life lessons by heather

1. Parkinson's is not sexy. We did a LOT of leg work in strippercize tonight and when I tried to walk out to my car, I looked like a younger, blonder, yet shakier Katherine Hepburn.

2. When you do little things to try to make your life easier, it only makes it harder than it was before you made it easier. Simple case in point: I moved my gum to its own little house in my purse and now I can't remember that it's there so it takes me twice as long to find my gum. I know -- would that all of our problems were this big.

3. When you lose weight, it doesn't happen all over your body at the same time. So, now while my torso is getting smaller, my ass is still huge and looks like someone grabbed it and their hand prints stayed.

4. Do not think that you will only read "one chapter" when you are more than halfway through the book. It's not like books usually get worse at this point and then you're an hour and a half past your bedtime.

5. Do not piss off your boss after she just got her ass chewed by her boss. You will wind up with 3 times the work load to start off your day than what you thought.

6. You never get tired of people asking you if you lost weight, so keep wearing your baggy clothes long after it's appropriate. When they fall off when walking, downsize and start over.

7. You will never feel sexy (ooops, sexxxy) if you eat anything gassy before going to stripper class -- or oddly enough, if you put gas in your car before arriving. Putting gas in and letting it out are both equally unsexy.

8. Drinking 4 shots before starting the class helps alleviate this a lot.

9. You should always appreciate how easy it is to lift your hairdryer, you never know when this will become a difficult task.

10. And finally... Do not tell your man you are taking a stripper class because he will want you to come home and rubup-up, rubup-up, rubup-up on his ding dong and all you want to do is eat some ding dongs.