Hey you guys I remembered I have a blog again!

It's like Groundhog Day -- I feel like I'm finally breaking free of the spell, but it starts out weirdly reminiscent of how the curse began....   Until you realize that the world outside is different and that you really do have ALL of the chances you thought you'd lost.

Surviving traumatic life events.  It's something I'm getting to be kind of good at.  To the point where I am SERIOUSLY not fun at parties, but somehow in a "she was totally fun!" kind of way.  2018 really underscored my ability to survive and grow and adapt as a person.

And the one thing I know is -- you absolutely cannot teach this skill to people, because in order to have it you have to go through your own trauma.  "Wisdom is not communicable."  It's still fun, though, feeling all of the pieces of the lessons that other people TRIED to teach to me fall into place.

We were at our favorite New Year's Party, and I fell into the Narcissistic Well of The Story of 2018.  I regret that, and I don't at the same time.  I saw people I hadn't seen in a long time who seemed genuinely interested in hearing about my/our year and frank -- there just isn't a SHORT version of 2018 to sharely
We started in a dark and dreary and cold place.  The city was covered in snow and ice and cabin fever was already at a fever pitch (my timehop shows jokes about The Shining and admitting I have never actually SEEN The Shining).  But the pain and discomfort and lack of sleep that my husband was experiencing was what amplified the intensity of that cabin fever and what set the year on its journey of medical drama and trauma... 

Which you can read about whenever my book finally comes out.  :)

Love this time of year when it's coupled with good weather.  I know we have no control over those weather cycles, so I just try to lean into how happy the nice weather makes me feel and jam out.

My personal theme for 2019 is come and get your love!  I love that song and truly -- it's how I'm embracing 2019.  I'm ready to start sprucing up this old Lee Family Estate (and maybe share some of that on this here dusty old blog) and doing some kooky stuff.  I'm auditioning for a play in about a week  -- it'll be nerve-wracking fun.

But FUN!  <3 p="">

Hey, hey you guys! I remember I have a blog!

Cool!  Cool!  What's more retro?  Going back to blogging or trying to bring back My Space?  I'm asking for a friend.

So, I'm totally bored and texting everyone I know and annoying them on their social media feeds and creating group texts within texting groups.  I mean.  I am BORED. 

And then, like the memory of this adorable baby panda that Adam Jones posted once upon a time, I remember I have THIS BLOG.  Ahhhh...  Remember this blog?  Where I told you awkward stories about my life and tried to make you pay attention to me.

And you did!!  You loved me.  You told me so yourselves.  So, here we go again.  Let's give it a try.

Trying to start blogging again is like trying to start exercising again, but if you want to re-live THAT show it's on a blog we call Inside Heather's Fat  (If this link doesn't work, let me know so I can update privacy settings.)

So... we've been snowed in since I can't remember when.  Finally binged in separate directions yesterday.  I've been itching to work on the room over the garage anyway, and it's much warmer up there.  So, started watching Chance on Hulu while poking around in the room over the garage (the room formerly known as, in no particular order: the lab and Gracie's room and the second den and the air bnb apartment).  This is seriously it's own blog topic, so suffice to say I'm sorting out the junk that's up there.  Mostly so I can more concisely store the same junk but at least with more purpose than before. (See also:  I just can't bring myself to throw this stuff out, but at least I can look at it from time to time and TRY to get rid of it or reduce it.)

So...  Chance!  Those of you who remember how much we loved House will find it of no surprise that the main reason I landed on this show is because it stars Hugh Laurie.  But, also chewing up the scenery (in DELIGHTFUL fashion) are Ethan Suplee, Gretchen Mol, and Paul Adelstein in this delicious send up to film noir.

I hadn't read anything about it or even heard about it and I have NO idea why since there are apparently two seasons out there.  Shame on whoever is in charge of marketing for this show.  It is great stuff.  Ethan Suplee's character "D" is just this divine Marvelescent superhero/vigilante dude who spews philosophy and punches at the same speed.  He loves riddles and has rules on how to tail your target.  He is DIVINE.  Is he nominated for anything?

I should write like a normal reviewer and build up to Hugh Laurie as the big finish on this awesome cast, but really - I just can't wait that long to gush.  He's just divine. So House and yet NOT House at the same time.  That's the Hugh Laurie je ne sais quo that he brings to his pieces.  To me, he's as good as Clooney -- if not better.  Because while you can see Hugh Laurie in the role, you still can't see anyone else playing the parts he chooses.  Dr Eldon Chance is so clearly the befuddled typical private eye from Raymond Chandler films that he even uses the phrase to mock himself.  (You can hear the writers in that, for sure.  But then again, apparently the novel on which the series is written is written in part with the author, so that's an EXCELLENT touch.  Let's give him some love on Amazon, eh?)

