BRIDEZILLA FOREVER!

You know, I have thrown that phrase around a time or two in my day but I gotta tell you -- I'm starting to gain a lot of sympathy for these creatures.

I would have to say that to date planning a wedding has been one of the most stressful experiences of my life.

And I have been divorced, changed jobs, and moved -- once all within a month. AND had major surgery on a grapefruit sized tumor. And none of that compares to this stress level.

In case you didn't know, I am normally a fairly confident, self-assured, assertive person. I don't have problems making decisions at all. I once whimsically decided it might be nice to have a new car and 48 hours later I was driving one. When I decided I wanted to move back to Virginia, I divested myself of most of my worldly possessions (as well as all of my ex's left overs), packed what was left, arranged for movers and drove cross-country in a car held together by a couple of bolts and a dream within 30 days.

What I am saying is that I never thought that I would be the kind of person who would stare at invitations for hours and agonize over the color and type of font. And yet, I have. The simplest decisions seems to weigh three-fold. They don't seem so simple anymore. Because you know that at least half of the people you invite are ultimately judging you by your invitation. Judging you by your invitation!

I know this, because I have done it. Good Lord, she didn't even send a response card? And there aren't even directios to the reception site, for pity's sake.

And then there's all of the other decisions. Who to invite, who not to invite. What to say to the people who aren't invited should they ask. How to make the most diverse group of people you have ever assembled universally happy.

After all, as the saying goes -- the only place unlike social types can really get along is in Heaven. And half the people coming, including myself, only have a 50/50 chance of ever even being able to verify if that is even true or not!

And I'm the kind of person who likes other people to be happy. And comfortable and at ease. Apparently, at the sacrifice of my own comfort and ease. Why do I need to be happy?? It's not like this has anything to do with me!

It's crazy. I know why I want the wedding, both the good reasons and the really awful ones, but I think if I had known I was going to get THIS stressed out about it -- I might have been more willing to discuss eloping.

Because the other thing they don't tell you is that while you are going completely out of your mind planning the event of the year, you start to have really negative feelings towards the person who is the reason you are planning all of this.

And he towards you because all you ever seem to be able to talk about is this damned wedding.

And believe me, I make a conscious effort to talk about other things or even not to talk when we are together, but the gears are always in motion, anticipating the next major hurdle and that makes it hard to keep that promise. But, I do try and he's trying to pretend like it matters.

But we both just want it to be over with and hope that we still want to be married after the event.

People tell me that we will.

Perhaps the answer is separate honeymoons, ha ha.

But, the Bridezilla thing? It's cruel even if it is true. The next time you are tempted to use this moniker, I want you to think about what it would be like to plan a party for 150 people who wouldn't ever normally be even in the same STATE at the same time, much less in the same room -- while working full-time, going to school part-time and dealing with a major management shift at your job.

Yeah. That's what it's like.

Anyways. I have homework I should be doing and television that I WILL be watching! Later!

HP

Look, I need y'all to be patient with me. I'm gonna stop in and post from time to time as I've been doing all along. But, I'm getting married and planning that and taking classes and working full time and we're going to be moving in together in a few months. I got a lot going on. And I'm only one woman.

But I can GUARANTEE you that being married is going to provide a crap-ton of material for this here blog and all of your waiting and watching will not be in vain.

So, keep checking in. I'm gonna keep posting, just not at my previous prolific levels. Doesn't mean I don't want you in on the inner workings of my head, it just means I simply don't have a lot of time!

love you though!

Having a vagina ain't for pussies

You know, I get a little torqued when men throw out that "time of the month, eh?" thing. Because, yeah -- it's true, but they have ABSOLUTELY no idea what that means.

Or even what it means to have a vagina in general.

I mean, if they had to deal with the bleeding, cramping, headaches, bizarre tie-in to your bowels, mood swing thing every single month of their lives they'd be a little fucking crabby, too.

Not to mention the occasional inexplicable discharges, yeast infections, bladder infections.

And then there's the hair issue. Seems to always need some level of grooming. Too much or not enough, and I don't see them hankering into bizarre positions with sharp instruments poised above THEIR private areas too regularly.

Then you got to dress it up the right way. Gotta let it breathe but not too much because then there's that odor.

