Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like ALL the years you spent trying to develop your self-esteem were completely in vain and all you've been doing is PRETENDING you have self-esteem all this time??

Errr, me neither.

Actually, yesterday was that day for me. I started out the day with the back pain I've been experiencing being at an all-time high. This made me start to get really paranoid that I had somehow re-aggravated the injury from cracking my vertebrae all those years ago. THIS made me remember HOW my back got cracked in the first place (thanks to my wonderful first husband) and reminded me once again what a complete idiot I was in the first place for staying with him after his complete and total lack of compassion throughout that whole ordeal. This is only 8 a.m. and I've already had a really healthy session of beating myself up. Only good things can follow!

Next, I'm driving to work and mentally mapping out an upcoming bachelorette weekend for one of my best friends. She has tagged me as her Maid (sigh, Matron, ick) of Honor and I just don't feel like I'm performing the task all that well. I mean, I have all kinds of rationalizations as to why, (I just got married, combining households, work full time, school part time, there's all this blogging to catch up) but they just sound like excuses and make me feel like I suck. We won't get into the planning of the weekend, but I'm not feeling up to my usual planning nazi level that usually makes us all so proud. (It's really not as easy as it looks to coordinate having 15 people at the same place at the same time all having fun on cue.) HP2 keeps trying to give me reassurances, but my self-esteem levels have reached levels that would cause a loud honking noise to go off if we were in a movie. (We are plummeting towards SelfEst 0. I repeat...) So, while it was a difficult task to accomplish because I am not a contortionist, I managed to get in a healthy dose of beating myself up on the way to work. Just feeling like, if this person who has been my friend for (yikes) 16 years can't rely on me -- who can???

THEN, I had invited a friend up for lunch at work. You would think I would remember this as I am always dying to have someone, anyone from the outside come up to see me (I have begged my husband every day since the beginning of beyond) and it never happens. When you only get half an hour for lunch, you don't have time to go out and see the world and let me tell you -- you miss the world more than you think you will. But, I digress. I didn't remember. I completely forgot and to top it off, my lunch was earlier than usual. So, she came up and waited and waited and waited in the lobby (the security at work rivals the Republican National Convention, no lie)... By the time I found out she was there (came back from lunch to a plaintive voicemail "uh, guess you forgot to tell the guy I was coming..."), she'd already waited probably 20 minutes and I couldn't even go see her because I had a meeting. Tony Kahlua to the rescue. I hate having other people clean up my messes, and this caused yet another round of knocking myself about.

We have our team meeting. I am reminded once again that I am not contributing to the overall welfare of the team because of my limited referrals (this is a work thing, takes too long to explain)... Two other co-workers and I are leaving to go to another team in a couple of weeks and one of the departing co-workers was greatly mourned because of her high level of referrals. We're REALLY going to miss her. They may miss me, but it's only going to help their bottom line when I'm gone. Sigh. Pow, pow.

I come home. It's been a long day of explaining hurricanes and their effects on your insurance. Scott has to work late and comes home to no dinner. This makes me feel like a bad wife. Yeah, I felt bad because of my back, but there are worse things in life and I should've sucked it up and fixed the man something to eat. Bam, pow. He was very supportive and thinking I was a little off in the head -- after all, when have I ever cared that I didn't cook?? Oddly, that just makes me feel worse.

Anyways. It's a new day. I'm a little better on the SelfEst scale, no alarms should sound today.

But then again, I have a Math test tonight and there's nothing like forgetting how to multiply to kick that back into the downward spiral...