Baddy bad Paul Adelstein tries to shake his good guy image from previous roles once and for all.  I think beating up a chick is a pretty good decision if you want to be considered for bad guy roles in this day and age in Hollywood.  And he does a great job at being a nasty, crooked cop.  I'm up to episode 6 and still he's a caricature of the kind of guy who would be like this.  And what kind of monster could beat up on poor, sweet, uh multiple personality, somewhat manipulative... uh...  Hmmm...

Yeah.  Gretchen Mol.  She is THE quintessential damsel in distress from an old film noir.  I can't almost hear the narrator, "She was the kind of dame that trouble didn't have to go looking far to find, if you know what I mean?"  And as previously stated, I'm about halfway through episode 6 (The Unflinching Spark -- and they ALL have great titles like this!) and I just do NOT trust this chick. Mostly because years of watching film noir teaches you that the dames are NOT to be trusted.  There IS in fact a reason that trouble follows them around -- Trouble is a pet that they carry around on a velvet pillow and feed bon bons too.  So, I'm not going to say much, because the jury is still out on Jaclyn Blackstone.  But, I'll tell you one thing - I can't imagine that Hugh Laurie would go quite this nutty for an UGLY girl.  I know that's wrong, but I'm just saying.

Back to the popcorn, bingeing and the long cold first wintry weekend of 2018.

Politics, as usual

http://m.startribune.com/warren-violates-arcane-rule-sparking-senate-dustup/413103973/

Just to be clear, the Senate invoked a seldom used rule to silence a female Democrat in an objection to her objection to a pending nominee for Secratary of State. I think it's a little too early to have to wake up to this mess. But this seems to be the case daily. It's always too early to deal with a misogynistic response to someone pointing out racism. 

Here's another article, which also contains the  letter. 

The Not-so-amazing after all story generator

Because of the positive results I received regarding my writing aptitude, I have really been pushed towards exercising this muscle more again.  It prompted me to purchase a book called "The Amazing Story Generator," an example of one is pictured.   I thought that I could periodically flip to one, share the photo, and then write the very first steam of consciousness story that, well, gets generated.   I'm all set to do this starting immediately, and even came up with a formula to generate the randomness.  (Is it random if there's a formula?)
But this is the first story that generated and I'm already feeling like a failure.  In case there's an issue with the photo, the story idea is "After a bitter custody battle, a gold prospector meets the ghost of Ernest Hemingway."
I don't know anything about custody battles -- my parents made the mistake of staying together and I've never remembered to have children.  (Yes, I know that's okay - thanks,)  But I did see Kramer vs Kramer a long time ago and read "It's Not the End of The World" by Judy Blume, so maybe I can understand some custody battle stuff.  Like, I certainly get that it would be bitter.  I also don't know much about gold prospecting, nor do I care.  I've never understood how one could look at hills and decide if those are the "them thar hills" which house the gold.  And what does water have to do with gold?  If it's just floating in the river, then why can't anyone get it?  And then there's Ernest Hemingway.  Oh, Papa.  I read The Sun Also Rises in high school, though I didn't retain much of it.  Most of what I know about Papa is that his nickname was Papa, he was a big old drunk, had a lot of cats and didn't treat his first wife terribly well.  That last bit only surmised from having read The Paris Wife, which was loosely based on the true story of his first wife.

So, I might have to not be so rigid with only writing about the very first one that pops up, but perhaps one that may speak to me a scosh more.  And clearly, this may not be the very best blog topic since I didn't even get a story for your reading pleasure.  Plus, any story generated is probably going to be much longer than your attention span will allow.  But, perhaps I am misjudging your attention span, dear reader.

Tonight, I head to a local Democratic National Convention chapter meeting and sign up.  I assume I'll have something political to write about after that.  Or at the very least, something about awkward social encounters.  We'll see how it goes!

Later!

Heather

Johnson O'Connor

Alina Myers, Kelsey Burke and me at Johnson O'Connor Research Foundation

As mentioned on Deactivation Day 1, I spent a few days in DC last week at the Johnson O'Connor Research Foundation undergoing aptitude testing.  These are the two women who have the awesome job of being aptitude testers and researchers and who were gracious (and amused) enough to take a selfie with me.  As I said in the previous test, I wasn't blowing any aptitudes off the charts, but I do have some strengths.  The two I can't stop obsessing over are ideaphoria and foresight.  Basically, I have an aptitude for coming up with a lot of ideas coupled with an aptitude for being able to see the big picture.  Which means all of those times that I threw big batches of ideas for how to improve my old department, I may have actually been within my wheelhouse.  Except no one would listen.  (Little fish, giant ocean.)  I got the results of my tests from Alina, and she encouraged me to pursue careers where I could possibly focus on one issue and coming up with solutions for it.  (World peace -- go!)

