Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Get to know me -- again!
I love this stuff!
1. First name: Heather
2. Were you named after anyone? no, Mom heard the name in a grocery store and loved it
3. Do you wish on stars? sometimes
4. Which finger is your favorite? left hand, ring finger -- corny
5. When did you last cry? week ago Sunday
6. Do you like your handwriting? not anymore -- darn these computers
7. What is your favorite lunch meat? hard salami -- I just realized how phallic that sounds...
8. Any bad habits? The question is: any good habits?
9. What is your most embarrasssing CD on the shelf? I have a Barry Manilow. Yeah, I said it. Singing with the Big Bands
10. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? probably not -- I'm a little intense for me
11. Are you a daredevil? no, not really
12. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? yes, I probably have -- but I have kept lots of really good ones
13. Do looks matter? yes
14. How do you release anger? By picking on Tony Kahlua
15. Where is your second home? wherever Scott is
16. Do you trust others easily? Depends on who they are. Sometimes I will pick up a vibe on people and trust them with all kinds of stuff and then OOPS that was a mistake!
17. What was your favorite toy as a child? my doll Sally
18. What class in school do you think is totally useless? Well, I don't see why science is a requirement but I'm such a nerd that I never think any knowledge is useless
19. Do you have a journal? yes, but I don't write it in as much thanks to the blog
20. Do you use sarcasm alot? Do you breathe a lot?
21. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? a very very very long time ago
22. What do you look for in a guy/girl? I like to laugh more than anything -- I'm willing to overlook most things if you just make me laugh
23. What are your nicknames? in my adult life, the ONLY nickname I ever had that stuck was "Red"
24. Would you bungee jump? yes
25. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I barely own shoes that tie but mostly, no
26. Do you think that you are strong? no
27. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Breyers Coffee holds alltime longest but MooseTracks is a big favorite
28. Shoe size? 8 1/2 W
29. What are your favorite colors? RED, purple
30. What is your least favorite thing? anything I HAVE to do
31. How many wisdom teeth do you have? none
32. How many people have a crush on you right now? gonna go with none
33. What do you miss the most right now? this is such a strange question. RIGHT now the thing I miss the most is a pendant I have lost. I have friends that I'm not as close to as I used to be or people who left my life -- I miss them a lot
34. Favorite food? Sushi
35. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings
36. Relationships or one night stands? I think the one night stands might be a problem with my marriage
37. Favorite board game? I don't have a favorite board game but I love Boggle and Cribbage
Feel free to cut and paste and send back -- I would like to get to know you too.
What me worry??
Sometimes I have been accused of being a worrier or worrying too much. I’m not convinced this is the case, but who ever gets through the day without at least one healthy rationalization (as the saying goes)? When things come up, I tend to think about all the alternatives. Maybe I’m a pessimist because I do think about the problems that can come up. But, then inevitably what happens when I try to relax and let things go and NOT “worry” about them is that other contingencies and issues come up and I feel bad for not having prepared for that.
So, I try to see potential curveballs in advance so I can avoid them. I realize this is a neurotic character flaw, but what can I do? I guess I just don’t really want to fly by the seat of my pants because frankly, that hasn’t served me very well so far. I try not to overanalyze EVERYTHING, but it’s a hard habit to break.
What’s the answer? When a change in plans arises, how do I turn off the switch that makes me worry about all of the little supporting details from the change? This switch got thrown on high power during wedding planning, because it seemed that every minor change seemed to necessitate 15 other changes that just made things more complicated for me than they already were.
Here’s an example. Scott and I have been talking about putting a calendar on the refrigerator so that when I’m scheduling our lives away, he has a visual reference. We found one of those dry-erase calendars during our midnight trip to Wally World on Saturday. I wasn’t going to get it, preferring a regular calendar. But, he started talking me into it. Then he started trying to convince me to get *2* calendars so I could have 60 days planned in advance. He was having a grand time mocking me for scheduling. At one point put 5 of these things in the cart so I could be well-planned out. But I had to agonize over all the contingencies. 30 days isn’t a lot, I’m usually planned about 45 days out. What about doctor’s appointments well in the future? What about the magnets on the fridge? Where do they go? All these things now have to be ironed out. It’s cause for pause, as I dorkily will say. I’m scratching my head over all of the things to be considered, while he is laughing hysterically at my quandary. (Frankly, I was laughing as much as he was, if not more.) But seriously, I was prepared to walk away from the thing – why did its purchase suddenly cause added dilemma?
