UNfunny stuff... Please disregard

I am not really sure what happens to me that I go through these periodic Eeyore like funks that calls into question everything about me and my place in the universe and my place in the lives of the people I hold dear. I feel as though all of a sudden I've been sucked into some sort of emotional quicksand that I can't seem to struggle out of... Whenever this happens, I examine the wallowing at great length. I don't understand it. There are things about myself that I know empirically to be true and yet when this blue thing starts crawling on me, I just can't shake the feeling that all of the things I have always believed to be true abut myself -- really aren't. That I've been lying to myself all along and that other people have gone along for the ride b/c they are, in effect, good people and don't want to see me hurt. Especially by my own demons. And I do a lot of putting on the glad face and roll along with the punches, but underneath all of that I feel like I am trapped inside of myself watching everything happen through a glass wall. Who AM I? How did I get here? And why don't these people realize that I am not good enough?

Here's what's strange about these mood things. First, not PMS. I'm in tune with the calendar and that's not what's going on. Second, no logical reason for me to suddenly start feeling REALLY crappy about myself all of the time. It's like I just woke up one morning and everything I believed about myself the day before ceased to be true. Like some random Saturday, I'm cute and relatively smart and funny and have my shit together and by Tuesday I'm a collossal mess of dumbness and fat and evil and on and on. And I can't make it stop. Until eventually, it just does. Something shifts in the universe and the stars change positions or whatever and then I just feel like me again. Not a superstar, but content with who I am. It's like the emotional cold (not even the flu b/c there's a shot for that but as we all know -- no cure for the common cold). It starts with the sniffles -- feeling minorly insecure about one minor thing. And then it moves on to the congestion -- the "one thing" leads to two or three. And then the aches -- a vague sense of dread that I am wasting people's time just talking. And then it's ON -- with the emotional equivalent of fever and nausea and the whole gamut just taking over all of my senses. No one knows where it started and no one seems to be able to say the things to me that make it go away. Even *I* know, deep in my bones, that it's ridiculous to be feeling so mopey. After all, if you stop to think about the reason for your existence all the time, then you'd probably be depressed and feeling worthless most of the time.

So, I examine the parts that put me together and how I got to be on this trip and I really do not understand the root cause of my insecurity. Do I blame my mother in some trite Freudian way? Genetics? Life? Me? I'm not above blaming me, if I knew why it was MY fault. Last night, S told me that you can't plant bamboo just anywhere b/c it roots ferociously and you will never get rid of it. That's how I feel about the insecurity -- like it's rooted in me and spreading through me like roots tangling up in my emotional bloodwork system. I just have to get in there and whack it out and wait for the veins to reassemble to their natural state. I know they will. They always do. It's just like waiting for the cold to be over -- you're so sick and miserable that you think you will NEVER feel right again.

And then you do. And so will I. But I think in the meantime, perhaps it's best if I try to limit my blogging in case anyone really IS reading this and becomes mired in their own funk b/c they caught mine, like the cold -- the emotional cold is contagious too. In the interim, I will -- as promised -- run some "reruns".

Pass the mental sudafed,
hp