I'm not really sure what THAT looks like, but I like that a renewed focus on blogging gives me at least one outlet for this aptitude.  (PLUS, I finally figured out how to get some photos in here, so there will be a little bit more of a visual break.  Yay!)

It is hard to explain to people what the aptitude testing is and why I wanted to do it.  To be honest, it didn't really tell me anything that I didn't already know about myself to some extent -- particularly the things I lack an aptitude for.  (There is something called Memory for Design which basically directly explains why I cannot remember directions to save my life.)  It helped me to confirm that the things I have always wanted to do and strived to do are within my wheelhouse and why I am interested in doing them. It helped me embrace my strengths and forgive myself for the things I don't excel in.  

If you have the financial ability to send your children to do this, I HIGHLY encourage this. Sometime in high school is most ideal, but even in the first year of college.  It's going to help them get pointed in a direction of a career where they will likely feel fulfilled, and isn't that what it's all about?

Off to watch the second half of the stupid bowl --

Heather

  

Untangling schwannomas

I have said repeatedly that I am breaking up with Facebook.  I'm going dark.  It's not you, it's me.  I even got a column published about this in The Princess Anne Independent News.  (Note, the article isn't there yet.)  But, the day I thought I had deactivated everything, I didn't.  Unbeknownst to me, I had a dangling chad keeping it from closing.  Ironically, that was a page I created for this blog so I could publish it there separate from my personal page.  Turns out, you can't have a website page without a personal page.  Ay caramba.  But, I delete that and then I deactivate!  As I'm deactivating, I notice that it says I can keep Messenger.  Cool, the people I talk to over Messenger (I'm looking at you Jersey Jert) will be happy to be able to stay in touch.  So, this morning I re-install Messenger and, again, unbeknownst to me, this actually re-activates my Facebook.  Again.  I read the fine print which says that people will still see you have a page and can contact you.  Well, I can't ghost Facebook if it still thinks I'm lurking around.

Breaking up with Facebook may actually be harder than divorcing my first husband.  And I had to do that through a little known law called divorce by publication.

Let me digress a moment...  You know I have a tumor condition that caused my hearing loss.  (There are old posts about it here and here.)  The tumors are called schwannomas and they are sticky and wrap themselves around nerves.  That's Facebook.  It's wrapped around every aspect of my life.

I knew that it was heavily entangled and I knew I was heavily entrenched.  But even I have failed to realize just how much.  During the days that I have been off, I have wanted to log in and see what's going on.  To share one-off thoughts I've had.  To share and react to news stories I had read.  To see the latest event invites.  To see baby photos.  Puppy photos.  Kitten photos.  Any more Biden memes left?

Have you ever broken up with someone and mooned over old photos and emails?  Yeah, uh, me neither.  But I hear that's what some people do and this is how it feels.  Only with 450 of my closest friends.  I broke up with 450 people.

Maybe that's why it's taking so long.  Maybe that's why it's so tangled.

I'm not sure how long I'm going to keep this up.  But it's kind of a fun experiment in self-torture.

hugs for now,
Heather

A THOUGHT FOR TODAY

We have come to a point where it is loyalty to resist, and treason to submit. -Carl Schurz, revolutionary, statesman, and reformer (1829-1906) 

This all happened in ONE DAY. And the day isn’t over yet. pic.twitter.com/tOjEoH3JE6

— Jeff Mueller (@jeffmueller) February 1, 2017

I was talking to Scott on the phone tonight and he thought it was nice that Trump went and visited the family of the fallen soldier.  It is, it was.  If only it wasn't surrounded by all of this other shit.  And I guess this was tweeted before the leaked draft of “Establishing a Government-Wide Initiative to Respect Religious Freedom,”

This is exhausting.  

I just cannot understand how we live in a country that is so okay with stripping away so many people's freedoms.  It hurts my heart.  It's why I have such a hard time being okay with Trump supporters.  Republicans generically, I guess that's fine. I say because I want to believe that I understand your ideology.  But I don't.  I really don't.  
I'm not a Christian.  I'm not an atheist though.  I believe that there is a higher power or something greater than us, but I don't think It cares about us or is involved in our daily lives.  I don't even think it is a Being.  But the Universe didn't just "happen", there's some reason behind all of this.  I believe that.  But does that transcend into life after death?  No.  Not that I believe, but I do not know.  I cannot know.  They tell me that's a faith thing....