God help you if you have a vagina that smells. Never mind trying to tell them what THEY smell like down yonder, they think it smells like roses and tastes like chocolate.

White chocolate, that is.

I'm just saying -- suffer a couple of headaches and a life-altering level of mood swings regularly and then come to me with your "that time of the month, eh?"

Gotta go philosophize...

HP

OHMUHGOD,OHMUHGOD!

Well, hasn't this just been the 5 days to beat the band? I found my wedding dress! Yay! I found bridesmaid dresses! Yay! The Big Move passed and even though it sucks, at least it's over. (The work Big Move, the personal one -- nowhere near time for yet.)

AND ADAM RETURNS IN AVERAGE JOE'S REVENGE!

Okay, okay. That's not what it is called. But, it should be.

Frankly, this is the thing that can EASILY crack my wedding obsession. That and the daunting task of ever catching up on my communications homework. Uh, SCARY!

Okay, but back to Adam. He is just as adorable as before, but he has got some scary ones to weed out of this crop before we can get down to the normal girls. Especially that Jen L girl. She is SUPER scary! She looks and acts like a Saturday Night Live caricature of what someone on that show would act like.

I'm not sure if I can get as obsessed with this show as I did with the first one. Watching a bunch of girls fighting over one guy? Snore, that's just an average night a Bar Norfolk. Women ganging up and getting catty over one guy is just kind of silly. When men have to do it, it's fun to watch. And having that beautiful girl in the position of having to pick from regular guys, I liked that too. But, Adam's just a guy who finally gets a chance to have a room full of women saying how great he is. The fact is that he seems like a pretty great guy to begin with, so it's kind of a shame that it took NBC to make a bunch of women realize that.

So, we'll see. Maybe I'll get into it, maybe I won't.

One of the things that he said that I really liked was when he was talking about how all of his friends say that when you meet the right person, you just know it and that's who you want to be with for the rest of your life. He said something about how it wasn't like you never LOOKED at anyone else, but not in that same way. That's how it is for me with Scott. It's not like I don't ever look at other guys and think -- mmm hmmmm... But, the fact is that I can't imagine myself with anyone else. I really do feel like for better, for worse -- we're in it together. So, that's why even when things are not going well, I don't dog him out to my friends and everyone on the planet (well, unless I'm sleep deprived and there were toilets overflowing involved) -- he's my partner. It makes me feel disloyal to say be disrespectful. Frankly, it's not always easy to keep things to myself because he does some pret-ty frustrating things. But, what're you gonna do?

Today, I said this was the Monday-est of Mondays and now it's over.

THANK GOD!

love you mean it,
HP

Things that Bamboozle me

I don't know how to put my hair into one of those super-sleek and smooth ponytails. [Sidenote: am I the only one who thinks that smooth should have an e on the end of it?] Actually, up-do's in general are the bane of my existence, but particularly ponytails. Every time I see one of those when it's done like grown-ups it just makes me want to do that. But, mine are either too high or too low and NEVER that smooth without a lot of really obvious product. Maybe it's because I color or have lots of cowlicks, not to mention that I don't even like my face enough to have it that exposed so I'm not sure why I want it that much.

Also, why isn't there some kind of fool-proof way to figure out how you would look with bangs without having to commit to them?

Moving on... Why can't I just accept that I am a plus-size girl and move on with my life? I am tired of beating myself up about it and yet still not doing anything about it. I just need to get on ONE plan and be done with it. Seriously. Right now, it's a clothing issue more than anything else. It's next to impossible to find clothes in my actual size. There are plenty of things that are supposed to be designed for my size, but they're always either too big or too small or too... not right! And I am in the wrong zone -- I'm in a size that too big to be able to find a lot of clothes in a regular person's store and too small to have a decent collection in a big girl's store. Which is REALLY frustrating. I truly am a freak -- too big to be skinny but too skinny to be big. I want a store that's designed JUST for people like me -- the in-between market.

However, according to most manufacturers there apparently aren't many of us out there -- because the stores only seem to ever have but a scant few 14's, but hundreds of 10's. HUNDREDS. Where are these girls hiding out? There are clothes for them EVERYWHERE. In fact, if I could afford liposuction, all I would really want is to get sucked down to a size 10 and medium shirts. I would be set for life. Seriously. And the stuff would be cheap as shit too. Because they have so much of it, they're usually giving it away. Whereas I almost never buy anything on sale, because if I wait for the sale it will be gone gone gone.

