an open letter to a drama queen friend

I want you to know that I think you deserve better than what you are signing up for. I want you to know that there is more to life than being with someone who calls you at midnight to berate you for being with other people and having a good time. Is this a crime? (Dr. Seuss-like preaching.) I KNOW that you don't want to be alone, I know this more than anyone. It's easy for me to say -- I'm not alone, am I? But, that doesn't mean that I don't know how hard it is to be alone. I've BEEN alone. Alone alone. It sucks. It really sucks. The world is geared towards being with someone else. The evil triumvirate of holidays (Christmas, New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day) is winding down to the final stretch. The stories are filled with hearts and couples and racy-lacy underwear is in the store fronts of even the most sedate store.

It ain't easy.

I know that you avoid me when you make these decisions. I know that I am hard on you. I hope you believe that it's only because I want so much for you and truly believe that you deserve to be happy. I think you are an amazing person and I think you have the power to be happy alone, at least for a little while. But you have to believe that. And I've been where you are. I know how hard it is to be alone. One of my VERY first weekends alone, I really thought I was going to collapse from the boredom and loneliness. I was contemplating settling in to do a nice jigsaw puzzle, and I wondered, "Is this all there is?" I was scared.

VERY scared.

But, the alternative was being with someone who was verbally and emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. Someone who didn't think I deserved to be treated any better. Someone who made me believe that, too. It took a LONG time to regain a feeling of confidence. I don't want that for you. I want you to be empowered.

That's what it comes from. I guess I was hoping to be the one to empower you, but you have to want it for yourself. No matter how much I want you to have it, to feel it, to own it -- you have to want it at least a little bit for me to be there to give it to you. You have to be willing to make hard choices. You have to try not to stay with men who will use you and put your light under a bucket. You are a goddess, you an amazing creature. But, if you don't believe this yourself -- I can't give it to you. I can tell you over and over again, but you think they're just words and I'm being pushy and whatever. It's easy for you, Heather -- you're not ALONE.

That's what it boils down to. As soon as I got in a relationship, I lost my right to extoll the virtues of being alone because I didn't choose that. Well, the fact is that I never would have married just anyone. I was way beyond being with someone just to not be alone. Anyone that knows me (particularly anyone that has been around my relationship with Scott and see it compared to other relationships) would have to understand that there is no other relationship for me. There's no one else that fits with me the way that he does. If you're not going to be with someone who pushes you to be the best parts of you, who isn't going to accept you for your warts and all -- then there is no one else.

If you are sitting by the phone waiting for him to call, if you're timing how long you wait to call him back, if you feel remotely uncomfortable being around him... He's not the one for you. Period.

You know he's not the one for you. But, I knew he would come to you with his excuses and his reasons and I warned you -- this is a red flag. I'm not judging you for your decisions, but you have to know what you're in for. This is a defining moment. And I want better for you.

But, more importantly -- I want you to want better for you.

I really care about you a lot -- I'm here for you whichever way you decide to go. I'm just asking you to be careful with your heart. It's the only one you have, and you're the only who is really going to care about it.