The Go-Go's would be so disappointed

I just don't know how to relax. I'm on vacation, I'm supposed to be doing nothing and sleeping in. Can't hang. The idleness bothers me. I think it's because when it was announced that I was taking a week off and not going ANYWHERE, I got an enormous amount of crap from mywork peers. Why take the whole week off? Aren't you going to do anything?

Here's the thing that's interesting... In April, we are -- of course -- going on the now overly reported cruise. Where I will be sitting on a boat, lounging in the sun, drunk sun up to sun down but essentially... doing nothing. Why is it okay to not be doing anything on a boat in the middle of nowhere but not acceptable in your own home?? Seriously. Besides, I'm not at my house -- I'm at Scott's. (That's right -- Rose used his name in the never-used comments so fuck it -- no more anonymity for you, buddy!) So, I'm sort of on vacation. I brought a suitcase, even.

Truth be told, it's only Wednesday and I think he's going to be packing my stuff for me by Friday at the latest. It's odd to think that he lived with roommates and girlfriends far more than I have lived with other people, and yet he's so much less tolerant of the constant interruptions of other people. Not to say that he's nasty about it, by any stretch. But there are definite periods of time where I can tell that he's pretty much mentally calculating when he gets to have his house back.

I can understand this. Ironically, it's our state of separation that keeps us together. (In my opinion -- but he's not likely to be contradicting any time soon.) We get along well together most of the time because we spend most of the time apart. Hence, while I can't help but wonder what the future holds and have fancy visions of us dressed like cake toppers in my head -- I can't really picture this unless we were permanently living in a duplex with each of us occupying a half. I need time to be able to talk on the phone for hours about nothing and to sit in front of the computer and write this meaningless bs and do my homework and write in my journal (HA! Like that ever happens anymore) and read books and did I mention talk on the phone. I like to do that with minimal distraction. When we're in the same place and I'm doing those things, I can't feel natural about them. They feel forced or rushed. I can't really completely immerse myself in those things because I can't help but think, "Shouldn't I be putting all of this energy into HIM?"

But the thing is that in the meantime he's putting energy into doing his own version of all those things and it never occurs to me to wonder if he shouldn't be devoting that energy into ME? Until now, damnit! Just kidding. Maybe it's because I come into his world far more often than he comes into mine. I don't expect to be doing "my world" stuff while I'm in his world usually but do still expect him to do HIS stuff, because it is his world after all.

Back to the future (hee hee) -- I think that what makes it easier to comprehend in my mind is the idea that when this future thing goes down (yo) we'll be residing in a different home. Not his world or my world but OUR world. So it won't be odd that I'll be doing my stuff or he'll be doing his stuff because it's shared space.

As long as an appropriate amount of energy continues to be devoted to just ME, then that is okay. ;-)

HP