia's feelings -- if they are getting married, she took the leap for the man who was The One. I'm sorry, this is crap. Which I said to The Librarian. She countered that didn't I believe Scott was The One? Sure, but then we broke up in December of 2000. You don't KNOW someone is the one that early on, life isn't a movie. Scott thinks I am still hung up on Derrick. This is because Scott doesn't actually listen to anything, like I don't know -- my VOWS! Of course, HP2 agrees with me -- it's all about the fact that Vidalia wouldn't just come to me and have a talk about what was going on. And then, cutting me off completely because we had a "problem."

The fact is it isn't Derrick I have wondered about all these years later, it's Vidalia.

We have not been friends for FAR longer than we ever were friends. And other friends tell me, flat out, that I am a fool for missing her and wondering how she is and whatever. But, I do. I hope I don't sound too arrogant, but I do believe that she missed out for throwing what we had away. Perhaps she has made other, better (?) female friends along the way. But, as for me -- I know that true friends don't come along every day. I know that people make mistakes with their friends that they wish they could take back. I wish I could have tried to ride it out better than I did. But, so much time has passed now, I really think it is a moot point. I don't think we could have the same thing that we did, and I don't think either of us would ever want to.

But, still I wonder.

And even though I should end there, let me add this... How many people are dating or getting married or whatever who actually no longer speak to the person who introduced them in the first place? What do you say when people ask how you met??

Well, there was this chick but we don't talk to her anymore because she was crazy and close-minded...?

Wow...