During the time that I was a student at Virginia Wesleyan from 2007-2010, I took a class on Buddhism from Dr. Steven Emmanuel. One of the short papers we had to write on the class was about meditation. We were supposed to meditate for a period of time. I can't recall how long and somehow that didn't make it into this paper. Which will surprise you given the extreme nature of its rambling. I was reminded once more of this paper during a conversation with my fairy godmother, and I thought you might enjoy it. With minimal interruption from present day, here's the paper. I hope you will be amused by it.
A glimpse into the inside of Heather’s head during meditation (present day interruption: I was definitely blogging at the time and this title was likely inspired by that)
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Wait, I’m supposed to be counting breaths.
One.
Two.
Three. I sure wish I didn’t have a cold. I just can’t breathe out my nose and I’m sure that I’m not supposed to breathe out of my mouth. And I must look ridiculous sitting here with my mouth hanging open. And did I just hear a fly…?
Shoot, I’m not supposed to be thinking…. In…
Wait, I was counting. What number was I on? Oh, I’m supposed to start over if I lose track.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four… This Buddhist thing is really hard. I mean, you wouldn’t think that thinking about nothing would be that hard for me. I used to be blonde. At one point it was even natural. Of course, saying I’m a blonde is just a label and what does that really even mean?
Shoot, lost track again… One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven. Wow, I made it to seven this time. I mean, I know I’m not supposed to notice or anything but it’s just so impressive that I made it to seven. That means that I can maybe even get higher. And how am I supposed to know when the time is up if I’m not supposed to be noticing the outside world? Maybe I should set my internal alarm clock. Okay, I’m really not focusing here.
One, breathe in.
Two, breathe out.
Three, breathe in…
But, maybe it should be one breathe in, one breathe out and like the whole pattern is one and then it starts at two. But at that rate, I may never get past one. I can’t believe that anyone is a Buddhist. Do they even know how hard this is? Okay, of course, they know how hard this is. I just can’t figure out what makes them think it’s a good idea. I’m going to embrace Buddhism so I can do this really hard mental exercise over and over again.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four. This is so hard; it’s like aerobics for my brain. It’s like I have the brain of an eighty year old woman. Not that there aren’t plenty of sharp eighty year old women out there. Who knows, if I get this meditation thing right, I might be one of them.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight. I hope it’s okay to think about the numbers as big and colorful. This really helps me to focus on them, but maybe they’re not supposed to be so interesting. But, making them more interesting slows down the wandering of the mind a little. (Obviously, only a little.)
I thought I remembered reading that it was okay to wander off track, as long as I was aware that I was wandering. I’m not supposed to fight the wandering, just try to get back to where I was. I should imagine the meditation as a path in the woods that I should try to stay on. If I were on an actual path in the woods and I wandered off, it’s natural that I would try to find my way back to the path. But, along the way, I spot a butterfly on a flower and it would feel wrong not to try to appreciate the butterfly first. After all, I would not have seen the butterfly if I had not gone off the path. I would not have discovered and appreciated some of my skew thoughts if I had not veered off the path of meditation. Still, the point is to concentrate. Think about the breathing. Remember to breathe. Sit up straighter. Okay, breathe in, breathe out. More like snork in, snork out. I really should have taken something before I started this. I think that would have made me sleepy though. At least if I were sleepy I may have been able to stay on track though.
One.
Two.
Three. I wish I could remember how many years the Buddhists have been practicing this. How do they stay so focused? Do they have a website with support? And doesn’t that take away from their meditation time. I like the idea of the mindfulness bell, but how does that work again? How long do you stop and think? Is there a second bell to let you know it’s okay to get moving again? Or is it just a reminder to step out and get re-centered? Like the stoplight meditation. Or being qualified to answer the phone. I liked that. I tried that, and that was particularly difficult because I work in a call center. The phone doesn’t really ring, just a beep and someone’s there. There’s really only five seconds to be qualified. It does help though.*
Shoot. One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five. I wonder when that kitchen timer is going to go off. How long have I been sitting here? It’s almost time for dinner. Wonder what we’re going to have. I should have eaten before I started this. Since this is so mentally strenuous, perhaps I’m even burning calories. I’ll be sure to put this into my exercise journal, if I ever start one. I’d probably have to meditate through a meal in order to really make it worthwhile. Maybe I could concentrate with half my brain and let the other half wander.
Who am I kidding? I just recently mastered walking and chewing gum, typing and talking. I don’t think meditation is supposed to be out multi-tasking. In fact, it’s probably the anti-multi-tasking. I really thought this Buddhism thing could be for me, but all of this non-thinking and thinking at the same time are certainly not for me. Not to mention this whole elimination of self. I’m pretty self-centered, so if I were to drop the self, then that would make me… Centered.
Oh. That’s neat.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five. It would be nice to be centered. Balanced, even. I would like to live outside of my own head once in a while. What’s interesting to me is that the practice that is so focused on getting outside of your head also wants you to be inside through meditation. It’s a bit of a paradox, but then there is so much about Buddhism that is like that. It’s not just the heads or tails of the coin and it’s not even the coin itself. It’s just this extraordinary focus on completely being present inside and outside of your head with as much accuracy as you can muster. I think it’s starting to come together now.
One.
Beep.
*The mindfulness bell, stoplight meditation and "being qualified to answer the phone" are references to classroom discussions. I know that the mindfulness bell had something to do with bells that apparently ring at Buddhist monasteries (or whatever they're called) and when they ring, you should stop whatever you're actively doing and just be mindful. I don't remember much beyond that, and I definitely don't remember the specifics of being qualified to answer a call.
Fun trip down memory lane that I think may one day be part of my one-woman show. :)
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