It’s a mystery.
And I’m sending this from work and I keep getting distracted by, well, work. So, gotta go!
Sunday, August 29, 2004
There's no denying it any longer. Sundays are officially over. There will be no more getting up late and eating breakfast when most people are thinking about lunch and passing pieces of the paper back and forth for hours into the afternoon... Until we realize that the day has totally passed by and it's time to start thinking about... dinner?! How did it get to be time to think about dinner? I think it's time to play Cribbage for a little while, maybe I would say. He would say, perhaps. But there won't be any Cribbage anymore. Not for a while, anyways. No more Dinners (note the capital D) because those are generally reserved for the boys at Rocky's. Yeah, I'm a little envious of that. Because it means no more hanging out together in smug coupledom, watching whatever HBO original series is showing that Sunday with the gentle teasing back and forth as we compare one another to the characters on the shows.
That's how I think of Sundays, even though it's not every Sunday that it's like this. But because there have been enough of them, I really resent when I lose my Sundays and have to give them over. Surrender them to the League and to Fox and CBS and the Almighty ESPN and yes, to the boys! It's a neurotic thing and I've gotten better to adapting to the shift in our relationship every Season. After last Season, I had acclimated to not having Smug Couple Sunday so much so that when it was time for its return I had to get used to having Scott around all the time again. Get used to not spending the day running around, seeing people, shopping, having lunches, whatever. Had to get used to not having as much Me time and having that amount of We time put bank into the account. It was very odd.
And it's odd when it returns. Because despite all the pre-season denial I was in, there's no denying it any longer. Football Season has officially begun. The Fantasy Football League had its draft tonight and I think the only other time I've seen him this excited was.. Well, it was. Hmm, maybe before the draft last year, now that I think of it! (If only I could tap that excitement and use some of it for good instead of eeeevvill. Ha!) I'm kidding, I'm sure I've seen him this excited over something else before -- I just can't think of when it was. He was so excited over the draft, that I actually caught the fever and was a little excited myself. (Though Lord knows, it's not like I would admit that out loud.) Which really makes me angry. I don't want to get excited over anything to do with football because frankly, I'm more than a little reticent about becoming one of those women who gets into football because "their man" is. Then they say that they REALLY like it and watch it all the time. Maybe they really do, but there's just something I don't really trust about women who are into football. I kind of see it as a betrayal. (I wonder if the reader who went off on my kid thing will go off on me for not liking football... Probably, if she was still reading!) Here is this thing that men will devote hours, weeks, eons more mental energy into than they ever will into figuring out women and what makes us tick -- I have a little bitterness about it. So, if I were to get sucked into it, just to get my Sundays back, then I would be betraying the cause of all womankind -- wouldn't I?
I also have bitterness towards every woman I know who somehow fortunately found themselves falling in love with a man who happens to not be that interested in football. (And there are men who are interested in football, but compared to Scott they are frankly not that interested.) But on the other hand, I can't help on some really twisted level but think that there is something wrong with men who aren't that interested in football. I guess because I have almost never had a man in my life who wasn't somehow obsessed with football, it's a completely foreign concept to me. So foreign that I have this weird relationship with football -- I completely despise having it as any part of my life and yet I can't imagine not having it in my life because it always has been.
Another epiphany -- Touchdown!
ps: I have no real idea what 4th down and 10 means, but I associate that with football and when I think of the game I can hear that same phrase in my head every time. I just tried to get Scott to explain it. It makes a bit more sense now. Damn, that means I'm starting to understand the game and that's how they get you!!
Saturday, August 28, 2004
My addiction is to my computer. I can't seem to stop being on it. When I'm around it and haven't played on it for a while, I go into withdrawal. I need to be able to surf around and read my email and play Weboggle and Spider Solitaire and read my daily blogs. Occasionally do some real stuff, like research for my English paper.
I realized the extremity of this last night when my mouse died. For no apparent reason. I was trying to help, it needed batteries. I gave it the batteries I thought it craved and it just died. Never to be resuscitated again. Scott says I’m better off since my mouse “sucked.” Maybe it did suck, but it was my mouse and it worked and now it doesn't, which really inhibited my ability to easily, comfortably around the internet. I was jonesing -- and how!
