EPIPHANY!

I don't think I have time to write all this before I go to work, because it was a shower epiphany and those are the BEST kind. Do you do this? Mull over your deep thoughts while in the shower and somewhere between the lather, rinse, repeat -- the ANSWER comes to you. It's the best when it happens and when it doesn't, no biggie either because you're usually thinking about your post-shower routine so you forget about the BIG question.

So, I'm an only child. Came from a somewhat over-protective background -- not as much as some of my friends, far more than others -- where are you going? What are you doing? When are you going to be back? Let me dig into your private thoughts and read your journal and your email and listen to your phonecalls. You're going out in THAT? And from this station in life I almost immediately hooked up with a man who was 10 years older than me, right when I was on the brink of freedom. He was emotionally, verbally and occasionally physically abusive -- a fabulous cocktail stirred with a sense of self-righteousness. I thought I loved him and wound up throwing away 7 years of my life on that relationship. Because he was over-protective -- where are you going? What are you doing? When are you going to be back? Let me dig into your private thoughts and read your journal and your email and listen to your phonecalls. You're going out in THAT? I think I have spent the bulk of my formative years believing that if someone wasn't trying to get into my head and figure me out without my consent that this must be some kind of love. Because this is how my brain has been formed. And now, that in my life I have someone who gives me freedom and respects my thoughts and privacy... I don't always know how to handle that. How can you love me if you actually RESPECT me? If you believe that I am capable of taking care of myself, then what do I need you for?

Fucked up, isn't it?

It was quite the wake-up call amongst the multiple bottles of shampoo and body wash and lotion and so forth. And the rubber duckies. I need you because you DO believe that I'm capable of taking care of myself and not only do you love me in spite of that, you may love me BECAUSE of that. You even believe that I can do more than even I think I am capable of -- WOW!

The sort of revelations make the morning just SING -- and the day and the week and MY LIFE! Because now that I realize that I can relax and just be myself and it's okay not to always be over-protected, because I can protect myself -- then look out world! I can finally appreciate being appreciated. It's a wonderful thing, you just don't even know...

Would love to further expound with more clarity, but the beaty ritual awaits!

much love,
HP