Alone

Sometimes I think that I can't really relate to anyone, nor can anyone really relate to me.

This is one of my most self-pitying moments. The truth is that I KNOW that I am not really like anyone else. I assume we all have these moments from time to time when we fully understand how isolated we are from other people. I think that these moments have just been coming along a little more regularly for me.

I see my life as a series of facets. The sides of me that people see and the sides of me that they don't. Some people see different sides, some people choose to believe that other sides don't exist. Some people do not even know that those other sides exist. To most of the people that are in my life, I am single-faceted. I am only one Heather to them.

I may be the Heather that listens and gives soap-box advice to their problems. I may be the Heather that only gives the advice and doesn't listen. I may be the reading in the corner of the cafeteria Heather. I may be the Stand-up Comedian Heather. I may be the Drama Queen Heather. I may be grumpy Heather. I may be any one of the many pieces that are me. There are VERY few people who really see and accept the full, true me. And among this small group of people there may be even fewer who truly understand me.

Are you reading this wondering which one of those groups you may be in? Maybe. The truth is that I don't let many people past my guarded walls. There's a lot of trust that is involved in that, and frankly I don't handle disappointment well.

This goes back to my earlier allusion about the best friend thing...

My husband works with a woman whom I like, but she has a friend that I have met through her whom I like more. The friend of friend and I have more in common and have similar perspectives on life in general, it seems to me. A few weeks ago, there was a situation where we were all hanging out. She said that we should hang out some time and I said that I never approached it because I thought she and the other woman were best friends and I thought it might be weird since I only knew her through person. She said "no, L--- already has a best friend. We've known each other a long time, but I am not her best friend."

Yadda yadda yadda, this conversation sort of trickles back to L. She doesn't understand why her friend says this, but acknowledges -- begrudgingly -- that they are not "best" friends. That there is criteria for best friends that the two of them do not quite share.

This is fascinating to me. That this best friend dynamic still exists. Yet, I know it does. I myself am fortunate enough to have two friends whom I consider to be "best" friends. I know why they have this label, and I think that each of them also knows why. They couldn't be more different and I think this is why they are both able to share the "label" without any sort of bad blood about it. Not that they are the sort of friends to ever have bad blood about my other friends -- which I think is part of the reason too.

Some of you may be wondering where Scott may fit in to this best friend equation. The truth is that anyone who has a good relationship with their husband can understand where I am coming from when I say -- my husband is above all others my very best friend. I love him more than anyone, I trust him more than anyone, I would do anything for him and I know that he feels the same way. HOWEVER. There is no substitute in this life for a good girlfriend, period. There is no way I can talk to my husband for 8 hours straight and still have more to talk about 8 hours later. As much as he makes me laugh, it's not the same kind of laughs I have with my girlfriends and he is never really going to "get it" the way they do. As much as I love and respect and praise this man above all others, he is -- at the end and beginning of every day AND in between -- only a man.

I mean, I'm just saying. :-)

Total digression, but I'm tired and a little wined up.