Another confounding fact of life is men and the princess thing. Was indulging in some Newlyweds tonight and Nick used the word camaraderie and Jessica didn't know what it meant. Seriously, are you friggin' kidding me? I mean, it's a known fact that she's not a genius and that she is DEFINITELY a princess. Scott jokingly (I hope) compares me to her frequently, especially when I'm acting rather princess-like. But the fact is that Nick loves that girl more than anyone ever could and it's the same with Scott and me. So, do they want the princess but just like to bitch about it? Do they like it BECAUSE they get to bitch about it?? I don't get it.


Anyways, had my first team meeting today with my new team and my new boss. I'll just leave it that it's going to be really interesting. I may have LOTS more material in the coming weeks... We'll all be together officially this Monday.

That's about all I've got tonight. Heading out of town to bond with the B-maids this weekend and find them some dresses and stuff.

If only I could find a dress for ME that I really liked! :)

HP

Telling it like it is since 1973

The fact of the matter is that I DO tell it like it is. Or at least, as I see it. This is probably where Scott and I are the MOST alike, which is the hardest part of being in a relationship. Because if you do not want to know what I think, then don't ask. And I'm much more extreme about it, because frankly I'm pretty bad about telling you what I think even if you don't ask -- though I have tried to temper that as I get older.

But, many people ask me for advice throughout the day and the week and my life and I give it. And I don't sugarcoat it. Ever. If you wanted candy coating, you would have been eating M&M's, not talking to me. And it's just that simple.

But I'm thinking I'm going to start revamping my balls to wall advice and I'm going to shorten it to this: Choose to be happy, no matter what.

The fact is that choosing to do things that will make you happy in the LONG run is seldom easy in the SHORT run. But, really -- which would you rather have? I'm saying if you have tried everything to make something work, then draw the line somewhere and stick to it. It's the lines in the sand that will get you every time.

Scott complains to me about his mom and she complains to me about him. I implore them both to try to talk to each other and work things out and they don't/can't/won't. Frankly, I can't make things better for you if you don't want to work it out. I have tried to explain to both of them what I think the problems are and it's like I'm talking to the wall. My work neighbor complains about her husband and her kids and issues them ultimatums that she doesn't follow through with. It's never going to change because they know that it doesn't have to!

I am NOT naive -- I know that things and situations and people don't change overnight and sometimes not at all. But the fact is that if you work on it hard enough you CAN change how you react to the situation. You can. Because you do not have to choose to put y ourself in a position to be affected adversely by people that make you unhappy. Or you can choose to explain to people that make you unhappy WHY they make you so unhappy -- so what if it's awkward? It's not like it was so great before. People can and will surprise you every friggin day by doing things that you didn't expect them to do.

Raise the bar! Expect more! If you're disappointed, so what? Is THAT the worst thing that's ever happened to you??

Well, good for you then. Good for you. Because if being disappointed is the worst thing you've ever had to suffer then you have had a very good life indeed.

HP

Where the FUCK did my life go??

It's like, I'm sitting here one minute and it's Christmas and then 20 seconds later it's March 8. March friggin' 8th. I am getting married in 4 months and becoming Mrs. Ohtheresplentyoftimeforthat.

Ri-ight.

So, I keep buying into that, until folks keep asking me if I've done this or that or thought of this or that and I just stare at them blankly until they get the point. Sometimes they do not get the point, so I will try to cry or scream or whatever it takes to make them run away in fear.

Sometimes those people are my future mother in law or even my own mother, so the above is not an option. That's when I just sputter through my answers and ask them what their thoughts are. Sometimes this work.

Sometimes I use their thoughts as a firm idea of what I definitely do NOT want. This seems to work well, sometimes.

And then the planning took a complicated turn this weekend because we spent a lot of time with Scott's extended step-family, I guess you could call them. They're not related by blood but he's been close to them for years so they may as well be. These people were friggin' awesome. They love to party and they like to get together and talk trash. The problem is that there is like 100 of them or more. I can't afford to throw a wedding for 250 people, I just can't. But, the grumbling was starting because almost none of the cousins are going to be invited -- and this was a very sore subject.

