Inside Heather's Pandemic

I've been talking to my dear friend Julia far more than I had in a long time.  These things, these little things -- they are the silver linings of the Covid Times.  I think, that is just one of the myriad ways that I am getting through this.  And we talked about writing and ye olde blog and Julia said, you should write about it!

So, here I am.

To start in the middle-ish, I have been in therapy with the same therapist since 2014.  We'll just use her initials, LW.  I had a regular appointment with her at the on-set of the shelter in place orders.  Counseling is considered an essential service, so at that point we were still able to visit in person. It was St Patrick's Day, because I have a knack for making fun drinking holidays more fun by going to see my therapist on them.  We had just gotten our puppy Cash the Saturday before.  It was weird already to go to an in person appointment, and the office knew that and was working with insurance companies to discuss telehealth. Which, long story even longer, was how my next session with her was held.  Several failed technology goofs and frankly just off-topic personal reveling in this remarkably weird time we are all in.  ("these uncertain times" "these trying times") We had a nice chat/session.   My job as an at home call center rep intruded on our last appointment, and here (for those of you still reading, bless your heart!) is the point:  when the receptionist called me to reschedule the missed appointment, because of my history with LW, we had enough of a acquaintanceship to spar over dates.  She started suggesting follow up dates (for the appointment I scheduled on -- fun drinking day! -- May 5) and I responded that I didn't think I needed to schedule that many appointments in a row, that I was okay.  And she just paused and was like, well okay - good for you!  And I was like, yeah - that tracks.  If everyone else is freaking out, then the only way for me to not fit in would be to be okay. 

But,the truth is that I survive this time, because I have been a witness to a disease ravaging a person and taking away hope and tearing down my sanity brick by brick.  My husband had acute pancreatitis in 2018, and I was his sole family caregiver.  It officially started 12/23/17 and wasn't officially over until 7/18/18 when he had his last medical procedure done at Johns Hopkins' campus in DC.  Being on the outside of someone's ravaging illness for that amount of time is the norm for so many people that I can't help but wonder how those survivors are doing now in this?

I can't speak to that.  But my experience as a caregiving survivor of a horrible illness, while it gave me traumatic stress while it was happening -- it had the blessing of coming to an end.  And then, when it was really, really over -- things were the same, and yet they were very different. 

So, you see -- I've done my homework.  I've put in my time.  I know that this will pass and that change will come.  There is a very real chance that I will not like all of the change that comes, but there will also be things that I like that I won't expect.  It's a new day. 

work in progress....