One of my favorite things in life is old friends. I have friends that I have known for a LONG time, which is saying a lot considering that I am only 30 and I have known some of my friends for 15 years. And tonight, one of my oldest friends is in town so we hung out and did some catch up. It's very relaxing being with a man who has known me that long (we met when I was in the 8th grade) -- there is none of that bullshit stuff that comes up with "real" men. I don't have to downplay my melodramatic tendencies or my self-centeredness or my complete lack of ambition -- he does not care, we are just friends. And it's not that my boyfriend cares about these things, per se, but they do have SOME impact on him so there's some level of trying to downplay these kinds of things. (Although, my feeling is that he would strongly disagree with the level of downplaying, but what he doesn't know doesn't hurt) I just have a constant need to impress the men in my life, particularly S, but this never seems to be an issue with my friend. There's just a level that you get to in long-term friendships that is a beautiful thing. A. comes to town and it's like he never left, we just totally pick right up from where we left off. We talk about everything and nothing -- in great lengths. We can speak in rember when's? and the memories totally make sense. It's nice having that with someone. I don't do well with men in general (which is odd, because a lot of my friends are men), so it's always nice to know that I have at least ONE relationship with a man that I haven't completely screwed up by being me.

Hmmm... I'm instant messaging with my g/f who said that she's been reading my blog and I've been "questioning myself a lot lately" -- thanks to everyone for riding along on that particular journey. The short version is that I live with a lot of fear in my personal life -- fear of being hurt, fear of being stagnant -- and that makes me question everything. For the long version, you'll have to wait for the book or the next explanatory blog! ;-)

HP