But here's the thing.  There are all kinds of different "faith things."  And every single one of those faith things thinks that their thing is The Thing.  Even within those faiths, there are different flavors of that faith that think their flavor of that faith is The Flavor.  If there is One Answer and One God, then how do you know its yours?  That faith thing, right?  Well, why is your god that you have YOUR faith in better than that guy's god or that other guy's god?  How do you know you have the right answer?  (From South Park -- "the correct answer was Mormon")

Now we have Donny taking away people's religious freedom.  We already knew he wanted to do that.  He said it on the campaign trail.  First he wants to ban as many Muslims from coming in to the country as he can.  Who knows what happens next?  History teaches us that it's not going to stop there.

Why am I fired up about this too when I don't even practice a religion?  Well, it is precisely because I do not practice a religion.  Maybe they come for all non-Christians next.  And the irony that there were Christians who came to this country fleeing religious persecution because THEIR flavor of Christianity wasn't in line with the popular flavor in the 1600 and 1700s should not be lost.  

Exhausted by all of this, people.  Exhausted.

Heather

Challenges of returning to blogging

     The thing I liked about Facebook is that every time I thought of something, I could post it and get your reactions.  I don't miss the reactions completely (I know you love me, why wouldn't you?) -- but I DO miss the immediacy of posting.  Even if it something quick that I am going to expound on later.  That option is now gone, especially since Google did away with the Blogger app.  Or at least the one for iPhone.  Apparently there are some other apps out there to try to close the gap, but there aren't many and they are not well rated.  I'm not sure if this means I will have to change blog platforms or what.  At this point, my plan is just to write and see if I even get into the habit of doing it daily before I go and export to other blogs or start over or whatever.  If I just drift off into non-writing again, then the point is moot, right?
     But, this also means that it is EXTREMELY difficult to upload photos here.  The photo link pulls from some obscure folder on my computer and I'm not quite savvy enough to figure out how to update all of that.  PLUS, again, I'm not sure how diligent of a writer I'm going to be, so why try to solve problems that may not even matter?
    Also, content.  You'll be shocked to note that I will likely be mostly left-leaning political.  That's just how I take my coffee, kids.  I don't want to get into Twitter feuds or whatever over the things I believe.  But -- I also don't want all of my content to just be straight up, "I'm so scared..." all of the time.  This is serving no purpose and why I felt compelled to leave.  (Although, I am actually so scared all of the time.)  Should I focus on just one issue that's important to me?  That's one of the pieces of advice you hear about how to keep your resistance up.
     Here's the thing...  I think I need to hear the news read from a deadpan announcer flat.  Just hear the bare facts of what happened that day and then try not to read it anywhere else or watch anything else.  Because, I am trying to wrap my brain around THIS idea:  When President Obama was first elected in 2008, this is how the other side felt. I do not believe it was to this extreme, because -- again -- he had the 4th highest approval rating of any president since they started rating these things on Inauguration Day.  Trump not-so-much.  So, perhaps the right wasn't quite so in fear of democracy being destroyed.  I mean, eventually they still had their way in doing everything they could to destroy it once they re-gained control of the Congress in 2010 but before that.  Was every news article they read about his first 100 Days just another cause for them to tear their hair and howl at the moon?  Did they really and truly believe that a free democracy would be completely undone by giving everyone healthcare?
     Or was it later -- was it the gays that upset them so much??  That has to be it.  They couldn't stand the idea of people who are gay being allowed to get married.  But then, that happened and the world didn't end.
    Maybe some of you are going to comment and tell me what it is about Democrats that bugs you so much.  Maybe you're not.  I know we have a reputation for big government and taxing and spending.  But, for all you know, that reputation could just be alternate facts.  I am a democrat for social reasons.  Until everyone is treated equally and it's the law that is practiced and just understood to be the right thing to do, then I'm going to continue to be a Democrat.  I am not sure why people care so much where someone wants to pee that they have to pass bills about it, but okay.  Let's figure this out. out.  If you are so afraid that someone could dress up like a woman just so they could go into a bathroom and molest a kid, then you should probably not let your kids go into bathrooms unattended.  Because that could happen now.  You're in luck - child molestation is SUPER illegal, so let's take that person down and leave the trans person alone to pee, k?
     I have said this again and again and again, if you do not believe in abortion, then do not get one.  Do not do that.  Keep all of your pregnancies and I hope that they turn into babies for you, I truly do.  I would NEVER force you to get an abortion.  But why do you care if someone else gets one?  Any woman who has struggled with infertility can tell you that not all fetuses turn into babies.  And there are plenty of women who have babies that they don't want and can't afford, and then you want to shame her for needing public assistance.  Oh, she shouldn't have "gotten herself pregnant" Senator?  Did she just magically do that on her own then?  Birth control is the sole responsibility of the woman, is it?  Then how come you don't want women to get access to free birth control?  You don't want her to get rid of an unwanted pregnancy, you don't want to help her prevent one AND you don't want to help pay for any of the astronomical costs of raising a child?  Yeah.  I'm gonna need you to explain to me about how this is pro life and not just pro getting all up in a woman's business.


