I'm thinking about giving up blogging. It's all but a shadow of it's former self anyways. I don't go into much detail about anything overly person and there's rarely even a sense that I should be posting.

I remember when I used to keep a regular journal. The need, the craving to sit down and dump out all that was INSIDE OF HEATHER'S HEAD and get it out, out, out. While I still feel that way in some respects with the blog, I feel that level of censorship because it's out there and it's so public that I never, of course, had with my journal. (Even after learning my mom was reading my journal...)

Plus, there was that satisfaction of having the pen feverishly scratching over the paper, the side of my hand black with the ink of my writings... And being able to go back and tell just from my handwriting what my mood was like.

Now that I'm blogging, my handwriting is 10,000 times worse than it ever was because I rarely ever write much of anything down.

I want to believe that I'm still writing for myself, but I know how much I censor. I can't show off all of the ugly side of my personality, my opinions and my life. For the same reason that women fear having their journals read -- the fear of scorn and judgment. I want people to think I'm nice and sweet and yet sarcastic and salty and yet never think any of that has anything to do with you.

But the truth is -- I do not understand you and your life anymore than you can ever understand me. I do not get the choice you make because they are not the choice I would make. I do not understand how you cannot see yourself the way other people see you -- anymore than you cannot understand how I do not see myself the way other people see me.

So, I don't know. Maybe I won't come back. Maybe I will. It's just not the same for me anymore. And look back at the old stuff: http://thereisthat.blogspot.com/2004_01_01_thereisthat_archive.html

This stuff was good stuff. Classic Heather stuff. Pre-marriage and just have other shit to do that is too mundane to blog about. Bridezilla stuff.

I urge you that if you are a Heather fan, during my potential forever hiatus, take some time to reread the archives -- EVEN Scott did that and he started using one of my summaries as the tag line for his emails. (Yeah, I do brag about this a little -- I mean, dude, I got to replace Lex Luthor!) The quote he uses is, "To always suspect that people think you're a little weird is one thing, to have them affirm it by covering you in duct tape and throwing you in a dumpster. Well, that's just something else, isn't it?"

Don't get thrown in a dumpster and holla!