My Makeover Story

Yesterday, I went to the Clinique counter to buy a small something so I could qualify for the free gift.

I thought I could get away with buying "a small something" because I forgot.

I forgot that I am intimidated by the makeup counter girls. They always seem so pulled together and even though I know they make crap wages, I still envy them because they're prettier. And I even know, deep down, that they're NOT actually prettier -- they just know how to apply makeup very skillfully and that just makes me envy them more. They hold the secrets that I need to recreate myself and I want it.

But inevitably I buy the things they suggest because I so strongly believe that they want me to look good too -- and not that they have a quota on Lipstick #5 -- Dirrty Girl Pink. Typically, it's because they casually mention something horribly wrong with my face that I thought I'd been successfully managing to cover up.

It happened again. It was my intent to just buy foundation. This was already a leap for me because I was scared off by my last color test with the Clinique girls. But, I want to make the transition to "grown up makeup" and the only way to do this is through Clinique. It's grown up makeup for people who aren't quite making grown up dollars yet. I worm my way to the counter through several frantic patrons, also coveting the free gift. (I later learned that "free gift" time is a retail hot period -- like holiday weekends or hurricanes for insurance claims adjustors or month end for bill collectors or summer for realtors -- and the girl that served me was in a hurry that morning and was stuck at a friends house and was wearing Lancome! Quelle horreur!) My salesperson, Melissa, half listens to what my requirements for foundation are as she grabs what must be the quota foundation this month and convinces me it's the best one. Suddenly, as she leans over to fix my face she says, "Have you ever tried exfoliating?"

These are fatal words from someone at the beauty counter. Any time they ask if you have tried something, it's usually because it's already fairly obvious to them that you haven't and they're in such shock that you wouldn't be using said product that they really want to hear your story for NOT using it. They figure you must have had a really bad experience with it in the past to not be using it now NOW when you so desperately need it. They are already mentally flipping through their mental alphabetized overcoming objections to whatever your excuse is.

Of course, they will be right. You will have a reason. They overcome it by telling you how much your life is going to change by using this product. You will have radiant skin that will never burn, only tan. It will glow like the light reflected from the perfect alabaster cut from a fresh mussel. Your radiant skin will eventually attract the man of your dreams, who will of course be handsome, single and filthy rich. You will marry him and have 3 beautiful children who will adore you and will have caused you no more pain in childbirth than a bad case of hiccups and no stretch marks. And then you will achieve enlightenment and ascend into heaven. Because you were smart enough today to buy our 7 Day Exfoliant Treatment.

I was smart enough. I wanted skin that was free from flakes and the enlightenment thing could be okay too.

And because the whole time she was selling me on the wonders of exfoliating, she was zhuzhing foundation on me -- I barely noticed when she transformed my pink blotchy face into a matte wonderland. I thought that if this foundation (Nearly Caught Me Nude) could make me look this much better this much faster (normally even made up I want to cry from the view I get in the cosmetics mirrors) just imagine how it would be when I got him home and coupled it with my Kissing Me Softly with this Mauve lipstick. But not until I exfoliated the tar outta my face!

Anyways, it was like Christmas. We wound up going to see Kill Bill almost as soon as I got home, so I couldn't exfoliate -- but it was almost all I thought about until I started to get ready for bed that night. (Although trust me when I say that I was not distracted by any thoughts in Kill Bill other than trying to make sure I was keeping track with what was going on!) So, I finally get to exfoliate...

Kids, it was amazing. I think I lost 5 pounds off my face. It was like the first time I ever got a pedicure -- I was an inch shorter after. My skin felt so baby smooth, I thought it was going to start crying and wanting to be breast fed...

The fact is it's not just makeup -- it's a dream. It's not just skincare -- it's a miracle. Those girls are out there selling a dream and I'm ready to buy in! I'm ready to buy the hype -- I'm worthy of the hype!

Of course, only when there's a gift with purchase involved though! ;-)

-HP