Baby got BACK

So, as is often a recurring theme in my life (so consequently, my blog) I've been obsessing about my weight a lot lately. Because I've been in a class, I've been eating a lot more than usual. And I'm just out of shape. And I make all of these justifications about it, "Well, at least I can still wear this size" or "As soon as (blank) happens, I'll get back on a work out routine."

Yeah, right.

But, I do have to wonder -- how fat is too fat? I mean, for me. There are plenty of scary fat people at work with those weird rolls that you're not quite sure what they are and I wonder -- is that happening to me? Am I going to wake up one morning and have to move stuff around to see my coochie??

I know, it's twisted but I DO think these things. It's not like they just woke up one morning and it was like that, there was a lot of preparation to get to that stage.

And the thing is that when I am fully clothed, especially in the winter, I'm pretty okay with how I look. Pretty good rack, nice waist definition, a booty that is in fashion for as long as JLo is, etc. I'm not unattractive in the face, so fully clothed I've still got it. But naked. Whew. It's not good.

It's so bad that I try not to look when I'm in the shower. Which isn't that difficult of a task to accomplish since I know where everything is and I'm usually at least half asleep anyways. While I'm getting ready I just try to maintain eye contact with myself. Like I was in the locker room or something with other people.

I've been thinking about liposuction lately. But, I don't have a lot of money. I'd have to do it on a layaway plan. One leg now and the other next year, maybe. Because, I really only want my legs done. I can live with having a belly and even hips and a big butt -- but the thighs just drive me crazy. If I want to do it, I have to do it before I get married. After that, my future groom says he just can't support the idea of me spending a crap ton of money getting fat sucked out. I don't know why -- it's not as if it's an entirely selfish thing on my part. I don't think anyone should have to be subjected to the sight of cellulite like this. It's not good.

I blame the cruise that we're going on. I know I'm going to be in my bathing suit a LOT and just thinking about all the jiggling and wiggling makes me a little queasy. What if my thighs throw the ship off balance and there's another Titanic like situation??

I mean, I want to be famous and everything -- but not like that.

Anyways. The only answer is exercise and that's just so tiring. I guess I'm going to have to learn to embrace the broader me if I'm not going to do anything about it. But let me tell you, trying to embrace this body is like "trying to throw your arms around the world."