Sometimes you gotta lose control

I realized something rather disturbing about myself whilst in the middle of an argument with my fiance this morning... Yes, you read that right: an argument. It's not as if we were transported to some lovely shiny bubble of a world where everyone is happy and dopey and in love all the time. I admit, that I did kind of think that it would work that way but apparently it doesn't.

So, here's the nature of the argument for all to view. Basically, he has offered to help me out with a couple of different things concerning a party I am throwing towards the end of this month. Very thoughtfully, in fact because there's several things to do and I can't really figure out when I'm going to have the time or the resources to get them done. The problem is that I am an anal retentive, perfectionist control freak. (And those are my words, not his before y'all get hyped up on my behalf...)

But then again, who's going to get hyped up because most of you probably realized this about me a LONG time ago and are surprised to learn that I didn't realize it about myself until this morning.

I'm still reeling from the shock. I keep trying to figure out ways to justify this thing about myself and I'm not really coming up with anything. It's more than a little disturbing because basically this is the icing on the "I'm turning into my mother" cake.

Here's what happens, he offers to do something, I accept his help and then I will proceed to give him specific instructions on how I want the thing done. On the one hand, he's doing the thing FOR me, so shouldn't it be how I want it done? Yeah, probably. But, on the other hand -- he's doing the thing so that I don't have to do it or worry about it. Which means I have to relinquish control of the thing. That's a problem. I can't just let things go.

I do NOT like this about myself even a little bit. I never realized I was a control freak. Well, I mean I sort of knew, but I didn't really. Not to the obnoxious level that I'm starting to really see in myself now. And the thing is -- how do you let that go? He doesn't understand because he's laid back about so much that this quality is often very complementary to my own need to be in charge. It's only when my need to be in charge becomes dominating and pushy that he starts to fight back. And usually by then it's too late because I have my heels dug in over the particular issue at hand.

And so, right now I'm doing this mental battle of not wanting to be an anal retentive perfectionist control freak versus not wanting to have things that are contrary to my ultimate vision.

This is actually one of THE primary reasons that as much as I really want to have a wedding, I really DO NOT want to have a wedding. I know that I would turn into Bridezilla and I'd wind up walking down the aisle to... NO ONE! I don't want that. I'd rather just offend the fuck out of everyone by eloping and telling them about it later. It's JUST too much trouble. I don't want to plan on the catering and the music and the flowers and what everyone's going to wear and where it's going to be and so on and on. I know I'll get crazy about it, he'll get crazier because I'm crazy and the whole meaning is going to be completely lost. And what's the point? He'll be left to wonder why he wanted to marry me in the first place and I'll be wondering when can I just relax?

I can't control everything. I don't want to control everything. I want to let go. So, I'm making my resolutions early. I'm going to work on letting things go and realizing that if we are going to be a team then part of that means actually accepting help from him when it's offered and trusting that even if it doesn't turn out the way I think it should turn out, that doesn't mean that it's not going to be good. Or even better than I had planned.

letting it go,
HP