Randomness

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Did I ever tell you that one of the reasons I love my husband as much as I do is because of my cold feet? Every night, when we climb into bed together I will almost immediately put my cold feet all over him to get them warm. One night, I had the epiphany that he never, EVER complained about this. Not even so much as a "damn, woman!" I realized this was fairly remarkable and complimented. He said that it's because he feels so bad that my feet are cold because it's painful when you're feet are that cold and he just wants to help me.

I mean, that's love people.
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Kinda shocking that Heath Ledger died. We haven't had a young celebrity death in a while, and in fact I had been thinking that just a few weeks ago when River Phoenix happened to cross my mind. It's always shocking when young people die, but when you think about how many young people are dying in Iraq every day -- what's so special about a celebrity that he's excused?

I know, cynical.
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I've been trying to be a better dog mother this year. I'm not very successful, mostly because I have NO patience. I just want to be a good dog mother for an hour a day and then I want to have my own life. But I still want him to adore me.

It's not working out like that.
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I finally decided to rejoin Weight Watchers. I have many mixed feelings about it. I am excited on some levels, but mostly I really feel like I just have failed at maintaining weight loss on my own so there's some shame that goes along with that. I just wish that I had more self-control. But only because I want to be able to fit into my clothes and not for any real, respectable reason. I hope to regain the respectable reason, but mostly I just want to regain the self-respect. I am DEFINITELY losing that. I frequently pepper my conversations with the REAL f*bomb (FAT!) and just generally feel disappointed in myself...

Okay, this isn't a break but really just a skew from the disappointment in myself... I was trying to re-center my disappointment in myself and frame it in more positive light. Instead of focusing on what I have done wrong, I have really been desperately trying to focus on what I am doing right AND what could have gone even more wrong. I could have gained much more weight; I have ironically gained the weight by over-indulging in somewhat healthy foods; I know how to rein it in; and I had a friggin' brain tumor so let's be easy on ourselves, shall we? Also, I have set realistically small goals for myself with my re-entry into Weight Watchers. Anyways, I tried to share this positive spin with my mother at one of our weekly get-togethers and she just basically laughed at me. AND minimized my idea to set realistic weight loss goals, saying that it was just ridiculous.

And here's the thing -- I am 34 years old and I just had the lightning strike tonight and realized that my mother is really not emotionally supportive. Which is, of course, one of the most DUH! moments that anyone can have but it just never really occurred to me to articulate it in that way. Don't get me wrong, she is supportive in her own way and financially has always helped me in any ways that she could always. And when things are good, she's happy for me and proud, I guess. But, she just doesn't do that rah, rah cheerleader thing that you really need your mom for. She definitely doesn't try to minimize my worries -- if anything, she thinks of 20 things to add to what I was worrying about. And if I am struggling with things in my life, like trying to lose weight or quitting smoking she really sucks at those things. Emotionally, that is.

I just can't believe that it never occurred to me that this was the case until now. I feel like so much has cleared up. And again, I'm not saying that I blame her for all of my problems or any of that crap. She had a LOT on her own plate and I really think she did the best she could. But, it just explains why I am as emotionally needy as I am. I always thought it was a daddy issue -- but it's not.

WEIRD!
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And after that Freudian delve, who has time for more randomness? I was saving snippets of stuff to blog about one day but most of them were specific to holidays and other crap and now are not relevant.

If I ever write again, I'd like to talk to you about marriage. What does being married mean to you? Why should people -- especially women for whom it's close to slavery -- do it? Are there more pros than cons? I believe yes, and not just for the romantic reasons -- from a statistical perspective, you're better off being married than single. I'm not sure if this is the case if you just settle, but who knows?

Anyways -- I have to go -- the cycle of routine and drudgery and the slow march towards death awaits...

hugs,
hpl