Funny Thing Happened at the Baby Viewing

You see, my friends, every time we go to see new babies in our crowd there is the inevitable question "when are you two going to have a baby?" I mean, do you people even READ my blog?

Okay. But, it gets even better. So, I ask one of the wives if she and her husband are getting ready to have kids (because this is apparently what you do now) and she said to me (and I am NOT making this up), "Well, we got married, and we bought a house, and so it's the natural next step. I mean, we even have the dog."

Are you friggin' kidding me?? I beg you to tell me that you are, I wanted to say. But, instead, I just laughed politely and tried to change the subject. You see, I didn't realize there was an order to these things. That there was a law that once you got married and bought a house, that if you then got a dog then :::BING::: you were trained for parenthood. She's not the person who has ever expressed similar sentiment, but just the first I knew who was willing to admit it out loud.

Since when does having a dog train you to be a parent? You don't walk the baby when the baby has to poop. The dog does not have to be nursed. Acquiring a puppy does not, in fact, change the entire shape of your body. You don't have to worry about putting money aside to save for the puppies education. After all, obedience school doesn't quite run the cost of a college education. You don't have to clothe a dog -- in FACT, if you do, you look more than a little strange. You would clothe the dog in the privacy of your own home, maybe. (You sick little dog-dressing freak.)

And furthermore, if you buy the house before you get married and you happen to be cat people instead of dog people, does this disqualify you from the baby race? Is this how we can get a pass out of this shit?

Random stranger: So, when are you two crazy kids going to have babies?
Us: Sorry, we don't have a dog -- we're cat people.
Random stranger: Oh.

It's this kind of mindset that just drives me insane. Please understand that I have absolutely nothing against anyone who wants to have kids. (Contrary to beliefs attributed to me when I am really grouchy.) Procreate away -- SOMEONE has to take care of us childless fuckers when we are old. But, if you want to have kids, actually WANT TO HAVE THEM. Not because it is the "logical next step." That's crap. Honestly, it's crap. There is no logical step. You get married to someone because you believe you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Maybe you already had a plan to have kids, maybe you didn't. But you don't HAVE to have them. This is so frustrating to me. I feel as though I constantly have to justify (yes, even to myself quite frequently) why I do not want to have children. Why do I have to do that? What if there was something physically wrong with me that prevented me from having children? Would I have to explain this whenever someone asked? I wish I could, but unfortunately there is a wine bottle trapped in my uterus that prevents my having more children. Or something.

It's not an easy decision to stick to. After all, it's the "logical step." But since when have we ever been logical? One day we may be the sole source for information on adult movies (not that kind) and adult restaurants because our friends will be inundated with family movies and family restaurants. Maybe not. Maybe we'll be old and childless and lonely. This is a chance we may be taking.

Maybe THAT'S our logical step. That's what I'm saying. This is not the 50's. This is not some country where we don't have choices. (Though, if you're not a God-fearing Republican, it may feel that way.) We can choose to be married and yet still also choose NOT to procreate. We can choose not to marry or buy the house but have kids anyways. Who is to say? Who is making the rules, here?

No one but us. Because we are allowed. And the next step is just the next step -- even if it is illogical.