messy, outgoing, open, self revealing, ambivalent about chaos, unpredictable, not good at saving money, social, likes large parties, likes to stand out, risk taker, quick to make friends, does not like to be alone, rash, fame seeking, sarcastic, craves attention, social chameleon, low self control, food lover, not rule conscious, weird, assertive, not a perfectionist, anti-authority, thrill seeker, vain, likes to fit in, reckless, emotionally sensitive, leisurely, trusting

I took one of those internet personality tests that Goth Girl is always posting on her blogs and that's what it said about me.

You wanna take it? Personality test by Similarminds.com

TRUE CONFESSIONS

Here's the thing. I am sure that I have mentioned in the past that I have a competitive nature. I'm not sure how much I would have talked about this, since I am, frankly, ashamed of it. But, it's there. The shameful part is just how deep it goes.

For one, at work I have a thing when we have a potluck. I have this super easy Mexican dip that I make that there is slight variation in... You know, the thing they accused Martha Stewart of... Doctoring her printed recipes just a tad so that they can't come exactly how she makes them. The competitive part is how many requests I get to make it, or get asked what the ingredients are, or worse yet how much of it is eaten. I try to mix it up and bring other things, to humble myself by showing no one cares what I bring. But then, they don't eat the "other" thing and I'm back in the race again.

But, my true confession is about my competitive dating. Now that I am married, not much to compete over. No one's putting up a fight -- we each bought in. He says that I invent things to complain about, but that's not exactly true. I'm complaining because I am in the zone. The Fight Zone. I need to win -- we need to be The Best Couple. We need to be The Couple Everyone Wants to Hang Out With. (The last title is too long, I've got to tweak that.) We have to be funniest and most entertaining and most stories and best hair and best clothes and best all-around.

It' s a lot of pressure. And the problem is that I have low self-esteem and so I put a lot of pressure on Scott to be "the interesting one" in our group. I need him to be the stronger link. Again, it's a lot of pressure. And I wonder if I am the only one who feels like this?

Have you ever hung out with another couple and while you were driving home, compared their relationship to yours? Or just talked abouot some of the "odd things" you saw in the other couple? Did you ever wonder if they were doing the same thing to you? Did you ever wonder if their fighting was just for show? Or did you think it sure seems like they never fight? Are they this happy all the time? Why DON'T they get a room??

Do you believe that I am the person you can talk to about these things when no one else talks about them? Don't you think that everyone wishes that they could talk about these things, but doesn't realize that other people agree?

Or is all of this really just me??

And if you are in a competition that other couples don't even know that they are in, does that mean you win??

Heather Time

There was a catch-phrase that really caught on around the time that my father passed away. That phrase was (insert your name) Time. It started with Scott, who was a bit overwhelmed by all of the family presence and then got an infection to boot. He said that he needed some "Scott Time," and it would be understood that he just needed to get away from the madness for a minute. Gradually the phrase was used for just about anyone, particularly my aunt's introverted husband who needed to have some Bob Time.

I've been thinking about this lately because I've really been wanting some Heather Time. My husband hasn't been working the last couple of weeks (we'll call that a voluntary temporary hiatus, scheduled to end on July 5), and so we have been spending more than an average amount of time together. This is not incredibly unusual, really, as his job usually has him home before I get home. But, before there had been pockets of time for Heather Time. There hasn't been much lately.

But, tonight he is out with the boys. Sweet Georgia Brown!

Don't misinterpret that I don't like spending time with my husband. I do and generally I prefer large quantities. More is better!

But. When I have Heather Time, I can watch all of the Felicity and Gilmore Girls and whatever other estrogen tv may suit me. I can talk on the phone without having to leave the comfort of my couch because my loud talking interferes with the tv. (Not disputing that this is true, though.) I can drink wine for dinner. Our cats will remember that I live here too and come and talk to me. I can wear pore reducing masks around the house and not have to worry about being green-faced and weirder than usual.

But, best of all, having Heather Time allows me to miss having Scott around. Makes me appreciate him more. Makes me less grouchy. Which is a much-needed development in my personality, I can assure you.

It's important to get your (Insert Your Name Here) Time. It makes you appreciate your The Rest of the Damned World Time. :^)

Melting Pot

So much stirring around in my head tonight that it's tempting to just spew out a bunch of stream of conscious stuff. Not that this isn't what I do already, but I at least try to make it make a little sense to those outside of my head.

