Ms. Not-so-Independent

I'm starting to wonder, on this day that we celebrate our freedom (that would be we white people, apparently, because it's not as if EVERYONE were freed today), what it is about me that makes me cherish my NON-free times so much. Those times that I'm whipping up social activities or being up my boyfriend's ass or at work or what-have-you, when my time is not entirely my own. I spent many years of my life so involved in not being genuinely leisurely, that now that I am in a phase in my life where I actually have leisure time -- I resent it. I feel like my life is not as full because I have time to actually enjoy things. Enjoy just sitting around and letting go. What could be wrong in someone's wiring that they don't enjoy just being by themselves? In my own company. How can I expect OTHER people to want to enjoy being around me when I don't enjoy it??

I think it's just the passing of time, the shifting of seasons. People come but when they leave you find that they are irreplacable. Interests wane and nothing seems to wax to fill that space. I really DO feel like life is what happened while I was busy making other plans. And then, I find that I look around and the card houses that I was building have all fallen while those around me long ago figured out that the only way to go was brick...

You know how you drive through some neighborhoods and there are all these nice, pretty little houses but then out of nowhere there's an older, dilapidated house that just seems like its owners couldn't figure out how to keep up with the Joneses? That's what I feel like sometimes -- the older house who missed the upgrade.

But, now that I realize this then I'm going to be making a conscientious effort to upgrade MY house. Throw on a coat of paint and go out and meet the neighbors, figuratively of course. Open up my doors and let the sunshine in.

Okay. I'm going to start by going out and embracing three days off with no plans and no destinations and I'm going to have a good time doing it or die trying!

-hp