The Heather Show

Every time I get home from English class, all I want to do is write! I am sure it's because I have spent the whole night talking about writers and I just want to get IN.

This semester was such a refreshing change from last semest in English -- even factoring in the changing of professors MID-TERM. We read some interesting things, but mostly we had interesting discussions. It's just so nice to be in a place where I am learning to THINK again. Unfortunately, what I have really learned about myself is that I really need that first push to get the think button started. I am not my own think tank by any means -- I need that boost from other people. I am able to build and expand on others' ideas, but can't really come up with them on my own much. It's a hard fact to face.

The other thing about class is that I get to put on my Heather show. You've seen this show, right? The song, the dance, the jokes, the laughter, the tears. It's all in there. When I have intelligent people to feed off of, it is a dangerous thing. More push. I really like to put on the Heather show.

But. (There's always a but with me, isn't there?) I think the hard thing is that I can't always put on the show -- sometimes I don't want to do the song, the dance, the jokes, the laughter. That is the hardest part, because people really do believe that I AM the show. And they believe this because I make them believe it. I don't want them to know that it's just me standing in a cardboard box pretending I'm on tv -- I want them to think I AM the tv. And a lot of time, they do. Because aren't we all just trying to figure out own lives and where it fits in and who has time to analyze the show? Are YOU analyzing the shows of your acquaintances or do you accept the show at face value?

You accept, because it's just less complicated to accept. I ACCEPT that. After all, I am the producer and creativer director of the show -- if I didn't want you to buy our product, I wouldn't be promoting it so strongly. But, what goes along with that is that there will be people I will never get to know beyond their role as audience in my show, because... They do not have time to understand and I do not want to expose the level of neediness it would take to get beyond the Humor Walls.

And even though I sound almost bitter about it, the truth is that I'm not. Because the hard truth is that if I am putting on the show, then I don't have to come out of my cardboard box and be a real person and get to know YOU and what's behind your show.

And, there IS that.