Rhetorically speaking (don't write, this is not about you) -- what does one do when one feels like one can no longer rely on one's friends and wants to strike out fresh? Do you stop returning their calls? Gradually stop doing things with them until they get the point? What is the answer? It sounds cliched, but I really do have a friend in this situation. Ready to get out of past friendships, no matter what the cost, and move on. I see this and it's alarming to me. I don't want my friend to be alone and deny these friends. But my friend feels let down by these friends and refuses to just talk to them about it. Would rather just let them go then open those lines. It's hard to watch. I can't talk to my friend about it much -- just hope that we stay friends...

What to do when an old love pops back into your life unexpectedly?? Another friend going through this and called me to "fuss." I really don't have the answer to this, but because it's so easy for me. My past loves are very much my past. If I saw them again, I have no doubt it might be odd but only for the moment. I just love Scott too much, those other people are nothing in comparison. But, she doesn't know how to make the feeling go away. The butterflies are fluttering and it was totally unexpected. I, for once, had no advice. What do you say? I think she feels what she feels because it was unresolved and she's always going to wonder. That's why closure is so important -- it keeps you from passing out in the meat department when you run into your old love 10 years after it's all over.

I've still been friend-dating but it's hard when my friend loves her husband as much as I love mine -- no one wants to venture out solo. But, Jesus -- how the fuck do you ever get to complain about them if you can't get away??

My anniversary is looming and it blows my mind. I cannot believe that we have been married one year and yet, it seems so long already because we have been through so much already...

Father's Day this weekend. I miss my dad a lot. Much more than I ever thought I would. I feel for all of the women that are actually quite close to their dads and have a "regular" relationship with them. Dad and I never had that -- in fact, we were only starting to get close to something approaching one when his health problems started kicking in -- and yet I miss him every day. You just never think you're going to lose one of your parents (how careless, to lose him) when you're in your 30's. After all, my parents were at least in their 50's before their parents started dying. It just doesn't seem right. I should be better prepared.

It's easy to martyr Dad now that he's gone, but I know that he was no saint. In fact, I spent most of my life in opposition to him. We just couldn't see eye to eye. Even towards the end, the last fight we had was about Fox News. He really believed it was fair and unbiased. But, I knew that he loved me even though he couldn't say it and it was nice having that to fall back on.

Happy Father's Day, Bobby Chuck, wherever you are...

2nd post

I get a little vain sometimes about my writing. It's one of the reasons I have always kept some form of journal. Actually, my blog is pretty journally, just a lot more censored. (Can you imagine that this shit is being censored? Not for cuss words, obviously.)

It's just so interesting to me to go back and read things that I wrote a couple of years ago. Sometimes I have a way of voicing how I feel about things that doesn't even seem to come out of me. I certainly don't usually talk the way I write. It feels good to be able to turn a phrase that absolutely captures the meat of what I want to say...

Like this from August of 2003: So, I'm disturbed. I've built an empire on my own voice and my feelings about it and now I'm realizing that this may be a large reason why I'm drifting away from friends and having a hard time developing new friendships. My utter attachment to me and my belief that everything I have to say is completely fascinating. Because, you know what? It's not.

It's kind of sad that I still feel that way. Still can't seem to overcome my own obnoxiousness to get over myself. It's not that I don't like me, it's just that I need to be a little less interested in me and a lot more engaged in other people.

Reminds me of one of my favorite drunken "spats" (if you can even call it that) with the Librarian. We were at a party and there were only a handful of people there that we knew. The group we came with was ready to roll but the Librarian was DEEPLY involved in a conversation with someone at this party and was pretty torqued off that we wanted to just leave. Because Heather, she said to me, she is another human being. She has thoughts and ideas and it's wrong to just walk aways like that doesn't matter.

Dude, it was a party. It was time to party on -- was basically my response.

Anyways, need to get more involved with those human beings and their thoughts and ideas.

What do you think?

Aw shit, I've gone and not posted anything forever again.

Sorry.

Hello? (taps the mic) Hello??

I'm sorry, really.

I've had mental jank going on -- I've been a bit at odds.

I'm getting back together though.

Please come back!

Did you see The Breakfast Club reunion on the MTV Movie awards? I'm afraid it was a bit lamer than I had hoped for, but still nice to recall. The movie's going to lose it's edge though if TBS doesn't stop showing it into ubiquity -- can we get a year off?

Anyways, I'm not gone. I'm around.

I'll post something for you soon. How can I neglect you, you sexy bitches?? ;-)