I'm tired.

And I don't want to blog, but there's the obligation. I'm going to have to get out of the obligation thinking, I suppose. Because when I have THAT feeling, then I shoot out useless drivel like this.

Went out with my work crew tonight and that was fun. But, there's a new guy and since he's new he gets to be the center of attention. Which is cool enough because he's funny and interesting but I'm so vain (I probably thought that song was about me) and I get kind of drained when I'm not the center of attention... Which is SO lame.

Which brings me to a long-lost ne'ever blogged bit... The night before Thanksgiving I scratched out a bunch of bloggery stuff, reflecting on my strong need for people. My chicken scratch was this, "Sometimes it seems like the reason I pull so hard towards other people is really for completely selfish reasons -- it's to try to see me as they really see me. And I get so wrapped up in how the other person sees me and what I can do to make that perception closer to what I want it to be -- what I think it already is -- that I forgot that I'm just supposed to be me because it's not as if I can control how the people react... But I'm stretched towards them like a rubber band poised to be slung at your pestery neighbor in the fifth grade until I catch a glimpse that's the non-sparkly side of me. See something that is a completely distorted view of how I want me to be and yet that distortion is the truth, the reality.
And I :::snap::: back into me and I become confused about being in me because I've been stretched away for so long that I don't even feel like I fit in... IN ME! I bounce around like the soda bubbles from a newly poured soda pop -- dizzy from this new knowledge of me. Of this bad part of me. And all the buildup from being stretched out and extending towards the pretty shiny me suddenly dissipates and I'm in a puddle of plain old REAL me... It takes a while to take to plain old real me, because it's somehow jus tnot the same as that me with the sprinkles and cherries on top."

Anyways, all of the psychoanalytic bullshit summed up is that I really don't like that ever-present need to be the center of attention but it wasn't really something that I realized until recently. And it hit me as being fairly ugly. Tony (there's your name in bold letters even) says that at least I'm mildly amusing most of the time with my overwhelming personality (or something) but that's little comfort sometimes. On the one hand, I don't want to be that girl that's so loud and dominating and spotlight hoggy, but on the other hand -- I AM that girl. Who am I to denounce her?? If I took that away, would there be any me left? And would that me be fun?

I'm not going to find that answer tonight. But I'll sleep on it and we'll see.

kisses,
HP