Whew.  Okay.  I think I answered the content question.  And realized I'm starving....   Off to explore outside of my hotel...

Deactivation Day 1

There is a specific reason I chose February 1 as the deactivation day.  Actually, there are several.

When my mother was in end stages, February 1 was the day she officially decided to start taking small amounts of morphine to ease her pain and help her die.  It was the beginning of the end.  But, it was also the beginning of the phase of my life that most of us eventually must enter.  The one where we are the ones left without someone standing between us and death.  We have no parents anymore.  We are the end of the road.
      Yes, I know.  That sounds like a doomsday reason for a date selection.  It's not the only one.  Like I could ever just have ONE reason to do anything.  But, it is a date of some significance to me for that reason.
     February 1 (today) is also the first of a mini-break that is completely Heather-centric.  I am writing this from a hotel room in DC because I am here doing aptitude testing.  It's done by a research company that has been around forever called the Johnson O'Connor Research Foundation.  Years ago, my husband Scott did this testing and has mentioned it more than once through the years.  I always thought it was so fascinating how puzzles and games and problems could somehow tell you what you were going to be good at doing -- what you have an aptitude for.  But futher, I thought it was interesting that he did it so long ago and yet still remembered the information he received and how it could see it playing out in his current career.  I have always wanted to do this.  And now, my career is at a turning point.  The job that I current hold will no longer be around as that "department"* is closing.  I am being given several options regarding my future, and they are all generous.  I am trying to decide if I should stay or if I should go, in a nutshell.
     So, when it was announced that the department was closing, shortly after Scott and I were having Mexican at one of our favorite places and I opined that I wish I could take that aptitude testing that he took so long ago to figure out just what the heck I would actually be good at.  He pulled out his phone, beep boop bip and found this site in DC.  Through the magic of work scheduling and the benevolence of a fairy godmother, I have scheduled this testing and just completed day one.
    I won't go into the gory details of each test, but let's just say that I'm not blowing away any measure.  My researcher isn't pulling anyone from other rooms so they can study and observe my extreme magical prowess.  She's just constantly reminding me that there's no right or wrong, no good or bad.  We are who we are.  Yeah.  That's great and all, but I'm Heather Fucking Lee.  I need to be a rock star at something.  Can we just go ahead and find that please?  Thanks.
     And so -- the date was a good choice because I was going to be driving up here and then doing the testing....  Except, now I want to go on Facebook and reach out to friends for recommendations and nightlife and blah blah.  I want to read the daily rants and raves.  I want to tell everyone about this test and that they should schedule it for their kids.
     I didn't go cold turkey social media.  I still have an Instagram.  I still have a Twitter (though I only use that during Big Brother and during Presidential debates).  But those don't seem to be quite the time-suck that Facebook was.  I have slowly started adding some news apps to review, though I can't stay in them too long without feeling my blood pressure go up.
     Still.  I deactivated and I did not die.  I am still here.  As Jerseyjert reminded me, I had a life before Facebook.  (What she fails to remember is that she was probably one of the most instrumental in getting me ON Facebook in the first place, but that's another blog.)  I am progressing.  I am even getting an article posted about this leap in (shamless plug) The Princess Anne Independent News.
   
Breaking into two posts,

Heather 




*(I do not like to discuss the specifics of my career here to keep my personal and professional life as separate as possible, particularly given the nature of my current employer.  Please note -- if you make a comment which mentions my company by name, it will be deleted.)

Pending countdown to deactivation.

I'm concerned about missing my friends. I will definitely miss events posted that don't get posted elsewhere. I have some trips coming up and not Facebooking it all seems weird. So, yes, I'm having second thoughts. I wouldn't be me if I weren't.
But when I say I need a break, I do.

I'm tired of reading the word "whiner" about how my friends and I are reacting to the actions of theP President.

Look, we are not whining -- we are angry. Women do not collectively march in Washington and cities across the country and globe because we are whining. We are angry. We are PISSED OFF.
Trump basically holding an entire religion responsible for its radical component and blocking them from coming into the country is scary. Everyone should think that is scary. Because he's doing it to make us afraid. This country was literally founded by people who were escaping religious persecution. (Who stole that land from ITS native people, so maybe that's what the real "fear" is.) But, shame. Shame on you for being scared. Go to a google box and search for pictures of Syria an explain to me where those people are going to go? What home do they have to go back to, exactly?

