Fear Factor

I have strange fears about commitment. Not things like "will you still love me... tomorrow..." or fidelity or things like that. Things that are truly inexplicable.

For example, sometimes when I am home I wear whatever I can find to be covered and warm (or cool, as the season dictates) and sometimes these things are just, well, odd. My mom used to say things like, "Is that your costume? And if so, what ARE you going as?" Right now, I have on my heart covered pj pants with a plaid flannel shirt. I look like I hit a sale at the thrift store. But, I'm not cold. And I left my favorite flannel pj's that actually fit at Scott's house.

But, will I be able to wear these things in front of my beloved without losing his love and affection? It's not even considered sexy in the frozen tundra to be dressed this way.

Also, I almost never eat regular food for dinner. I don't even really remember what regular people eat for regular dinners anymore. If I even eat dinner (which is also kind of rare, since I usually eat lunch so late), I eat strange things. Or strange things for them to be considered dinner food. Like, tonight I had cheese and crackers. I'm not stuffed to the brim or anything, but I didn't have to do dishes. I hate dishes. But, it's not even that -- I just don't ever feel like eating dinner. Am I going to have to eat dinner every night because he's going to expect that?

And what if I want to be alone? I mean, I never really WANT to be alone -- but that's because I'm alone a lot. It gets boring for me fast, but after we get married he's going to be there all the time. Don't get me wrong -- I love him and I LOVE spending time with him, but I have things to do and I get distracted by other people. Am I going to be able to accomplish those things? Is he going to be able to accomplish his things and still feel like entertaining me?

I need to be entertained. Constantly. I have a hard time accepting that sometimes being bored is just a part of life.

Also, will I become one of those women who never gets to talk to her friends on the phone anymore because I can't talk in front of him? What if I need to bitch? Am I going to have to go out for cigarettes just to bitch?

I know I'm crazy for thinking about these things, but I do.

What about mud masks? And tweezing. Have you ever had a really good tweezer session? Those can go on for a pretty long period of time.

What about my junk? Where's my junk gonna go? Right now, it's all over the damned house because it's my house. Who cares? Well, pretty soon -- someone's gonna care. Is a clean-up gene going to kick in sometime soon?? Because I'm 30 and it hasn't hit me yet.

That's all I have so far, but I'll post more as I think of them. Because neurosis is fun!