Frankly, I think my addiction is ridiculous. First of all, I check my email religiously. And I NEVER have any. Or it's spam. (Thanks be to Google as my Gmail account hasn't be annihilated yet.) Why do I keep checking? What do I think is going to happen?? My lost friends will decide they want to be friends again? Julia will finally write from Italy? I'll actually GET money from Bill Gates and Microsoft?? Not sure. But I keep checking. And nothing keeps happening.
Then I have to check out my regular blogs. I still check Dave's blog out all the time, even though he's completely stopped posting. I've been reading Cattiva's blog regularly -- which is prolific and actually interesting. It's over there on the side as "does this mean I'm grown up?" But I wouldn't have even known she was out there if she hadn't dropped a line. I'm pretty addicted to a few blogs actually, but I have to cut it down because that's how I got out of my own blogging habit and I really missed it.
Those are the two main things. The rest is random and not easily categorized. I will sometimes check out my 401k stuff to see how it's doing. Sometimes I'm shopping for kittens. Or tvs. Or checking out info for Katrina's up-coming bachelorette weekend. Sometimes I'm just searching for something shiny. Sometimes I find a new game (like that damned Weboggle) and will play it for HOURS. Sometimes I'm offline feeding my other crack-like habit, Spider Solitaire. Just silly things.
Basically, I'm addicted to keep from having a "real life", but I don't know anyone with a real life to compare to so I'm not sure what it means. This is a topic for another, more philosophical blog... But certainly enough to keep me from putting boxes away, doing laundry or dishes or going to get the copies of the wedding pictures I need to get. What is the answer? Is there a cure for this addiction? Do I WANT to be cured??
I'm thinking not. I'm thinking what I really need is some more peach margarita and another round of Weboggle for the road...
"The fundamental question is, are children capable of understanding the consequences of their actions? Maybe not; recent studies suggest that the brain’s prefrontal lobe, which some scientists speculate plays a crucial role in inhibiting inappropriate behavior, may not reach full development until age 20."
And yet we recruit boys and girls at the age of 18 to join the military and send them to Iraq to die...
The good part is that our ability to determine the consequences of our actions is developed riiiight before we're legally able to drink and impair it again!
This also explains my first marriage...
I should research things more often... No one ever told me there were things I could actually LEARN on the internet! I thought it was just blogging, emails, porn and games.
Oh, the places I'll go...
If only I could learn to stuff using so many ellipses... :-)
Friday, August 27, 2004
Okay, I'm stuck with the snoring but I was thinking about that a lot this morning... I think it's probably obvious why. I feel sorry for the snorers, as much as I feel completely isolated from them by their noise. I'm sure I'm probably one of them (this is when Katrina will likely pipe in) but see, that's the deal with being a snorer -- it's not like you know you're doing it. You can't help that you are doing it, it just doesn't feel that way to the person sharing the bed with you who hasn't been to sleep for a full night in weeks and who firmly believes that you are deliberately making all that noise just to deprive them of sleep. Thankfully, since we are now at my house the snoring doesn't bother me as much because I'm at a much greater comfort level.
But, there is ONE time that it does continue to plague me and that's in the morning. Before we go to bed at night, Scott often likes to watch tv. I'm a princess and the noise makes me crazy when I'm trying to fall asleep but I try to stand it as long as I can. For his sake. Sometimes he's half asleep when it's on and will actually get irritated when I try to turn it off. I could believe you were paying attention if you weren't snoring, dear. The other reason I try to accomodate this is because I like the radio on in the morning while I'm getting ready for work and he's still sleeping. And this is when the snoring has become an issue, because sometimes I have to turn the radio up fairly loud (for a morning volume) in order to hear it over his snoring and he'll half wake up and give me a "can I get some earplugs?" or "turn that down" growl. That's when I'm like -- are you freaking kidding me?? It's only this loud to hear it over YOU!
However, he doesn't KNOW that. It's hard for me to realize that he has no idea how he sounds when he's snoring since everyone in his condo complex must have known. I tried to tape it for him once and play it back.
His response -- "I just sound so happy."
Thursday, August 26, 2004
A little background... At the company where I work (name not listed for purposes of keeping my job and stuff) we have "profiles." Our pictures, job titles and who we work for are posted. You have the option to post a little "biography" about yourself, which most people don't. If they do, it's usually "started with The Company in 1998, have this degree and work on this committee."
