Why I shouldn't drink wine, start my period and watch Oprah... or maybe, why I should....


Warning: This is going to be long and rambly. More so than usual.

I started my period today and I've been sleep deprived, so it's been edgier than it normally would. I decided to come home and drink some wine and watch an Oprah that's been on the tivo for a while. It's the one about the families on the debt diet. Something that I know I should do, but Lord how many diets can one person go on??

This week there was a psychologist getting behind the psychological reasons that these families got themselves into so much trouble. The second family really hit home with me. The mom spoils the daughters and gives them everything they want. The psychologist Dr. Laura Smith says that this is actually abusive because by not setting boundaries for our children, then we are laying the groundwork for consequences that are putting our lives at risk. Not our physical lives, necessarily, but our future because we are facing a future of debt. Oprah says the mom is living unconciously because she doesn't realize that she is walking through life and not really thinking about the consequences of her actions.

The woman says that she just wants to do right by her kids and give them everything. Dr. Laura and Oprah try to get her to see that there are consequences to these actions, but the woman has a hard time seeing it because her parents did it for her. And what she's going through now, they say to her, IS the consequences. Dr. Laura says we do not need to raise any more young girls who are looking for jeans and clothes and men to fill their spiritual void.

And bam -- epiphany.

Everyone knows I was married before to a man I met when I was 18 who was emotionally (and sometimes otherwise) abusive to me. When I left home and then the state to be with this man, no one understood why. I was a good girl and a had the whole world in front of me and I threw it all away. Frankly, I never really understood why I did what I did. But, now I think about how spoiled I was when I was growing up. Just about anything that I wanted, I got. I had some boundaries, but not when it came to getting stuff. Because when my parents, especially my mother, were growing up their parents were poor and couldn't really give them much and they didn't want me to grow up like that. They wanted to give me what they didn't have. But as a result, I didn't know that there were consequences to them giving me whatever I wanted. By the time I realized it, it was too late. They had filed for bankruptcy and I was long on the road to being involved in this bad relationship.

I am not blaming my parents for what happened. It was their intention to give me good life and not make me "want" for anything. But, the fact is that as a result of that, I was constantly looking for something to fill that void. And as soon as I thought I found it, I jumped in head first. And when that relationship was lacking, I was so completely lacking in self-worth that I didn't think I deserved to be out of it. The consequences.

It's interesting to think that by giving our kids everything they want, that really we are creating them to only want more and never be satisfied. Never be full.

Yes, I know I don't have kids and maybe it's not right for me to preach about that. But, I do know that I have had an eye-opening experience and if I ever do have kids, I hope I keep this knowledge...

It's a funny thing about watching the Oprah and drinking the wine and all that. It always gets me thinking and wrapped up in my evolution as a person. One of the downsides of the evolution is that while I can still talk funny, I have a hard time writing funny anymore. I'm back to the days when writing was a haven for me and made me more reflective and made me really think about things that have happened and how they affect me and the people around me. It's a shame that this writing has become public, but that was my choice.

Oprah fucks with my head, but definitely in a good way.

Anyways, I though this would be longer but my current spiritual crisis is involving laundry and that's gotta be done. If I didn't have to do laundry, I could rule the world.

Fun quote from Rita Rudner: "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

Happy Friday, all!

Lori: tried to post the answers to the how boyish are you quiz and wouldn't copy over to blogspot. Bummer, but I got 60/40 boyish.

This week in Fat Church

Wow. Fat Church was off the hook this week. There were tears shed and the emotions were flying high. We always dance around the discussion of the emotional side of our weight gain, but really got into it full on when one of the members asked our leader, "why do I keep doing the things that I do?"

This led to a discussion of how difficult it can be for some people to be seen in a new, thinner light. They're not used to the attention and it makes them uncomfortable. Our leader shared a story about a woman who had lost 75 pounds and still had more to lose, but then started putting the weight back on. She finally confessed in a meeting that she didn't like people noticing her, it made her uncomfortable. A woman in our meeting tonight confessed that she felt guilty about the weight that she had lost because of her family being overweight. When she's with them, she eats because she feels ashamed.