He's arguing over the election results because the popular election doesn't agree with how big of a win he wanted to get? Therefore saying that the results have to be due to illegal voting? Are you kidding me? There will be NO illegal voting found, but this will be a way to restrict more brown people from voting.

Here's the thing. Anyone who doesn't agree with me politically never clicked to read this and if they did, they long since closed it... But... Just in case you are still here. Let me ask you this -- why, why, why would anyone repeatedly tell you that the media is lying, reprehensible, deplorable, and on and on unless they want to be the only one from whom you receive information? If a free press is not going to be allowed to share and report on and investigate statements claimed as facts, then how will you know that information you are being given is true? Shouldn't you look elsewhere?

Earlier today, a friend clarified a post that I made that was presented as fact about what happened to the whitehouse.gov website after Obama left. I felt shame in that. And I was glad that it wasn't stripped by the incoming administration, but as a matter of changing of the guard.

I wrote an fairly tame article for a local paper about a friend's participation in the march. She changed her mind about letting it be published over fears of attacks, persecution and more. Because she protested. In America. Because these are the times we live in. Women who march to protest are called crybabies because other women don't respect that less than 100 years ago we didn't even have the right to vote.

So. Am I anxious about leaving Facebook? Yeah. I'm going to miss a lot. I probably won't stay away that long. But I want to stay away long enough to write HERE again. To share stories with you. To share my anger with you. To do what I can for my beliefs as well as my own life.
Let me know you're reading, if you can. When I come back to Facebook, I'm already working on setting up a page for the blog and I'll house everything there. I won't be purely political here, either. But that IS my passion, so expect that to be the main focus.

That's all -- for now.

Flashback to a Philosophical time

During the time that I was a student at Virginia Wesleyan from 2007-2010, I took a class on Buddhism from Dr. Steven Emmanuel.  One of the short papers we had to write on the class was about meditation.  We were supposed to meditate for a period of time.  I can't recall how long and somehow that didn't make it into this paper. Which will surprise you given the extreme nature of its rambling.  I was reminded once more of this paper during a conversation with my fairy godmother, and I thought you might enjoy it.  With minimal interruption from present day, here's the paper.  I hope you will be amused by it.  

A glimpse into the inside of Heather’s head during meditation (present day interruption:  I was definitely blogging at the time and this title was likely inspired by that)

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Wait, I’m supposed to be counting breaths.

One.

Two.

Three.    I sure wish I didn’t have a cold.  I just can’t breathe out my nose and I’m sure that I’m not supposed to breathe out of my mouth.  And I must look ridiculous sitting here with my mouth hanging open.  And did I just hear a fly…?

Shoot, I’m not supposed to be thinking…. In…

Wait, I was counting.  What number was I on?  Oh, I’m supposed to start over if I lose track.  

One.

Two.

Three.

Four…  This Buddhist thing is really hard.  I mean, you wouldn’t think that thinking about nothing would be that hard for me.  I used to be blonde.  At one point it was even natural.  Of course, saying I’m a blonde is just a label and what does that really even mean?  

Shoot, lost track again…  One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.   Wow, I made it to seven this time.  I mean, I know I’m not supposed to notice or anything but it’s just so impressive that I made it to seven.  That means that I can maybe even get higher.  And how am I supposed to know when the time is up if I’m not supposed to be noticing the outside world?  Maybe I should set my internal alarm clock.  Okay, I’m really not focusing here.

One, breathe in.

Two, breathe out.

Three, breathe in…  

But, maybe it should be one breathe in, one breathe out and like the whole pattern is one and then it starts at two.  But at that rate, I may never get past one.  I can’t believe that anyone is a Buddhist.  Do they even know how hard this is?  Okay, of course, they know how hard this is.  I just can’t figure out what makes them think it’s a good idea.  I’m going to embrace Buddhism so I can do this really hard mental exercise over and over again.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.  This is so hard; it’s like aerobics for my brain. It’s like I have the brain of an eighty year old woman.  Not that there aren’t plenty of sharp eighty year old women out there.  Who knows, if I get this meditation thing right, I might be one of them.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.  I hope it’s okay to think about the numbers as big and colorful.  This really helps me to focus on them, but maybe they’re not supposed to be so interesting.  But, making them more interesting slows down the wandering of the mind a little.  (Obviously, only a little.) 