But then there was THIS guy who took it a step further... So, for your amusement and perusement -- with names and other possibly identifying information I give you...
I would like to take a minute to introduce myself. The name is Name. Bob Name, and I am an actuarial analyst.
I have been at The Company for three years now. My job is to set the prices we charge for various insurances. To the uninitiated this may sound very plebeian, but I assure you there is much more to it. The drama, the interactions, the relationships, cohorts, and models that I deal with on a daily basis - astounding and titillating. Almost like a secret world which people at large simply do not know or understand. They cannot understand. No one takes the time and pays the price to understand. So it is up to us. The few who do. Perhaps someday you will join us. Become one of us. Let me tell you of my journey.
My initiation, er, entry into the actuarial science began in Okinawa, Japan. My father was a career Marine and stationed there at the time when my mother picked up the 1992 Job Almanac. She sensed the maximum likelihood for success lay in actuarial science, for a math minded High School aged son like myself. For the moment that method I discarded in favor of following the glorious footsteps of my grandfather and becoming an Engineer, but the actuarial seed had been planted and in time bore its alluring fruit.
I graduated from University in the millennium year with a BS is Statistics, and yes, an actuarial emphasis. I immediately recognized the best employer around and hired on at The Company in the P&C company's actuary department.
I was young, though, and had no credible idea of the power of the Science, or the barriers to overcome to be a true practitioner- A Fellow. Especially the Examination rites. I became acquainted though. Soon the sweat, fright, and dread concomitant with a study of the arts accosted me. Despite the obstructions, with unstable zeal I pressed on, studying delving; searching the arcane arithmetic, training in the actuarial mysteries, and grasping at the minutia of indemnity. My first attempts at the Examinations, ah - so fledging, wholly rejected. But a reticent Company colleague guided me. Finally I succeeded. One test, and then another. My life half indentured, but in return, one test at a time, I am closer to joining the Fellowship.
Years of submitting to Examinations has toughened me now, though the Society still exacts its 'respects' from me. The Company has been a kind patron through the process. In return I have used my newfound skills to benefit the business: analyzing loss experience, forecasting trends, and managing rate adequacy with increasing deftness.
The challenge of shouldering work and Society 'commitments' has not been for the feeble hearted. Such resolution, while advancing my actuarial acumen has concomitantly inured to the benefit of my work. From my start as an apprentice, pricing basic auto states, to receiving responsibility for Florida, to becoming subject matter expert for territory boundary changes, to taking on management of the entire Fire and Allied Lines of business. Soon I will subjugate the last Examination and finally be admitted to the Society of Casualty Actuaries.
And that is where I am today."
Thanks Name, Bob Name for allowing me to take a night off from posting!
I'll post a note in while, off to weboggle. Otherwise known as word crack. :-)
Monday, August 23, 2004
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Got an email from a dear old friend this morning. A regular email, not a forward. Just a hi, how you doing, here's what's going on with me kind of thing. It had been so long since I had gotten that kind of email from anyone that I nearly broke down crying. It's also been as long since I have SENT that kind of email to anyone. My emails seem to consist of sending forwards mostly. If you think about it, we live in an age where it is easier than it ever was before to keep in touch with our friends and we let them drift away time and time again.
With some friends, it's okay. Not okay like it's good that they are drifted but okay in that the foundation is so firm that it would take much much more than lack of contact to break it up. This was the case with my dear old friend -- he and I probably only talk a few times a year, if that. But when we get together, it's like there never was a gap, there never was lapse. We have a comfort level that I have only ever reached with a few people in my life.
There have been so many people in and out of my life, and I guess I just feel like lately there's a lot more going out than coming back in. Most of my friends do not live here, they live hither and non. It's hard to feel connected when you don't have that day to day contact. And I do have friends here and I value them too, but there's something about that older, easy connection that is just impossible to replicate that you search for time and time again. People who have really been down in the trenches with you during your lows, and me with their lows, who really understand what it is that makes you you. People that you just don't have to even exchange complete sentences with who know what you mean and how you mean it and would never even have it occur to them to be offended on any way shape or form.
