I miss blogging. I do. I wish I had the guilt free conscience to just sit and type nonsensical crap for hours ad nauseum as I used to. I actually used to get a little chirrup of a thrill at the thought of something to blog about. I would jot notes on napkins of topics I had come up with and couldn't wait to come and post them. And wait for what my readers had to say.

And wait.

And wait some more.

The thrill is gone. And it's not even so much because I don't get the responses. For a long time it really ceased to be about that at all and became about me and just writing about whatever (almost) I wanted to.

But, now -- when the fuck do I have time for that?

Not because I'm actually doing all of the productive things I am supposed to be doing, but at the very least I think about them damned hard. A lot.

Whatever. Some things I think about though are vain things like how much I wish I could be friends with me. Not necessarily because I think that I am all that but because a lot of people seem to think I am all that and I would like to know what that is about. Am I all that? Am I really as funny as the people at work think I am?? Or have they really not met anyone like me at all?

Scott has this thing about butterflies. Like some people are just so unusual and unique and create such an impression on you that it's akin to a butterfly coming and landing on your nose. Not something that happens every day. And that's why there are people in our lives who think that they are so much closer to us than they really are. Very very few people know me as I really am, beneath the Heather P* show. They think that is me and I LIKE it like that. If you think I am 24/7 sarcastic and balls to the wall out there and crass and straight up no bullshit blunt, then you may be less inclined to waste my time with your melodrama. And that's pretty much the crux of my existence -- avoiding my own and others' melodrama like the plague that it is.

I'm not talking about real life issues in people's lives. I'm talking melodrama. If you don't know the difference, my guess is that you are probably suffering from it.

But, I digress. A LOT. Because there are people that I meet in my daily life who seem constantly amazed at the things that I say. Often, they will repeat them back to me at later times and I don't even remember saying what I said. Which is really sad because then I am laughing at my own jokes not even knowing they are mine.

I just want to be around me as an observer for one day to really know what it's like on the OUTSIDE of Heathers Head.