I thought I remembered reading that it was okay to wander off track, as long as I was aware that I was wandering.  I’m not supposed to fight the wandering, just try to get back to where I was.  I should imagine the meditation as a path in the woods that I should try to stay on.  If I were on an actual path in the woods and I wandered off, it’s natural that I would try to find my way back to the path.  But, along the way, I spot a butterfly on a flower and it would feel wrong not to try to appreciate the butterfly first.  After all, I would not have seen the butterfly if I had not gone off the path.  I would not have discovered and appreciated some of my skew thoughts if I had not veered off the path of meditation.  Still, the point is to concentrate.  Think about the breathing.  Remember to breathe.  Sit up straighter.  Okay, breathe in, breathe out.  More like snork in, snork out.  I really should have taken something before I started this.  I think that would have made me sleepy though.  At least if I were sleepy I may have been able to stay on track though.

One.

Two.

Three.  I wish I could remember how many years the Buddhists have been practicing this.  How do they stay so focused?  Do they have a website with support?  And doesn’t that take away from their meditation time.  I like the idea of the mindfulness bell, but how does that work again?  How long do you stop and think?  Is there a second bell to let you know it’s okay to get moving again?  Or is it just a reminder to step out and get re-centered?  Like the stoplight meditation.  Or being qualified to answer the phone.  I liked that.  I tried that, and that was particularly difficult because I work in a call center.  The phone doesn’t really ring, just a beep and someone’s there.  There’s really only five seconds to be qualified.  It does help though.*

Shoot.  One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.  I wonder when that kitchen timer is going to go off.  How long have I been sitting here?  It’s almost time for dinner.  Wonder what we’re going to have.  I should have eaten before I started this.  Since this is so mentally strenuous, perhaps I’m even burning calories.  I’ll be sure to put this into my exercise journal, if I ever start one.  I’d probably have to meditate through a meal in order to really make it worthwhile.  Maybe I could concentrate with half my brain and let the other half wander.  

Who am I kidding?  I just recently mastered walking and chewing gum, typing and talking.  I don’t think meditation is supposed to be out multi-tasking.  In fact, it’s probably the anti-multi-tasking.  I really thought this Buddhism thing could be for me, but all of this non-thinking and thinking at the same time are certainly not for me.  Not to mention this whole elimination of self.  I’m pretty self-centered, so if I were to drop the self, then that would make me… Centered.

Oh.  That’s neat.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.  It would be nice to be centered.  Balanced, even.  I would like to live outside of my own head once in a while.  What’s interesting to me is that the practice that is so focused on getting outside of your head also wants you to be inside through meditation.  It’s a bit of a paradox, but then there is so much about Buddhism that is like that.  It’s not just the heads or tails of the coin and it’s not even the coin itself.  It’s just this extraordinary focus on completely being present inside and outside of your head with as much accuracy as you can muster.  I think it’s starting to come together now.

One.

Beep.

*The mindfulness bell, stoplight meditation and "being qualified to answer the phone" are references to classroom discussions.  I know that the mindfulness bell had something to do with bells that apparently ring at Buddhist monasteries (or whatever they're called) and when they ring, you should stop whatever you're actively doing and just be mindful.  I don't remember much beyond that, and I definitely don't remember the specifics of being qualified to answer a call.

Fun trip down memory lane that I think may one day be part of my one-woman show.  :)

Let's Unpack This Mess

One of the current buzzwords in corporate speak is "let's unpack this."  I'm not sure what the exact corporate to English definition is, but in emotional baggage speak it's pretty obvious.  Let's get the election souvenirs out of these bags and then examine them.

That's kind of where I am with the president-elect situation.

1) First souvenir out of the bag is my loss of mojo....

I follow the Pantsuit Nation and am in awe of the amazing women who are ready to stand tall, band together, kick ass and take names.  They're educating themselves, planning rallies and basically trying to save the world.  I am in awe because they are the definition of awe-inspiring.  I hope I do not offend too greatly when I say I wish that they had had this momentum a few months ago, but honestly -- that's part of the unpacking.  I didn't have this momentum either.

Part of why I lost the momentum -- or maybe never had it -- is because of the echo chamber of Facebook.  It's all many of us have talked about since this was over.  We're friends with like-minded people, we block and/or unfriend people who don't agree with us.  Because, as one friend eloquently phrased it, you cannot "change a mind made of concrete."  But, I just didn't think I was dealing with so many people who were also in echo chambers.  Completely different echo chambers.  Chambers echoing that a country run by a misogynist, racist, homophobic, xenobic, lying liar was somehow better off than one run by a woman, a qualified and yet flawed woman, but a woman nonetheless. Echo chambers that believe that we're somehow going to be okay as women's rights and gay rights and Muslim rights and black rights slowly get more and more stripped away.  I know you didn't either you.  You thought our truth was THE truth.  But, even within that, you're probably now being inundated with stories about how fake news stories contributed to our current state of affairs.  People sharing stories ad nauseum that are completely false because they like the fake headlines and maybe didn't even read the actual article and certainly didn't fact check them.  The statistics have been done and shown that while there were far more of them done on the right than on the left, they were still done by the left.  It's not RIGHT for anyone to do it, but that can't be stopped anymore than the ubiquitous spam emails promising you instant weight loss if you just send your bank account to that poor little prince in Persia.

