Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Whenever I read my really old blogs, I always feel quite bad about my really new blogs.

I was single then, sorry.

Read the stuff from 2003 -- boy, I could sure turn a phrase back then. Held the phrase in my hand and lovingly nurtured it into something bite size and delicious.

Or 9 course meals when I was feeling verbose, which was apparently quite often then.

Single. Lived alone. Minimal amounts of school work.

Sorry again. Read that crap. It's good!
I find that whenever I have free time that allows me to mess around online, I rarely do anything "productive." I just like surfing around and looking at the same things over and over again.

I go and visit the same blogs and curse when they have not been updated.

I wonder if people curse when they visit my blog because it has not been updated or if there even are any visitors anymore or if I even care.

Sometimes I do care.

Mostly, not as much as I like. I get periodic comments and this gets me motivated to write more, but then I answer the comments and get no response and I give up.

I want to be read but I know that means writing things people want to read and not just writing about wanting people to read this crap.

Lately I have been looking at my butt a lot. I have no idea what this is about but if I am in front of a mirror than is possible to reflect my butt, I will look. I am little upset that my butt looks exactly the same to me as it did some 50 lbs ago.

How is it possible to lose more than 50 pounds and still have such a giant ass?? I just cannot figure this out.

Sometimes people notice that I have lost weight and this makes me feel both proud and incredibly self-concious. People who have noticed or who know that I am working on it feel guilty whenever they are fat around me. As if their fatness somehow offends me. It's very odd. I know that it's because I am doing something and they are not and that makes them feel weird. I wish I could say, "Don't feel weird." The other day at work I was talking to one of the Directors that I like and had not seen in a while and she commented on my weight loss progress as she eyed my Lean Cuisine meal. I tried to direct the conversation towards her recent wedding (a topic far more current and interesting to me) and she summed it up that it was fine and then pointed out her high fat lunch content. And further pointed out a recent physical problem that was keeping her from exercising.

I mean, lady, you are my boss's boss. I think that you are allowed to carry a few pounds. I am no judging, please do not fire me.

This is not an isolated incident but just the most recent that I can recall. But, whenever people see me heading to the gym on my breaks, they will sometimes make comments. Not negative, per se, but more... Self-deprecating, actually. But yet, proud in their self-deprecation.

And I relate to this.

The truth is that I start over every day. I make mistakes and I go nuts eating or drinking like I think it's the "good old days" and try to right myself and I eventually get a little straighter. I have been going to the gym on my breaks, usually 3 times a day, to get in 30 minutes of exercise Monday through Friday and I take the stairs to my car on the third floor of the garage almost faithfully every day and STILL get winded doing it.

I lift weights twice a week to try to shape myself a little. I have a routine that was set up for me by the personal trainer. One exercise is to lift 5 lb dumbells from my shoulders over my head in the shape of a triangle. 2 sets of 15. I have been doing this routine for 2 months and I STILL can barely get through the second set of 15. Five pounds.

It's sad.

I sometimes think that I do all this work and make all these changes and for what? It seems there is so little change.

And then I know that I must be hormonal and I look at my butt again and I look at the 3 pants sizes I have gone down and I try to push forward.

But, don't feel shamed by me and don't feel shamed by yourself. You get ready when you're ready. That's all. If losing weight were easy, it wouldn't be a bilion dollar industry, right?

Anyways, that's my tangent. That's my blog -- for now.

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