New Year, New me?
Last night I overindulged. This comes as a surprise to no one. Here's what's different. While under the influence, I laid it on the line and said what I thought and made no apologies.
And I still don't regret it. I am really completely tired of putting on the show and trotting out all of the formalities and the pleasantries for people who don't care about me on the same level. It costs too much money to put on the show and it takes too much out of me emotionally. The rejection hits me time and again and I'm just tired.
A lot of it is the pressure to try to live up to the legend of my mom. Part of it is me trying to put on airs. And most of it has been related to my constant need to prop up my self-esteem by showing people what a great show I can put on.
I don't want to put on the show any more. I don't want to be anyone's dancing monkey any more. Yes, I am overly sensitive and whatever, but I don't even care. That's what's so great. I just completely do not give a crap what anyone who doesn't matter thinks anymore. They don't care what I think, they don't care about protecting my feelings or putting me first. I'm not trying to be selfish, I am just saying that I have had enough of being a sycophantic kiss ass to people who don't include me in anything.
The people that care about me care about me unconditionally. They forgive me when I get silly and talk out of my ass too much. They include me in their lives and their plans and I hope they know how much I want to be in their lives.
I learned a lesson last night. I know that I am coming across as bitter and entitled, and I AM sorry for that. But, I have had enough. I have had enough of putting what everyone thinks of me ahead of what I think of me.
I am done being afraid.
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2 comments:
Happy New Year Heather,
First, you and Scott look so good. I am so proud of both of you for taking your health so seriously. I need to do the same thing, as I have gained about 40 pounds since I saw you last. I am not making a resolution either, but I know what I need to do. Second, I know that I gave you a hard time about your puppy, but I am glad that you guys seem to be really involved puppy parents. It is good to see. Now we are both dog people, welcome to my world. If you need any help crate training, or any kind of puppy training at all you know that I have a huge amount of experience. I trained to be a dog trainer on top of working for vets for years. As far as the crate training goes, don't keep your puppy in there locked up while you are home. Give him treats to go inside to prove that this is a good place to be. When he gets older and won't tear things up, you can give him an old pillow that you have laid on to give him a sense that you are there. It is comforting. I have a short paperback I can give you to read if you want. I crate trained several of my own dogs and I trained Jeff's dog, so I think I could help. Third, yes, Jeff and I got engaged December 8th. I didn't think that it would happen, but I am so happy. I know that we haven't talked in a long while, but I am willing to do the work if you are. I miss seeing you. Just be ready to be in the wedding next winter. You introduced us, this is all due to you and I would love for you to be my maid of honor. I couldn't think of anyone that I would want more. Just let me know...Sorry we couldn't make it to your party, I have an infection that is making me really sick. Today is the first day that I have been able to get out of bed in a week. I am glad you are standing up for yourself. You are one of the best people that I have met and I am really glad that I can still get through to you at least by blogging. Take care of yourselves and your puppy. Hopefully, I will talk to you soon...Sorry this is so long. Love, Jess
Don't you love getting older and Wiser? Everyone I talk to who has turned 50 this past year has said that the biggest difference between the 30's and 50 is not giving a damn about what anyone else thinks about YOUR life and choices. I think I was 50 when I was born. Not that I was "I don't care" I was more "Sorry you feel that way you should work on that".
I think when you KNOW what you want it comes and when you don't everything else does...Good luck this year and have fun with the new baby;)
Miss you!
Lori
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