ticking, what ticking?

So, my man Baby D has been around with us for a whole year today! And, I was invited to his party. Which was pretty cool. Baby D got ALLLLL kinds of cool stuff and he even liked my present. Which really made my day because Baby D isn't even overly fond of ME! It's not his fault, he's a baby. Baby's sense my fear and shy away from me. They know that I think I make them cry with my weird laugh and strange ways and they cry to make sure that I know I'm right: my laugh is weird and I'm a LOT louder than their mommy. Which is frankly the least of my sins.

Nevertheless, Baby D was pretty much kept out of harm's way most of the time and the brief time I got to hold him, I deliberately let him face his adoring sea of grandparents and tried not to talk. This kept him reasonably satisfied until the blowing of the candle. I was holding him while all of the obligatory photos of him not understanding that he was supposed to BLOW OUT the candle were being snapped. I felt guilty since I was the least parental person in the group. In fact, I was the stand-alone winner in that category. I was the one knocking back 2 beers and recounting back-stabbing stories. How much further could I possibly deviate from an ideal, mother-figure role model could I possibly get, unless I was smoking a doobie at the time?!

But, I realized that if I cannot get the maternal urge while I am watching Baby D in all of his glory, adoring his Mama and Daddy and lavishing in all of the attention he was getting... If I don't even feel the :::pang::: when he's covered in cake and icing and eyeing his new toys with longing, then this may not be an urge I ever feel. Which really makes me feel like I was built without some essential material. How is it possible for me to be all proud of Womanhood and yet not be remotely interested in that which truly separates us from the weaker sex?? Seriously.

I don't feel like I'm lacking something because I don't have a child. I feel like I'm lacking something because I don't want to have a child. And does that mean I am going to wake up one day when it's "too late" and regret not having kids?? Or will I wake up one day before it IS too late and have the :::pang::: set in? How can I have kids if I still feel like a little kid? (See blog below.) If I'm not capable of keeping houseplants alive, how can I hope to be responsible for another human being? I'm almost too much for me to take care of!

Well, it's been a hard day of antiqueing and baby birthday boogaloo, so on those reflective notes -- later!

HP