It's only me

Yesterday, I discovered that the reason that my boss and I seem to have a "clicky" thing is because we are both only children. Made me think about all that is peculiar about being an only child. Made me want to call all of the parents of only children and verbally bitch slap them. It's the worst form of child abuse, frankly. Leaving someone hanging out in the wind like that.

As the only child, I was the only hope that my parents had for a legacy. I was their one shot to live again. I wasn't a super star in school and then I practically got married right out of high school. Not much to crow to their friends about, huh? They've handled their disappointment well enough, I suppose. Even now though, even when I'm 30 and should cease worrying about trying to please my parents -- I'm still a bit of a disappointment. I've let my mom down by not turning into another mini Marth Stewart like herself. (Not the embezzling thing, the decorating thing.) I can't get attached to my house because I really just don't like it, so I can't involved in decorating beyond the stuff she's pretty much done herself. My mother is disappointed in me because I don't own curtains and don't seem to have any real drive to get any.

I'm not sure why my dad's disappointed but I'm sure something will come up. Cat's in the cradle thing, partly -- now that I've moved out I'm "too busy" to keep in touch.

It's too much pressure. When they're gone, that's it for me. No more family unit. No brothers and sisters to fight over their crap with. No big dividing of the will. I am the will! Not something you want to think about.

When I was growing up, the fact that I was an only child was an enviable position. No one to share stuff with, no one's hand me downs, etc. All the attention, ALL the focus. Trust me, this screws you up as an adult. I grew up thinking I was the center of everything and that's not something that you just grow out of. Even after all of the crap that I've been through in my adult life, I STILL get a little pouty when it's not, in fact, all about me.

Notice, not a lot of sitcoms focusing on the only child issue. Because it's not funny when you don't have siblings playing off of each other. Hence, my constant need to talk to myself. "Outbursts" my manager refers to them because I do try to act like I'm directing these comments to an audience. Unfortunately, the audience is in my head!

How funny... Thinking about the "audience" sent me reeling back to high school and I just dug up one of my favorite quotes from Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead (which if you've never read, you really should. The quote was "you don't understand the humiliation of it -- to be tricked out of the single assumption which makes our existence viable -- that somebody is watching." That single phrase sums up so much about my life AND the very essence of being an only child. When you're the only one: someone IS watching.

The funnier thing is that Daddy (S) is an only child too -- but he has step-family, so he's not been completely subjected to the adult bummer part of being an only child: the eccentric aunt thing! (I guess in his case that would eccentric uncle.) Many of the people I am drawn to are only's, too. My godmother (an only child herself) said that we have to create our own extended families, which is what I do I guess.

Anyways, I'm feeling a little off-center today. And now that I've dug out my high school quote journal, well -- I'm pretty much distracted for the rest of the evening. I wonder what that says about me -- how I extrapolate SO much from the snippet thoughts of others, instead of creating my own thoughts that other people can be inspired by??

Interesting...

HP

Ps: FYI, it's kinda hard to feel deep and profound with Eminem in the background, I'll have to choose the music more carefully in the future!