I can relate to this more than people would believe about me. Sure, I'm an attention hog and like to stir things up. But, the truth is that I only like the attention I ask for, and when I don't want anyone to notice me then I shut down the Heather Show. And for a long time, when I was 35 pounds heavier, it was really easy to turn that off because I was invisible. No one notices you when you are overweight. People just don't see you. And you don't get the same "perks" that thinner people get.

I resent that. People come up to me now and will comment on how much weight I've lost and all that, and it is great that they are doing that. It is nice that people are noticing a difference, but it's also weird. Unless you have ever lost a significant amount of weight, you just cannot understand what it's like to have people look at you in the before and after.

And really, I couldn't understand what it was like to see myself in the before and after. Because even though I know that I am the same person that I was last August when I started doing Weight Watchers, I'm really not. I'm a better version of that person. Not because I'm thinner, being thinner doesn't make me a better person. But it's the dedication to improving my lifestyle that is the change.

Another woman tonight talked about all of the various times that she had lost big amounts of weight. She said that one of the more successful times, she really took the time to get to know who she was along the way. She knew who she was 20 pounds lighter, 30 pounds lighter and so on. And I'm learning that, too. I know what I can do, and what I am capable of and how much more I know I will be able to do.

I really need to take some pictures. Because I keep thinking that if I already think that I look pretty good now, and I'm less than halfway there... How good am I going to think I look when I get down to my goal weight?

And I'm really not sure what my goal weight is anymore. Because we have a range that we can be in and while it's easy to focus on being at the higher end of the range, I don't know if Future Heather is going to be satisfied with taking the easy way out. So, I'm going to let her decide what to do when I get closer. I have a lot of confidence in Future Heather and I can't wait to meet her!

Sorry, I always get preachy after going to Church. :)

quotes

Many people that know me know that I collect quotes.

If you didn't know, I do and would love to have you send me some.

My email address is the queen lee at g mail dot com -- not going to include the actual link for obvious reasons.

Here's one I stumbled across that I LOVE:

You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do. -Anne Lamott, writer(1954- )

grrrr

Okay, I'm mad. I've never really been one to get my dander up over the politics of the nation. Some of my good friends have lived overseas and have long gone on about how much America is hated and how greedy, nasty, awful we are, etc. And frankly, I was always a bit blase about the whole thing. Yeah, we suck -- so what?

But, this is getting ridiculous.

Have you heard about Senator Russ Feingold? I'm telling you right now that I am sincerely hoping this is the man running for '08. He is calling for the censure of President Bush because of the illegal wire tapping that Bush has authorized without approval. On American citizens.

I know that if you don't watch Fox news you know a bunch about this already.

I won't bore you with the details.

The fact is that it is disgusting. But then it gets worse. Sen. Wayne Allard from CO basically accused Sen. Feingold of consorting with terrorists because of the call for censure.

I'm sorry but if you disagree with the government that makes you a terrorist??

Does that mean that when Clinton was in office and all of the Republicans disagreed with him that THEY were terrorists??

There is no clear, concise way for me to express just how morally outraged and disgusted I am by this entire administration. When is it going to end? When is SOMEONE going to say that this arrogant, lying, candy-assed pig has gone too far???

And we live in a country of people who overwhelming voted him into office. AGAIN. How is that possible? When did American people stop caring about what it means to be American?

I have heard this time and time again and I fully agree that terrorism is the new Communism. It's the latest accusation you can throw on someone in order to sully their reputation. But, terrorism is even scarier because we saw EXACTLY what terrorists are made of on 9/11. Keep the fear going, keep the people feeding on the fear and as long as they are afraid then they will do whatever you say.

The people will go along with your ignoring the poor people in New Orleans when the levees are about the break. The people will allow you to continue on a path to financial ruin to continue a war that doesn't make sense. The people will let you listen to their private phone calls and conversations because you might be a terrorist.

It's outrageous. And we're just fucking lying down. Lying down and letting it happen.

Go to moveon.org, people. Sign the petition to have Bush censored. Or call your Senator and tell them you support this. Do something, stop lying down.

I'm telling you that if you don't respect your own rights, no one will.

Si-moan Graduates


This week I graduated from my strippercize class.

Over the course of 5 classes, I learned how to do a lap dance for my boy. (Or, technically, to anyone's boy I suppose, but not sure how Scott would feel abou that.) The last two classes are strictly devoted to learning a routine to a song (Darling Nikki).

