This week in Fat Church

Wow. Fat Church was off the hook this week. There were tears shed and the emotions were flying high. We always dance around the discussion of the emotional side of our weight gain, but really got into it full on when one of the members asked our leader, "why do I keep doing the things that I do?"

This led to a discussion of how difficult it can be for some people to be seen in a new, thinner light. They're not used to the attention and it makes them uncomfortable. Our leader shared a story about a woman who had lost 75 pounds and still had more to lose, but then started putting the weight back on. She finally confessed in a meeting that she didn't like people noticing her, it made her uncomfortable. A woman in our meeting tonight confessed that she felt guilty about the weight that she had lost because of her family being overweight. When she's with them, she eats because she feels ashamed.

I can relate to this more than people would believe about me. Sure, I'm an attention hog and like to stir things up. But, the truth is that I only like the attention I ask for, and when I don't want anyone to notice me then I shut down the Heather Show. And for a long time, when I was 35 pounds heavier, it was really easy to turn that off because I was invisible. No one notices you when you are overweight. People just don't see you. And you don't get the same "perks" that thinner people get.

I resent that. People come up to me now and will comment on how much weight I've lost and all that, and it is great that they are doing that. It is nice that people are noticing a difference, but it's also weird. Unless you have ever lost a significant amount of weight, you just cannot understand what it's like to have people look at you in the before and after.

And really, I couldn't understand what it was like to see myself in the before and after. Because even though I know that I am the same person that I was last August when I started doing Weight Watchers, I'm really not. I'm a better version of that person. Not because I'm thinner, being thinner doesn't make me a better person. But it's the dedication to improving my lifestyle that is the change.

Another woman tonight talked about all of the various times that she had lost big amounts of weight. She said that one of the more successful times, she really took the time to get to know who she was along the way. She knew who she was 20 pounds lighter, 30 pounds lighter and so on. And I'm learning that, too. I know what I can do, and what I am capable of and how much more I know I will be able to do.

I really need to take some pictures. Because I keep thinking that if I already think that I look pretty good now, and I'm less than halfway there... How good am I going to think I look when I get down to my goal weight?

And I'm really not sure what my goal weight is anymore. Because we have a range that we can be in and while it's easy to focus on being at the higher end of the range, I don't know if Future Heather is going to be satisfied with taking the easy way out. So, I'm going to let her decide what to do when I get closer. I have a lot of confidence in Future Heather and I can't wait to meet her!

Sorry, I always get preachy after going to Church. :)