I had a friend once that walked out of my life. Voluntarily. I still deal with that regularly. Because I also had a friend once of whose life I walked out. Voluntarily. It was the hardest thing I ever did. And my friend who walked out -- she made it seem like it was such an easy choice to make. I still hear about her from time to time and it still kicks me in the gut. Every time. I wonder if my friend that I walked out on, does she feel like that? Does she cringe if she hears my name or happens to have a reason to think about me?? Am I the only one who suffers the guilt of lost friends?? I mean, they lost me too -- right?
And I in my arrogance consider that to be such a huge deficit! :-) They're probably thinking, phew -- sure is quiet now! Sure don't miss all that bruskness. That Heather, she needed to get right with Jesus anyways.
Or whatever it is that people think about me.
Anyways. Friends, Roman, Countrymen -- I love you. I think of you often, I know I'm awful about writing and calling and keeping in touch, but know that when you need an ear to listen, I am that ear. When you need a shoulder to cry on, I am that shoulder. When you need to share your laughter with someone, I will be there. In short, when you need a friend, I am that friend.
Friday, August 20, 2004
Well, I guess I did it. Went to the post office today and mailed that evil cow back her purse. It cost me $4.04.
There’s been much debate about this because Scott strongly felt that I shouldn’t do anything to “accommodate” her. I guess it just goes back to our different philosophies. I didn’t look at it as doing something for her, I looked at it as doing something for me. It was the right thing for me to do.
Trust me, I was strongly pulled by all the WRONG things to do. I was given many pointers by my lunch buddies, of whom I’m now afraid of pissing off. Things like filling it with poop and sending it back, etc. But then it got more extreme. Like putting sardines or lunchmeat in it and letting it sit outside and then sending it back. Scary. It wasn’t things I wanted to do that I was afraid of, it was things I wanted to say.
Things like how could you cut your only child out of your life rather than try to see that you are part of the problem?? Things like how can you have said those things about me, about us? I’m not saying I was above blame, but I really did try hard to keep the lines of communication going between them and I feel like I just somehow went horribly awry. Like it’s somehow my fault that it degenerated to this. To having a dead mother in law. It makes me very very sad.
Just makes me think about the kid thing again. There are just so many potential for things to go wrong. It’s scary. Maybe Jen’s right. Maybe it’s not that I don’t want them, I’m just overcome by fear. But, I think if you look at my family history, my husband’s family history and many of the family’s I’ve been exposed to – it starts to shed some light on all of that. But we digress.
Note -- this blog was originally typed from work but blogger wouldn't let me send. A different spin but another theory.
So, this chapter with the evil cow has drawn to a close. We’ll see what the future holds. I’m quite certain she’s still out there wearing those ruby slipper waiting for the house to drop on her...
I was going to add this to the comments, but then figured might as well just post.
"You obviously miss the total point of children." I don't even understand this. How can anyone who is alive miss the point of children? I was a child once, we all were. I think this writer must be missing my point. I'm not talking about "the point of children" -- that's ridiculous. That doesn't even make sense.
Next. "Not everyone who has children actually PLANS to have children. Not everyone who PLANS to have children gets a child. Children are gifts of God. Their survival is a gift of God." I'm thinking this comes from something personal that has happened to this writer or someone the writer knows. However, with all due sensitivity I think things have been blown out of proportion just a tad. Perhaps the writer doesn't understand that I am not, in fact, an idiot. I am aware that not everyone who has kids plans them and that there are people who plan to have kids who don't. I don't live in a cave. I live on Earth, the planet. Let me now clarify that I am not trying to undermine the struggles of parents who have unplanned children nor am I trying to undermine the struggles of people who want to have children and can't. Let's try to take this down to a less serious level. It's inside MY head -- I'm talking about me. I'm talking about pressures I feel from parents (planned or otherwise) and people who WANT to be parents (able to or not) to procreate myself. Who said anything about God??
And now "Your life changes because YOU choose to change." I know this is in regard to having children, but anyone who can say this to ME has clearly never met me and has no idea the changes I've been through. This comment is officially marked from the record. I mean, this is one of my mantras. Duh.
