Bridezilla Reporting In

It's going to get much much worse before it gets better. I know this to be true. I accept it. And yet, I'm still not ready for the things when they come up and throw me for a loop.

Today, he says (emails) that he doesn't really see why we need to get a hotel room the night that we get married because we're not going to be there for but a few hours, it's going to be really hard on us time-wise AND added money and pretty much impractical. I respond that I take these points into advisement but that his remarks have hit me pretty hard and I'm being pretty emotional about most things at this point and will need to just talk about it after a little while. He responds back that the BOTTOM LINE is that it's a waste of money that we've already been hemorrhaging and it's not going to happen. That was not the way to go with me. I contend that I have been the one who has been involved in this emotionally, I refuse to be "bottom lined" when I have already said that I KNEW I was being emotional and... Whatever. It was ridiculous.

He then chooses to send me the vows that he has drafted for our wedding about 5 minutes after this. How is THIS fair?? So, I start feeling misty and really wanting to find a way to work it out. I say that we were going to have to buy a bigger bed anyways, how about buying it that week and then have our wedding night be the first night we sleep in it? I acknowledged that this might not be THE easiest thing to accomplish in the world but I was going to try to work it out. Again -- shot down. Basically implied that I was being completely illogical and irrational and that that was never ever going to work out.

You know what? Am I SO wrong for wanting our wedding night to be just slightly different than every other night of our lives before and after? Is that just some crazy pipe dream? I'm not saying that I don't acknowledge the impracticalities and expense of having things any different, but seriously. I cannot understand this complete lack of any sort of emotional anything to go with it. "What're we gonna do, build a shed in your backyard to put the old bed in?"

I don't know dummy -- what were we gonna do with it otherwise?? AUGH.

This is just one example of the stupid crap that people fight about while they are planning a wedding. The absolute worst part about this whole thing is that if I had imagined what my wedding day would be like "ever since I was a little girl" it would never have been like this. It would have been lots lots different. But, I didn't do this and didn't do that because I didn't want to spend any more money and listen to the bitching about it. And now. Here we are. It's just ridiculous. I admit that I do somehow still want to marry him (and yet, feel the strong urge to want to kill him at the same time) but I do not want to have a wedding anymore. Most of the time by the time I finally dredge up the energy to get excited about the event, inevitably SOMETHING will come up that I hadn't foreseen and burst my balloon all over again. Him or his mom or my mom or whatever. It's just ridiculous.

But, the thing that they never tell you is that planning to have a wedding so that you can marry the man you love will make him the man you love to hate. It's true. It is my full belief that women who marry men that don't make them want to kill them at some point during the planning process are probably marrying someone gay and should just get out. It is only the certain knowledge that I am supposed to be feeling this way that keeps me going forward.

Move forward or die.

Because men -- especially this one -- just do not get it. You pour your love and soul and heart and dreams and money money money into this thing and every tiny little responsibility you throw their way, you would think is just a Herculean task. And the constant bitching about how much there is to do? Are you friggin' kidding me?? Do you have any idea how much work went into just getting us to this point?? And you have the a godamned nerve to complain to me about how much work there is?? Seriously? All you have to do is just show up, look good, try not to get cake on my dress when you're rolling it in my face, and that's it. Because all the balls that have been dropped along the way have been picked up. I mean, I am over it. Over. it. Especially when I know that for all of the complaining that he has been doing, he will just be tickled to death to have his favorite cousins and his sisters and his dad and his out of town friends ALL here at the same time, in the same place JUST to see him and tell him how great they think he is and so forth.

And then he says that I just throw that in his face. Well. That's probably true, but you know what? I agonized over invitations for hours, handwrote them (and bullied people into helping me) for hours -- bullied his mom into accepting our choices -- not thrown a bitchy princess fit about the disco ball tux -- found ways to cut corners time and time again... And no. He didn't ask for it and he didn't want it, but I know that if I were a better kind of person -- a kind of person who DIDN'T throw the fact that he's practically had to do nothing to make this happen -- he would really be glad that it's going down. I know because he is a person who truly appreciates the community that he has had throughout his life of his friends and family and how much they have all done for him through the years. That's one of the reasons that I love him and am marrying him.

But, boy -- am I bitter right now. Women in the audience who have known me since God and have reminded me that I have said that I would NEVER get married again, I say that I may believe in getting married but I do not believe in having a wedding. Everyone tells you this from varying degrees of frustration, but I'm telling you this from the bottom of my heart. If I had to do it all over again, it wouldn't have been this. I'm not sure what it would have been, but it would have been easy. Simple. Drama free.

But, now it's too late. All I have to do is survive and make sure that we still want to be together after it is all over.

H.