Holiday Weekend Thoughts

I actually have a lot of random things I feel like spewing about... In no particular order, first I guess is the end of this holiday weekend. There's always a certain amount of near agony for me whenever a three day weekend approaches. Or any sort of assumed event weekend. I always think that I should be doing great, exciting things. Or at least eating lots of grilled food and drinking lots of beer. (Which I DID get to do, somewhat, thanks to my friend throwing a barbecue and inviting -- yay!) I just feel like I should be out doing "things", "things" that will make me more interesting and make me feel more fulfilled as a person. That never happens. I'm not sure why I attach such importance to having an extra day off of work, but for some reason I do. I'm trying to work on relaxing and just letting things go, and I hope I'm getting better. Saturday I had some people over to try to hang out and play games and get rid of some of my excess alcohol, neither one of which was terribly successful. There's always someone who doesn't like at least one game you want to play and there was no where NEAR enough alcohol consumed, which means I'm still inundated with beer and liquor. Further proof that I do NOT party like a rock star when I am home alone, contrary to popular belief, and that my friends are WIMPS who can't handle their liquor! ;-)

Sunday I went to the barbecue and then we were supposed to go see a comedian at a new club down at the beach that doesn't have its liquor license! For pity's sake, I can't think even the funniest person is funny without a buzz on if I had to pay $10 to see them! So, we went over to a friend of S's and watched Mulholland Drive. I was not sober when I saw this film and I'm STILL not sure if that helped or not. I'm really hoping that someday someone can explain this movie to me without hurting my head and/or scaring the crap out of me -- because both of those things were going on then. (Of course, there is ALWAYS the heightened experience when I watch scary movies with S because I never really know when he's going to jump at me and "BAH!", so it's kind of like 3-D terror) I spent all of last night dreaming about the damned movie -- I kept waking up thinking I had finally figured out WHAT the point was, but then it would fade away again. It made me long to see Dumb & Dumberer, a movie whose plot I think I can figure out no matter WHAT condition I'm in when I don't see it...

Today I shopped for a dress to wear to a wedding that I don't really want to go to, but it's a family obligation thing. That's always a debilitating experience, as any regular readers (the Tenacious Trio I like to call y'all!) can attest. I know I need to care about my weight and work out and stuff, but have you seen how comfy my couch is? And there was a Trading Spaces marathon on TLC. Who could resist all of that? Especially when they have tostitos and cheese dip for dinner to go along with it?? I found a dress but I look like someone's mom in it. Sad. I used to be cute and sassy and stuff. Now I still am, but just in a Betty Crocker kind of way, I guess...

LOVE LETTERS

The other thing that my weekend entailed was watching Pretty Woman for the 19th billion time. It's these kind of movies that makes me feel sorry for men, especially for S. Yes, the movie is about a hooker and it's not really romantic when you look at it from that perspective, but who does? Cynics! Which while I play one on tv, I am not. Sometimes, I feel like Anne Frank -- in spite of everything, I still believe people are good at heart... In spite of everything, I still believe in the fairy tale. I mean, I've been there and done that and had the really bad marriage scars to prove it. (I saw a really cute card today that said something like I may have emotional baggage, but at least it's a cute, matching set) I think it's because I'm such a romantic and an optimist underneath ALL of the layers of bullshit that I have managed to move past the marriage incident. While I haven't split personalities (and now, I'm Betty -- a naive starlet arriving in Hollywood) I don't associate any of that stuff with anything that is part of my life. Frankly, that is another very long, VERY boring, very psychoanalytical blog that we won't get into. But I have seen SO many "boy sweeps girl off her feet" movies that I have just come to believe that that's the way it should be. And even though I bear witness to it, time and time again, I still believe it.

And that's why I think I have so many mixed feelings when it comes to marriage. I want the fairy tale, I want to be with that man who is going to sweep me off my feet every day but the reality is that there's too much that goes into the daily grind that it's not possible to expect that of anyone. I don't think he could expect it from me, after all. And that's where I get cold feet, I think, because I have a hard time imagining the compromise between the two working out -- the romance and the practicality -- and not feeling like someone's going to wind up being terribly disappointed. After all, I get pretty mired in the details and I can be crabby and naggy and all the other negative stuff. I know I have a lot of good qualities too, but frankly -- I'm pms'ing now AND I'm trying to quit smoking slowly and I'm jonesing for nicotine like BAD and all of these things lead to me feeling negative about myself in general.

Anyways -- let me just say this... I don't always get the sweep me off my feet stuff with S, but he does continue to surprise me, even in the littlest things and that helps keep my feet warm.

I'm off for some much needed rest -- I imagine y'all need a nap too if you've read THIS far!
HP