Which I can and can't understand. I mean, I get that they're family and they want to be included but they have to understand that weddings are not free, right? I would love to have them all there -- I thought they were great. Frankly, a hell of a lot more exciting than my own family to be sure -- and possibly even more interesting than many of my friends. But, still they are my family and my friends and you just have to draw the line somewhere.

It really is the guest list that pushes you over the edge. It's the cutting it down and catering it to whom you think will actually come and whether or not they will even fit in with your other crew and so on and on. It's ridiculous. It becomes a hierarchy of anyone you have ever known and how important they really are to you. It's probably the number one thing that is related to the wedding that Scott and I disagree on. If he had it his way, there would be practically no one there. He says it should be about the people who are involved in our lives. I say that there are plenty of people that I'm not involved with on a daily basis who mean or have meant a lot to me through the years. I want to share this day with all the people who have brought me to where I am today. Almost everyone that you meet in life has some influence on your life, even if that influence is no greater than "phew, sure am glad THAT'S not my life."

Anyways, I did want to write about the weekend with Scott's family -- but there's too much that's not really fit for public consumption, so I guess you'll just have to ask me about it if you want to know. ;-)

rsvp now you hear?

HP

Ode to my Hairdresser -- sorta

So, my hairdresser rocks. The Goth Girl is always hooking me up with ideas and good hair kharma and stuff. She did a real number on my hair a couple of years ago and when people hear the story and then hear that I'm still with her, they always scratch their heads and make a confused face.

Can't help it. There's not many people who can turn you into a human shag carpet and then make you come back for more. I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment that way.

The thing is though -- I realized that my Gothgirl is like Scott in some ways. She's a teaser. From the minute I get in the shop until the time I walk out, she's usually teasing me about something. Granted, I bring much of this on myself by making ditzy comments like, "I wanna be blonde because I associate blondeness with brideness." (Yes, this is an actual Heather original comment.)

But the thing that I realized is that she teases me because, in her own way, she loves me. Not like some of my long-time close friends, but in more than just your average hairdresser-client kind of way. Because underneath the teasing, there's always something there will always be a remark that's usually very kind and considerate. And, like Scott and his delivery of these lines, these comments and their true sincerity will often take me completely off-guard. When I was in this past Saturday, getting back in touch with my blondeness, she was directing me towards the dryers and started carting all my stuff over for me. I got a little huffy and told her not to treat me like, you know, a princess. She told that she was going to treat me like I was a princess because I AM a princess and I deserve only the best and therefore deserve to be treated as such. Or something of that ilk -- something that said, hey -- you are special and you just need to recognize that.

It's nice to have that. Especially in the midst of bridal anxiety and getting overwhelmed by the minutiae. Don't get me started because the truth is I'm freaking out. I don't think there's much chance of me turning into Bridezilla and driving everyone crazy over getting every last detail exactly right because I'm still not sure what the friggin' details are!

I get to a point where I narrow down the things that I think are left to be considered and checked off. The music, the invitations, the cake. And then I will casually mention one thing to someone and that turns into a whirlwind of what color is this and where will this person stay/stand/sit/crap/whatever. Well, shit -- I hadn't even thought about what color that would be and I didn't even remember that THAT person was supposed to be coming. Oy vey. And then I'm back to ostrich mode. Which is not really solving things.

Anyways, so back to the Gothgirl. She's helping me out a little on one of my minutiae issues -- the invitations. And she keeps it real for me by reminding me, "This is NOT your wedding." That's the reality of it, folks and that really does help ground me. She even has her own hand in the NOT my wedding part. I told her that I was hoping that she was going to help me with my makeup in addition to my hair that day and she told me that I never would have had a choice in that because she "does my makeup better than I do."

Damn, well that's true. Frankly, if I ever get rich I'm gonna get her to be my on-call hair ho. Kinda like Christina Aguilera does. For those of you with lives outside of the E! channel, that's an interesting fyi -- Christina has her own hair person who comes out whenever she feels like "playing with her hair" -- even if it's like 3am. All that freak stuff, on call. I bet my Goth girl would get a kick out of making hair for me and stuff. I wouldn't even make her get up before noon.

Cuz I'm a cool rich girl like that, in my fantasy rich girl life. :)

Gonna go layer up for bed -- at the rate I'm going, guess I'll catch y'all next week!

HP