Theories on disengagement...

While there are many issues associated with the engagement process, there are equally as many surrounding the disengagement process. Disengagement meaning those toxic situations that you just can't seem to get yourself out of. Or even when you DO get out of, can't seem to get over and just put behind you.

I think that most of us have had some form of toxic relationship. I had a former marriage that was toxic and didn't even learn my lesson then, because I followed that with a few toxic relationships or entanglements.

What is it that draws us into those situations? I'm not talking about the typical guy situations that we moan about -- the occasional flights into bad boyfriend behavior -- I'm talking about men who are incapable of treating you with anything resembling complete respect. Men who get into your head and live their rent free and then trash the place. BAD. Men that you convince yourself are right for you and overlook the majority of their flaws as an excuse.

And why? What is the reason? And how do you disengage?

All I can do is tell you what worked for me. First of all, you have to accept that you do not actually LOVE this man. Because loving someone doesn't come with but's. And you will hear yourself saying but I love him or I love him but. Nope. People have flaws. Treating you like crap is not a flaw, it is simply unacceptable. Lying to you, talking down to you, being unfaithful to someone to be with you, forgetting important personal accomplishments in your life, expecting you to do all of the work and not putting any effort in -- these are NOT flaws. This is a serious lack of character that you are deciding to associate yourself with. Why? Because you do not think you are worthy of better.

But, let me tell you something -- you are. You are worth more than that. You have to decide that, you HAVE to believe that, and then you have to believe that anyone who does not treat you with the same amount of respect that you treat him is not worth your time. Do not return his phone calls. Do not answer his emails. Do not send him any form of mail. Do not give him the time of day. Because you are undermining your value as a person each and every time you give someone value who makes you feel like anything less than you are.

If you went to a restaurant and your waiter did not bring you water or provide you with any service or even pay attention to you, would you consider that acceptable and reward that waiter with a BIG tip?? Because if the answer is no, then why would you reward with someone with pieces of who you are and information about you that he will only use to get into your head and hurt you more? Where is the sense in that??

It's not easy moving on. You've got to talk to people about it. Friends who don't accept your bullshit about he's a good person, but... If you don't have friends like this, then you need to get a counselor. You need to listen to a lot of music that is not going to make you sad and weepy and thinking about all the good times you had. You didn't have good times -- you just don't want to be alone.

Get over it.

Being alone sucks fucking ass, I'm not going to candy coat it. You hear empowered women telling you that to choose to be with a man is just a cop-out and that you don't need a man. Well, of course you don't need a man -- I myself have often used the phrase about women needing men as much as fish need bicycles. But that doesn't mean it isn't nice to have one around. BUT, that is where your thinking has to stop. Because while it's nice to have them around, you don't need anyone toxic around. You don't need them in your head, you don't need them in your bed.

The truth is that being in a successful relationship is actually a little boring. Because there is no drama. That's how you really know it's right -- you're a little bored. If you're not a little bored and you're tired of fighting all the time, then get out. Move on. It's not right. You're not getting any younger.

And, if you are already out, but you can't get him out of your head -- talk him out of it. Don't forgive him his trespasses. Don't forget his sins. You need to remember those things.

Disengage, my friends -- it's the only way to save yourself.