on nagging

Had a lengthy chat with my Dad tonight. About this, that and the other thing. Dad doesn't really get the positive reinforcement from Mom so I try to keep that end of our relationship up. But, it's a hard balance because I still have to stick up for Mom while trying to hear his side of it.

He exemplifies so much of what I don't understand about men in relationships that sometimes I keep certain conversations going just as a case study. Particularly when he is complaining about this or that that Mom did. I ask him if he has TALKED to her about this or that and the answer is almost always "no, why would I bother to do that?" or "what good would it do?" And on the one hand, my mother is the queen of stubborn. Trust me, she makes me look like PIE to deal with on some issues -- you just have no idea. She's deaf and an extreme isolationist so her opinions of the world are very firmly held even if they don't always make sense to the average observer. But still, I think that what's happened here is that years and years of him not bothering to talk to her about this issue or that one has just cemented her belief that she is right to be so tenacious about not letting some things go that she really should. It's hard to explain without going into TOO much specific detail, but Dad's job is commission-oriented and so Mom is always on him about when this deal is going or that deal. I said why don't you just stop telling her about the stuff you're working on, then? But, no because then she wants to know WHY he isn't working on anything. So there's this cycle of nagging and withdrawal from said nagging that goes on forever.

I'm fascinated by this cycle because I have this pattern in my own life and I really want to break it. The problem is that both people have to acknowledge that there is this THING going on, this cycle, and then have to agree to communicate about it. And it just seems like early on in this cycle, Dad never said -- hey, this isn't what's going to work here and here's why. Try THIS instead. And herein lies the problem I think -- we as women have certain objectives we want from being in a relationship and don't always get clear directives from men on how to make these things happen. We nag because that's what we saw OUR mothers do; we don't even realize we do it. I know I don't. I mean, I know I nag -- trust me, but sometimes what is interpreted as nagging is not intended as such. And yes, sometimes I DO intend to nag and I don't always even apologize for that.

I also think that the nagging tone that comes out, well that's because women don't want to have to be saying the things that we are saying. We just hope that things will magically happen without our having to bring them up. This doesn't happen and we get irritated because if men can't read our minds then the element of surprise when they DO the things that are on our mind is gone. Confusing, eh? Just put the toilet seat down, buy flowers once in a while, and call your mother and we are HAPPY! Well, we're not ecstatic but sometimes -- it really is that simple.

Well, it's not that simple but we've got to start small on this breakdown of nagging.

I was going to make an effort to keep the blogs shorter in an effort to get someone to read it. Oh well!
-HP