And now for more of the exact same stuff

I think I should just post some more pictures, that's better than whining about wedding stuff any day.

However, I have recently come to the conclusion that the reason that I may be so obsessed with the whole wedding planning thing (and perhaps, why many brides are) is that it delays my fears about marriage. Which are plentiful. Not being married to Scott, per se, just being married in general...

[Sidenote: In order to "study", I've been reading a lot of chick lit recently that focuses on chicks getting married. Frankly, it's been a little upsetting. I have belatedly realized that I could have gotten a pretty nifty little book out this thing and that just never even occurred to me. I've been too busy putting things off til the last minute to write a book. That would have been one more thing I HAD to take care of, so it's just as well I never started.]

But, marriage is a big thing. Many think that it's not as big of a deal to me because I have been there, done that. I have tried to present this image. Frankly, that is just a front. (Yes, here on the internet in front of the WHOLE world -- all two of you reading -- I am admitting to "fronting".) Sure, been there, done that with the wrong person, wrong time, wrong STATE, etc etc. I'd like to take a Mulligan on that one, can I do that?? This is the real thing. I am a grown up person (they tell me) and this is a grown up decision. I could potentially have children of my own to boss around and screw up one day. That's the Big Show, man.

I don't want to screw it up. I'm prone to screwing things up. What if it doesn't work out? What if I age weird and he goes out for smokes and doesn't come back? What if he does? What if we get on each other's nerves? <--- This is what I'm really afraid of. He doesn't have nerves as good as mine and I'm good at getting on peoples nerves. What if my nerves aren't as good as I think they are? What if he never ever takes the trash out ever? Do I have to start cooking? Is there going to be a place for dusting in my life?

What if I become domesticated?

I have very negative feelings about this. I HAVE been there, done that and I didn't like it. I was unattractive and had bad curly hair and went to craft shows a lot. It's not a good look for me kids and I'm not making this stuff up. I associate domestication with the death of the fun side of my personality. And I'm fun, damn it. I know that I have fun when I'm with me. Well, I have fun when I'm with me and I have an audience. But what if he doesn't want to be an audience all the time?

See. This is how the crazy gets on me and it's like lint on a black shirt under a black light -- bad bad stuff! So, in order not to think about that stuff, I just start concentrating on things like flowers and jewelry and gifts for attendants and hotel reservations. Details are what calm me...

Some of my friends who are not as close to me don't always return my calls right away or ever. I think it's because I say it's Bridezilla calling. I'm just trying to keep it real. The only thing worse than being Bridezilla is being one and not even knowing it.

Anyways, I have to go scour ebay for tiaras now -- the details are calling me. And yes, I said tiaras. When the fuck else am I going to have a legitimate reason to wear a tiara and not have people think it's weird??

-H