Then there was: "If you do not feel the need to have a child...save us all a lot of trouble and DONT. No one is trying to change your mind." Um, wasn't this whole point of my post? That people are in fact trying to change my mind and that I'm trying to save you all a lot of trouble?? I fail to see how my having kids is going to trouble THIS writer, however. Will s/he be coming over to babysit when I can't be bothered to take care of the little ones? Are they first in line of list of beneficiaries in my as-yet-unwritten will?? This is very odd. I fail to see how anyone BUT me will be troubled but I guess I'm just naive. But again, the point is that I'm trying to spare you. You the beleaguered public. But, yes ma'am/sir -- people are trying to change my mind. Thank God you stepped in and showed me the error of their ways!!
And lastly, "By the way....My child loves sushi." Um, kay. Still probably won't be inviting your child out for sushi. I have a feeling you're okay with that.
So, that's all... Enjoy your evening.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Here's the thing. I'm 31. Rolling steadily towards 32. The urge to have kids hasn't hit me yet. I'm not saying that it NEVER hits me, it does. There are times when I'm around cute kids and I think about how my life could be changed by having kids. But, inevitably my inherent selfishness kicks in and the feeling passes.
It's similar to the urge I get to exercise.
Most of the rest of the women in my life are mom or moms-in-waiting. Many of them frequently get baby urges. This is not something I can relate to even a little bit so it makes me feel very very isolated. I wish I had these urges so I could relate. I don't.
I've been told that I have said that I don't like children. That seems harsh, even for me. I don't deny that I may have said it, but fuck it -- I say lots of things. I'm not going to be inviting any kids to go have sushi any time soon, but I do think they are adorable and marvelous and all that sunshine out of your ass stuff. (Hmmm, who's PMS'ing?) I just can't see myself having them around. All the time. I mean, I barely have enough time to take somewhat decent care of myself -- how could I fit someone else into that equation??
I have an ENORMOUS amount of respect for mothers -- for parents in general, but mothers more. There's so much sacrifice that's involved -- it's such a huge commitment in the first place. (Assuming, of course, that one has actually DECIDED to have kids.) You give up your body for at least 9 months and you give up your heart forever. It's huge. I'm too... something to make this leap.
Moms will try to bring me over all the time. I can't understand this. You know what I'm talking about -- because if you're a mom, you've probably done it to someone. Oh, it's different when it's your kid. You love them so much you don't realize the sacrifices. It changes your life forever. Etc etc.
Why on Earth would you want to talk someone into doing something that they're not really that interested in in the first place? This makes NO sense to me. Hey, how 'bout if you just have an extra kid and say it's to replace the one I didn't have? It'll even out. Because if I said that I think that I'm too lazy to have a pet, then you certainly wouldn't be taking me to the SPCA -- but you think this doesn't carry over to actual little humans? Is there more respect for animal life than human life?
Well, not if you ask PETA. But I digress.
I think people just want to see what it would be like to see me with a baby. All the time. I'll tell you how to see that -- bring a gorilla a kitten. It'll be like that.
And yet, despite this enormous rant I say that it's not like I'm saying never never ever. I'm just not any time soon, can't picture it, can't imagine it, don't desire it, don't crave it, how bout let's let it go??
In our next blog we'll be mocking an anonymous person from my work. Bring your dictionaries, there will be many big words...
I’m trying to get accustomed to being able to blog from work, but it’s hard. I’m used to goofing off but at this level – it’s extreme. Well, I don’t know. The time I shopped for linens for an hour might be up there too. It was MOSTLY between phone calls. So, I thought I’d try to send off a vignette from time to time to try to get in the habit.
Unfortunately, I’m vignetteless at the moment…
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Had dental work done today -- always my favorite thing in life -- and because my mouth is still so numb, I can't eat. So, I've decided to drink my dinner instead. What fun! I should have started this years ago, now it's going to take me TONS longer to become an alcoholic! It's really not very easy drinking either, but I am muddling through because I am a survivor!!
Because I was home earlier than usual, I was subjected to a kid trying to sell stuff door to door. This is one of my greatest weaknesses. You come to my door with your goodies and I am hard-pressed to say no. Good thing I don't live in a crack neighborhood.
Oh, wait I do!
Anyways, I almost bought Scott a "Just Say No to Drugs" mug but the irony was too rich. I even managed to resist the peanut brittle and those candy coated peanuts. It's a wonder how having a numb mouth can make you resist your "crunch" cravings.
Perhaps I could start keeping novacaine around the house to help me resist my munchies. Wouldn't that be fabulous??
I was going to blog abou....
We interrupt this blog to bring you a late breaking FAR MORE INTERESTING BLOG!!!