Last week, I tried to practice one night when I had some alone time but shortly into my practice session the doorbell rang and it scared the crap out of me so bad that I couldn't practice anymore. I felt like a kid getting caught masturbating... Which, may have been because I think I was at that part of the routine, but whatever.

So, we continue to perfect the routine on Thursday night and I even got my own demonstration from the instructor. Wow. I was supposed to be paying attention and learning the moves, but when the moves were actually up on me it was pretty hard. That night, we were admonished to practice like 20 times before we actually showed off.

Needless to say, the whole waiting to do things has never really been a strong suit for me.

I came home and Scott was fully expecting to get the show that night. Even sent his friend home before I got there, and that was huge. I was kind of tired and sore, but one look at him and I knew that it was destined to be game on. So, I got showered and cleaned up and put on my costume for the show.

Meanwhile, he's looking for scarved to put over the lamp downstairs and trying to get the mood all right. I come down and start the show as the song starts to play.

Of course, I messed up a few parts, but since he didn't know the choreographing behind it had no idea and really seemed not to care. And then, midway through I -- in TRUE Heather fashion -- managed to pull my calf muscle. And this was right before a part where I had to put my legs up in his lap and grind in the air. (You think reading it sounds incredible, try actually doing it. Then trying doing it without laughing or screaming in pain.) Anyways, I made it through without messing it up too much and my money shot was... Well, it was on the money!

[Definition of "money shot" to the uninitiated: In stripper-ese, the money shot involves getting down on your knees and putting your ass straight up into the air while the front half of your body is almost flat on the floor. When done correctly it is grossly obscene and quite painful. If you have an occasion to be in a strip club and you see a stripper performing this, please pay her well -- it ain't easy being that sleazy.]

All in all, it was quite worth it. As much money as that class was, I now have something in my bag of tricks that I can pull out and perform whenever things need to be stirred up.

My fellow dancers will be signing up again for Round 2, but I'm not sure I have it in me. I couldn't walk straight the next day and was definitely hurting all over.

And that wasn't even from the dance routine... ;-)

mmm... let's give them nothing to talk about...

This is one of most favorite ironic things to talk about -- the fact that there's nothing to talk about. The Librarian and I have been talking ad nauseum this week about how there's nothing to talk about. A fact she's been dying to talk to me about.

With all of this talking, how can there not be any talking??

But, it's the same with the bloggins, so feel free to interchange the words if you care to know why it's been a year since I last posted.

Now that she and I are in the early, no kid years of our marriages, we have no drama. There is nothing to talk about. He's going to call, he's going to email, he already proposed, but he still won't put the bag in the trashcan when he takes out the trash -- if he takes out the trash. But, really, how much can you talk about that?

Sunshine is pouring out of my ass and I'm watching way too much tv and whatever -- there is nothing to talk about. I really think this is why I may be a better listener than I ever used to be -- I'm not constantly trying to interrupt with my own stories. I don't have any stories.

I firmly believe that people get bored with all of the lack of drama and decide to have the kids in order to spice it up. Once you have the kids, you will NEVER run out of things to talk about. Money and food and sanity -- yes, you'll run out of that, but who cares about that as long as you have conversational fodder?!

I often wonder if I'm strong enough to ride out the lack of drama and really stick to my "no kids" thing. Because no matter how many times many of you tell me I want/need/should have the kids, I really do not feel a yearning. The Librarian (who needs a new nickname -- how about KSquare? Kind of like K Fed. SHUT UP!) says if I don't want to have the kids, I shouldn't have the kids and really I should just shut up about it. (Okay, I'm not sure if she said the shut up about it part, but she doesn't have her own blog so whatever.)

But, it's on my mind because I feel like it should be, and I know that Scott wants them and I know how left out I'm going to feel when all of my kids have the kids and I don't and then what a slave to peer pressure I am because Lord knows I don't have time to go out and make new friends or I would have done that already...

Hey, at least it gives me something to talk about!

So, what do people in mostly happy, normal (well, normal for us) relationships talk about before they have the kids? TV? Books? Other people's kids? I really can't picture myself getting upset because Malcolm didn't get into the right preschool -- so, he'll have to eat paste at home, what IS the big deal?

Anyways, when my Strippercize class debuts their routine on the catwalk of JB's, THEN I'll have something to talk about...