When all of the blogs are a little random-like, should I bother to call them random thoughts? I feel like it's self-explanatory. But, then that pressing need to have some bold title perserveres...

I recently stumbled across the 1001 Books you must read before you die. I don't think this guy created it, I think it is supposed to be a compilation from critics suggestions or something. Frankly, I have never heard of many, many of these. Then, when I saw what they were -- I thought, if I have to read these before I die, I guess this means I am not allowed to die. Most of the books that I have read, I read because I had to in school. It got me thinking that if I had to create a list of books that you must read, what would be on it? I'm not sure. So, I think this is going to be a future blog topic. Keep in mind, I am not a scholar so don't think you'll find Moby Gone with the Tess of the Baskervilles or whatever that book was...



In other randomness, it's hard to have pregnant friends because I wind up putting this pressure on myself. The family pressure. The baby pressure. It's so fucked up. I can't imagine myself being responsible for some young person. Being responsible period, really. But yet, I just can't commit to not having kids. I can't imagine that my family would not eventually be traditional. And a woman who does not want to have children is a societal anathema. When I was in one of my many stages of flux on this decision, I was on a 2 year plan. I was going to wait until after Scott's 40th and a possible trip to Amsterdam and then I was going to take the plunge. I would be 35, so it's not crazy.

And I remember that I told this plan to a friend of mine and shortly afterwards, we were around some folks who were giving me a hard time about when I was going to get on board and she said something like it was okay, I had a plan.

As if it's NOT okay for me to not have kids and not have a plan. I don't know.

It's hardest to commit to this decision when I'm around little blonde haired boys, because I think that is what our baby son would look like. I was naturally blonde as a little kid and I guess I just think this will translate over and somehow it causes the longing.

Actualy, I have a problem committing to decisions in general. I just can't say I am going to do THIS and then feel comfortable sticking to it. After I lost 50 pounds, I had 30 more to go. But I just couldn't get motivated and got stuck. So, I decided to stay where I was and focus on maintenance so I wouldn't put the 50 pounds back on while I was trying to get motivated to lose the rest. But, I've put on 3-5 pounds lately and I can't commit to even working hard enough to get that off. I say to myself that I'm just going to be happy and learn to live with my weight. Do the best I can. Then five minutes later I'm reading stories about alli and Jenny Craig and thinking maybe I'll do that.

Can't commit.

Can't commit to one topic and finishing this catch up entry. But I'm gonna now!