journalling

I was re-reading some old blogs and I came across one of my many "I'm going to give up blogging because I miss journalling" blogs.

Well, I recently came across my old journals and started re-reading those.

Oh my God. I think something about handwriting in a bound book makes me even more self-centered than when I am on the world wide web. As if that were even really possible. But if it were.

The journal I found was from when Scott and I were together the first time. It was the break-up journal. Wow. The melodrama reaches a fever pitch. I'm not saying that I wasn't hurting but I keep re-reading it and I wish I could tell that poor girl that it all worked out. (And that she should have dumped that rebound guy a LOT sooner.) That poor girl just could not believe that she and Scott were really over, even though it could not have been more plain if he had hired a skywriter to tell her.

It's always been so easy for me to be strong when I am trying to help other people get over their own heartbreaks -- it's easy for anyone who is not going through it at the time. It's hard to be sensitive because I have the memory of a goldfish. When I am going through the pain, I am mired in it. I like to wallow in my self-pity until my fingers get all pruney. It feels good to feel bad and it feels better to try to feel worse. But once I snap out of it once and for all, I snap out. There is a part of me that grieves my loss, but it's not a part that takes over me and consumes me.

And I've been through some stuff. And each time I'm badder and better than the last time. I'm stronger or at least wiser...

All right, Charlie's behind me in his self-created den (behind the recliner) and he's discovered he likes the taste of power -- in electrical cords. Gotta go have a chat with my man, so I'm out...

New Year, New me?

Last night I overindulged. This comes as a surprise to no one. Here's what's different. While under the influence, I laid it on the line and said what I thought and made no apologies.

And I still don't regret it. I am really completely tired of putting on the show and trotting out all of the formalities and the pleasantries for people who don't care about me on the same level. It costs too much money to put on the show and it takes too much out of me emotionally. The rejection hits me time and again and I'm just tired.

A lot of it is the pressure to try to live up to the legend of my mom. Part of it is me trying to put on airs. And most of it has been related to my constant need to prop up my self-esteem by showing people what a great show I can put on.

I don't want to put on the show any more. I don't want to be anyone's dancing monkey any more. Yes, I am overly sensitive and whatever, but I don't even care. That's what's so great. I just completely do not give a crap what anyone who doesn't matter thinks anymore. They don't care what I think, they don't care about protecting my feelings or putting me first. I'm not trying to be selfish, I am just saying that I have had enough of being a sycophantic kiss ass to people who don't include me in anything.

The people that care about me care about me unconditionally. They forgive me when I get silly and talk out of my ass too much. They include me in their lives and their plans and I hope they know how much I want to be in their lives.

I learned a lesson last night. I know that I am coming across as bitter and entitled, and I AM sorry for that. But, I have had enough. I have had enough of putting what everyone thinks of me ahead of what I think of me.

I am done being afraid.