Thursday, July 27, 2006

and just one more quick thing before I let you go

After I posted that Arnold quote (about the duct tape), I realized that the reason that I don't just completely go off and say any old thing out here in the world wide web is because of Arnold. Because I WAS Arnold. I was (and am) weird and don't completely fit in. And not even in a way that I can put my finger on. I just do not know how to relate to people, to get close to them, to bond to them. I just don't get but so close.

I've never been quite weird enough for anyone to wrap me in duct tape and throw me in a dumpster, but I also have always known that I was really close to the line. I really understand that I walk the line.

And this prevents me from going off completely. It's the underlying notion that even if I metaphorically cover someone in duct tape and throw them in a dumpster by just unleashing all of my unfiltered opinions on them, it doesn't do anything but relieve the tension I feel because the person is different than me. Doesn't quite fit into my view of "the picture." I can go off and walk away, but then how about how the Arnolds feel? How to deal with the fact that this act has changed them in a negative way? How to deal with the fact that my name and vision will forever after be associated with something horrible and unkind?

Who am I to judge? Who am I to determine someone's destiny?

I am but a speck in the face of the universe and all I really want to do is to make sure that when I am gone, the speck that I occupied is not worse for it.


Julia is trekking through Europe right now. Maybe she will stop at an internet cafe and get a wild urge to check on my blog. And I will say, "Remember that thing you told me to tell you not to do? You're doing it again."

I wonder if she remembers this?? I tried to teach this to my godmother, because she is the one who instituted the "just one more quick thing before I let you go" phrase. She'll call for a quick minute and before you know it, it's an hour gone by and your ear is hanging by a thread. I tried to teach her about the above phrase, but so far it's not meeting with much success.
I'm thinking about giving up blogging. It's all but a shadow of it's former self anyways. I don't go into much detail about anything overly person and there's rarely even a sense that I should be posting.

I remember when I used to keep a regular journal. The need, the craving to sit down and dump out all that was INSIDE OF HEATHER'S HEAD and get it out, out, out. While I still feel that way in some respects with the blog, I feel that level of censorship because it's out there and it's so public that I never, of course, had with my journal. (Even after learning my mom was reading my journal...)

Plus, there was that satisfaction of having the pen feverishly scratching over the paper, the side of my hand black with the ink of my writings... And being able to go back and tell just from my handwriting what my mood was like.

Now that I'm blogging, my handwriting is 10,000 times worse than it ever was because I rarely ever write much of anything down.

I want to believe that I'm still writing for myself, but I know how much I censor. I can't show off all of the ugly side of my personality, my opinions and my life. For the same reason that women fear having their journals read -- the fear of scorn and judgment. I want people to think I'm nice and sweet and yet sarcastic and salty and yet never think any of that has anything to do with you.

But the truth is -- I do not understand you and your life anymore than you can ever understand me. I do not get the choice you make because they are not the choice I would make. I do not understand how you cannot see yourself the way other people see you -- anymore than you cannot understand how I do not see myself the way other people see me.

So, I don't know. Maybe I won't come back. Maybe I will. It's just not the same for me anymore. And look back at the old stuff:

This stuff was good stuff. Classic Heather stuff. Pre-marriage and just have other shit to do that is too mundane to blog about. Bridezilla stuff.

I urge you that if you are a Heather fan, during my potential forever hiatus, take some time to reread the archives -- EVEN Scott did that and he started using one of my summaries as the tag line for his emails. (Yeah, I do brag about this a little -- I mean, dude, I got to replace Lex Luthor!) The quote he uses is, "To always suspect that people think you're a little weird is one thing, to have them affirm it by covering you in duct tape and throwing you in a dumpster. Well, that's just something else, isn't it?"

Don't get thrown in a dumpster and holla!

Monday, July 10, 2006

So, we've just about finished moving into our new home. And just got internet TODAY -- my marriage may actually last another 2 years after all! (Today is our 2 year anniversary -- we gave each other the internet as a present.)

I have to say that move has been pretty successful over all. We definitely had some bumps, but nothing that was majorly dramatic in the grand scheme of things. The big delay in having the satellite and internet installed was a potential cause for divorce due to the stress and strain Scott was feeling over not being able to communicate with the outside world.

But, we're just about up and running and we may be able to tear ourselves away for long enough to appropriately ring in our anniversary.

I mean, I can stand to be away from the computer for 2 or 3 minutes, no problem. :)

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