"yip, yap rattletrap"

For those of you who read the blog but don't get the occasional email from me as well (have NO idea who these people would be) -- I enrolled in my class. It's called the Psychology of Personal Adjustment. It's a journey into self-discovery and self-awareness through online discussion. I plan to just link to the blog and assure myself an "A". Har har.

But, on this note -- I had the single most disturbing realization about myself in my LIFE last night. It's this completely obvious thing about me that while I was aware of and have even joked about regularly, I never really accepted it. What is "it"? This: I really like to hear myself talking. A lot. It's disgusting. I'm addicted to it. I prattle on and on and on and can't make myself stop. Largely because I didn't really realize that it was as obnoxious as it was until last night when I actually realized just how much I was blathering on and on and even after realization hit, I could not make myself stop. Every thought that popped into my head needed to be verbalized. I realized too that one of the things that makes me go all Chatty Cathy is because I'm happy. But mainly, it's very obvious that I must need like continuous reaffirmation that ALL of the crap in my head is not just crap. What is THAT about?!

So, I'm disturbed. I've built an empire on my own voice and my feelings about it and now I'm realizing that this may be a large reason why I'm drifting away from friends and having a hard time developing new friendships. My utter attachment to me and my belief that everything I have to say is completely fascinating. Because, you know what? It's not.

And before I get the responses of "that's just you, Heather" and "we don't think you're quite THIS bad" and "what's going on that you're suddenly so negative about yourself" let me just state for the record... I like me. I like BEING me. But I like other people too and I think my constant prattling doesn't allow for other people to open up and share THEIR stories too. And after all, other people are GREAT sources of material! I'm stealing my cousin's love story and turning it into a movie. My friend's various "bad man" stories give me simultaneous reasons to men bash AND to appreciate -- again -- how cool my own boyfriend REALLY is. (Because he is really cool.)

So, that's all. I'm just going to work on being a little more attentive and little more quiet for a little while. Just to try it out. Maybe if my voice wasn't constantly buzzing like one of those white noise machines, the sound of it would peak more interest. And lure more people to come try the Kool-Aid!

Have a great weekend all -- I'm heading to DC!

HP