HOME, HOME AND DERANGED

Ok. I'm not deranged, but I couldn't come up with a better hook line. Well, ok -- I AM deranged, but only a little. Mainly because I'm stuck at home today because I'm feeling a little under the weather... Did big Easter meal over at boyfriend's parent's house (along with my own parents) and I think I over-did it. It's funny that I'm a little, chunky girl when really I don't actually think about eating that much. So, when I'm surrounded by a feast of fabulous succulent food choices I tend to go crazy. And when you spend most of your life not really focused on eating high on the hog, it's a STRANGE occurrence in your body. My stomach's been confused and angry since late last night. I honestly didn't think I was going to be able to get in my car and drive home.

And one of the annoying things is that here I have this nice day off and could be DOING productive things but just don't feel good enough to get dressed and go out and do stuff. I mean, they're stupid things but they need to be done. One of them involves my intense need to go grocery shopping and I just REALLY don't feel like being surrounded by food at this particular juncture. I hate going to the store anyways but now, I can't even look full on at commercials about food.

But my loyal audience is waiting for news and views from my world and I feel compelled to fill this space with some random garbage pouring out of my head. I think I'm just going through some kind of phase where I need to validate my existence because I'm hitting that 30 benchmark. So I throw out words into the web hoping for feedback and I throw myself into my friendships and relationships because I need to feel like I am here for a reason! I need to believe that things are going to expand. And part of that expansion needs to come from me (and not just my waistline) -- needs to come from me validating my OWN existence. And I'm not sure if that is something that I am capable of, which scares the crap out of me. I think there is a part of me that believes that one day the Life Fairy is just going to come swooping in and touch me with her magic wand and I will suddenly feel like I really do have control of my own destiny and I will suddenly truly understand what I am supposed to be doing. And WHILE she's here she will clean out my house of all the crap that I have acquired from other people and don't have the courage to refuse so it just clots up my life and makes me feel like I am not even my own person because I don't even get to pick out my own crap. I think it's hard to feel validated in your own existence when you have always been an extension of someone else's. Someone's daughter, someone's wife, someone's friend, someone's... something.

Sometimes I feel like I am just a projection on the screen of other people's minds of who they think I am and what they think I am about.