Note to self: Don't try to write when you haven't really had coffee or from other people's houses. It really is not quite the same. Sometimes I think the greatest contradiction in my character is that I love to be around people -- feed on it, THRIVE from it, really (like plants with water) -- and yet, I never seem to really be able to relax relax and just be myself around other people. Most people. It's not a slam on anyone, it's just interesting to me that as much as I seem to not derive enjoyment out of my alone time, that's the only time that I really am just ME. Who I want to be, what I want to think, going where I want to go, and feeling how I want to feel. I think it's because I have such a deep-rooted fear that other people won't really like who I REALLY am that I just can't let it all go. This has to be censored, this has to be amped up and always -- "the Heather Show" must go on. Loudly, boldly, strongly, confidently.

Frankly, I am not always that loud and bold and strong and confident. Sometimes I don't have the answers and don't even care what the questions are. Would be alarmed if the questions were presented, even.

It's not that I don't like putting on "The Show", I do or I wouldn't. But the expectation that the show has to go on, even that expectation from people who don't LIKE the show -- it's a little draining sometimes. Sometimes, I don't feel like being crass and witty and rude -- sometimes I genuinely want to be polite and reserved.

I do. I hear you out there in shocked amusement of how little I know myself, but that poses the question, doesn't it? Do I know me that little... Or do you?

These deep thoughts are brought to you today by Heather's Overgrown Lawn -- which Heather plans to go and conquer right now!
-HP