Whoa. Wow. Just got email from my "mother in law" -- which is odd since she's dead. Let's post it, shall we??
I really do need my black evening bag back as soon as possible. I had no idea you still had it until I needed it. We have all the Shrine conventions here and Myrtle Beach coming up in the next few wks. It has been 5 days since Carol called and asked for it back. I really try not to bother you, but I would have thought when you ran across it you would have made sure it was returned immediately after so long. You can mail it to me if personally returning it is to difficult or Scott can just stick in the office door on the copier and not have to see anyone. Thank you for your expedience in this matter. I will be looking for its return very shortly.
Didn't even get to share THIS little gem. She loaned me her bag while we were on the cruise and one thing led to another and it never got returned. Now she's using collections tactics to get it back.
What on EARTH do we think we should do about this? Scott wants to take a dump in it and then return it. I think we should put her email address on a bunch of sex websites. (Hmm, just thought of that one.) I think I should let her sweat.
Anyone got any thoughts on this one??
Monday, August 16, 2004
Here's the post -- later!
August 15, 2004 11:56pm
Sometimes while Scott and I are in the middle of another one of our ironing out (with a steamroller, I might add) sessions over our communication issues, I will come to a realization about the nature of our problem. It will be as if a door opened up in my head. With the light POURING in… It’s how I imagine having an epiphany of a religious sort must feel. Like a brain orgasm. ::bam::
And the thing about that that is so frustrating is that I will try to share this with him and he just doesn’t have the same reaction. It’s like an A-HA moment and I’m left all alone with it. And don’t tell me it isn’t possible to have that with another person because we’ve totally had that happen. One of us will spark with an idea and the other one is right there – throwing kerosene on it and really getting it GOING. So, when I have these moments and they’re not shared that is a very hard thing. I guess I just forget sometimes that we really are two separate people. I’m not sure that’s a good or bad thing but I know he has that sensation sometimes too.
That’s actually what the aha moment was about. The realization that DUH I think we’re the same person which is why I make so many assumptions. I assume he will feel the same way that I do about everything and many times he assumes the same thing. He will share information that seems to want to pique my interest – because it piques HIS interest. I do that too. It’s the constant search for validation.
Which again is a good and bad thing. Because he really does validate me in many things. Just not always the areas I “expect” to be validated in.
Anyways, it was the epiphany thing I was focusing on but got sidetracked by WHAT the epiphany was about. It’s a “forest for the trees” approach to conversation which I am quite often guilty of.
It’s not often I have the sensation of having an explosion only in my brain. Especially the older I get and the less I seem to be exposed to new ideas, new thoughts, new… Anything. That’s why I like meeting new people. It’s like the modern version of explorers sharing stories of the lands they’ve visited. Here’s what we’ve got here… WOW, that’s crazy – I’ve never heard of anything like that before. ::bam:: Here we have THIS instead. WOW, that’s what’s really crazy – no one’s ever heard of anything like that before.
Sunday, August 15, 2004
I've been having phone problems -- unbeknownst to me -- and my friends sent out the bat signal to get back in touch with me. It's these moments when you realize that you are loved and it makes somehow all seem worth it.
Went to a party last night in Ghent. Wow. That was like going through a mini time warp. I haven't hung out in Ghent in years. Probably since my dear friend Adam moved out of his apartment. And that was... Well, it was a while ago. Anyways, it was cool. It took me at least an hour to work up the nerve to go and hang with people that I didn't know (other than the hosts). I'm THAT out of the loop of being social in a "new" scene.
Ridiculous. I had a great time. Had some light party chatter, had several Hurricanes (in honor of the weather), and did a little gnoshing. Really meant to spend more time getting to know several people at the party, but wound up spending most of the time with one of my host's co-workers because of my never-ending need to play Matchmaker and was trying to gauge if I thought she would be a good match for Scott's best friend.
I'm still on the fence. She's definitely a cute girl and lots of fun, but not sure if it's the right kind of cute and the right kind of fun. Not good a pairing people up really -- after all, look how long it took me to get it right for ME. And I know me better than anyone else.
When Harry Met Sally is playing on TCM right now. Just makes me feel so sappy that I can't tare myself away. It's almost here -- my line!! "Because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life with someone you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
I can STILL cry at this scene!! :-)
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Since so few people stop by the blog anymore, sometimes I think about being full on honest about all the thoughts that go through my head. But then I think -- you never know and it's better just to keep it all in.
Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's Lori's fault. Maybe it's the fact that Scott and I are combining all of our crap and I haven't seen my floor in two weeks. Maybe it's the bossanova. Ha ha. I don't know. But I haven't been feeling like myself lately.
I feel boring. I feel naggy. I feel confused.
The naggy is particularly hard, but I know that I AM naggy and can't seem to turn it off. It's just that the things that drive me so crazy are realistically little things -- but would also be little things for him to change/fix/resolve/whatever. The laundry area is 2 FEET from his side of the bed but yet the clothes can't seem to make it there. I have to get up extra early in order to not have us on top of each other in the bathroom. And we're both irritated with one another WAY more often than seems right for newly married people.
And never at the same time.
I think that there's irritation in newlywed life, they just don't include it in those diamond ads.
And it's NOT that I'm unhappy by any stretch, but I am pretty irritated a fair amount of the time. I started smoking more to combat the feelings and to try to self-impose a time out to think about whether I want to go off on the things that bug me or just let them roll.
I still haven't mastered that.
Okay. Want to write more but have to dash for dinner with Mom and Pop.
More sooner than usual -- promise!!
Sunday, August 01, 2004
I want everyone to know that there is a lot about being married that I really enjoy. I love my husband in a thousand different goofy ways. I know that he loves me for many different reasons too -- although he's not always great about showing it.
But what I want to talk about right now is my friendships with women. It really seems as though they are something that has slipped. It seems as though because I have gone into this relationship, this marriage that I am somehow now a different person who doesn't have friendships with women that are as deep and as bonded as they were when I was single.
There are a couple of different reasons for that. For one thing, for many single women "The Relationship" is the ultimate goal of life. I'm not going to lie, I have been (and may still be) one of those women who gets consumed by the relationship. It's very hard not to do this. The focus of many of your get-togethers when you're single is going out where single boys are and flirting with them and whatnot. Perhaps hoping that whatnot can lead to a little something more substantial -- knowing all the while that it never could. So, when you finally find yourself "accidentally in love", you tend to fall into the zone. Doing whatever your male half wants to do, making your plans around his whims and desires. Trying to do things that include both him and your single friends. Trying to create a scenario where your single friends who are also dating can "double" with you and your beloved. Never quite being able to shake the feeling that you are just setting up a "play date" between your boy and her boy.
But another reason is that your friend's also cross you off of a list of available friends. You're not available 24/7 and they don't want you to talk candidly about their failed lives in front of your beloved. They don't want HIM to know all about your warts and pimples. Even if they think he's great, they don't want him to know their flaws. It's not his business. They don't want to be fit in around your Relationship Events, so they make new single friends or put more emphasis on other single friends they have. They throw themselves into the dating scene as well and perhaps pull too hard towards a relationship that is not the right fit for them, just to have things in common with you again.
Then there's the relationship as a cult problem. Once you are in a relationship, some things are so sacred and private and easily misunderstood that you simply don't share them with the outside world for fear of judgment and ridicule. Some of the things are major, some of them are minor and some are just down-right silly. But the bottom line is -- there's some things you just don't share. Some things I don't share just because I have a hard time STOPPING the sharing once it starts and I don't want to give up too much. It's bad for the team which is ultimately bad for the relationship. It does sound cult-like, but there you go. Some things you have to keep in and believe that your beloved holds some of these same things sacred. You don't even talk about it with him.
You can't talk about the things you don't talk about with your friends because he would want to know WHY you would even want to talk about those things in the first place. That's a confusing run-on sentence, I know. But, it's the truth.
I find that my blogging slips as my relationship grows deeper. It used to be that I didn't write in my journal because I was blogging. Now, I'm not blogging because I jot little notes down on a notepad I keep ever-present with me. Little notes that are how I photograph moments for my mind.
I'm not sure how much more I even want or need to blog. But, it's kind of like the diary. I don't want to just flat give it up, but I just can't seem to get myself into a regular habit again. Just seems hard to believe there would be any time in my life in which extemporaneous writing wouldn't have SOME part. Especially since the only time that I never had that in my life I associate with some of the darkest times in my life...
Anyways -- rambled quite a bit.
Now, off to bed.
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