I'm not really sure when my life got away from me. When my contacts with people I care about got away from me. It seems my life is consumed by going to work and watching tv and sleeping. Occasionally fitting in time to go to school and oh yeah, spend time with my husband and my friends.

Got an email from a dear old friend this morning. A regular email, not a forward. Just a hi, how you doing, here's what's going on with me kind of thing. It had been so long since I had gotten that kind of email from anyone that I nearly broke down crying. It's also been as long since I have SENT that kind of email to anyone. My emails seem to consist of sending forwards mostly. If you think about it, we live in an age where it is easier than it ever was before to keep in touch with our friends and we let them drift away time and time again.

With some friends, it's okay. Not okay like it's good that they are drifted but okay in that the foundation is so firm that it would take much much more than lack of contact to break it up. This was the case with my dear old friend -- he and I probably only talk a few times a year, if that. But when we get together, it's like there never was a gap, there never was lapse. We have a comfort level that I have only ever reached with a few people in my life.

There have been so many people in and out of my life, and I guess I just feel like lately there's a lot more going out than coming back in. Most of my friends do not live here, they live hither and non. It's hard to feel connected when you don't have that day to day contact. And I do have friends here and I value them too, but there's something about that older, easy connection that is just impossible to replicate that you search for time and time again. People who have really been down in the trenches with you during your lows, and me with their lows, who really understand what it is that makes you you. People that you just don't have to even exchange complete sentences with who know what you mean and how you mean it and would never even have it occur to them to be offended on any way shape or form.

I had a friend once that walked out of my life. Voluntarily. I still deal with that regularly. Because I also had a friend once of whose life I walked out. Voluntarily. It was the hardest thing I ever did. And my friend who walked out -- she made it seem like it was such an easy choice to make. I still hear about her from time to time and it still kicks me in the gut. Every time. I wonder if my friend that I walked out on, does she feel like that? Does she cringe if she hears my name or happens to have a reason to think about me?? Am I the only one who suffers the guilt of lost friends?? I mean, they lost me too -- right?

And I in my arrogance consider that to be such a huge deficit! :-) They're probably thinking, phew -- sure is quiet now! Sure don't miss all that bruskness. That Heather, she needed to get right with Jesus anyways.

Or whatever it is that people think about me.

Anyways. Friends, Roman, Countrymen -- I love you. I think of you often, I know I'm awful about writing and calling and keeping in touch, but know that when you need an ear to listen, I am that ear. When you need a shoulder to cry on, I am that shoulder. When you need to share your laughter with someone, I will be there. In short, when you need a friend, I am that friend.

H.