In order to get this unwieldy souvenir out of my bag, I have to stop denying that its a problem I possess.  I can't promise I'm going to be any better about getting my "news" from the Facebook, but I promise I will be more vigilant in verifying the stories I read, fact-checking them through Snopes, ProPublica and Politifact.  I will stay more in touch with my own local news -- especially through my favorite super local source The Princess Anne Independent News (even if J-H Doucette has kicked my ass in poker more than once).  I am unpacking my own deliberate head-in-the-sand attitude and if I come across fake stories, I will do what I can to quash them and dispel them.

2) There will be many, many more posts about this if I can manage to keep writing, but we gotta keep talking about white privilege

I'm not going to sugarcoat this.  If you are a white person, you have privilege.  If you think that means you had it easy or you never had to struggle, then you don't fucking understand what privilege is and you need to check yourself.  If you care enough to educate yourself, this is my favorite essay on the topic. I have yet to have a conversation with someone about white privilege who doesn't understand it and suddenly change their mind, but I continue to hope that there are people out there who can be taught.  Having privilege doesn't mean that you don't have to be worried or scared about the pending changes with our new administration, it just means that the reality is you don't have to be AS scared.  White people who deny their privilege like to say that they have had to work hard for everything they have and they are "tired" of hearing people of color (whom they also rarely refer to as people of color) use their skin color as an "excuse" for not getting what they want or for the world being messed up.  I think those people are lost.  I think those people are never going to "get it."  They don't understand even the basic matter of not being able to buy a "flesh-colored" ANYTHING that doesn't remotely look like THEIR flesh and then translate that into how that is just ONE example of what "privilege" means.

I feel awful that I lost sight of this issue.  That part of the rage so many Americans felt was over their inherent racism over our current administration.  (See also:  evil, awful woman who called our current First Lady an ape and then denied that she meant anything racist about it.  HUH?)

I'll leave it like this for now, because again -- if I can keep up writing (see also - don't want to lose my my mojo), I know I will write about white privilege again.  It's something I feel particularly passionately about.

3) While I have a lot more in my emotional baggage, this is the hardest one for me to deal with right now. My constant anxiety about the future.  It's always there now, gnawing away of my guts.  You know that feeling that you have when you go on a road trip and you think you left the stove on or forgot something important at home?  It's like that.  It's not a crushing anxiety, it's like test anxiety.  Because, that's what I really feel like this is, friends.  I feel like I'm about to be tested and I fear -- greatly -- that I will be found lacking.

I'm not a marcher or a protester.  I'm obviously no great essayist poised to write about and undergo a movement.  I don't have a great memory for facts and figures in the face of finger-pointing arguments.  In short, I do not feel up to this challenge. And yet, I can't see myself backing down either.  Because just doing nothing doesn't feel like an option anymore.  So, even if it's small things like calling my elected officials or starting my blog back up or sharing this YouTube post from a 14-year-old boy who understands that this dude shouldn't be president of ANYTHING, I'm going to keep doing whatever I can to keep my own little protests going...


 

Thanks for reading -- love to you all!

Inspired by John Oliver -- day 6

While I have always loved John Oliver, I have really grown completely devoted to him since his coverage of the 2016 election.  (Here's the link to his post-election show: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

There are a lot of really good points in here.  Most notably the start of the answer to:  what the fuck do we do now?  One answer is to donate to causes that may need resources because of some of Trump's planned policies.

These are the organizations he has proposed:

Planned Parenthood  
 Because Roe vs Wade still stands and they do much more than just abortions anyway.

Center for Reproductive Rights
  Because Roe vs Wade is in potential jeopardy and women should get to keep choices over what they can do with their bodies.

Natural Resources Defense Council
  Because Trump is planning on installing a non-scientist, climate change denier as the head of the EPA

The International Refugee Assistance Project
  Because Syria

NAACP Legal Defense Fund
  Because Black Lives Matter

The Trevor Project
  Because the Veep and other proposed cabinet members think that being gay is some kind of choice. 


Mexican American Legal Defense and Educational Fund
  Because walls are stupid.

There are probably many more, but this is a good start.

Another key take-away from his show is that most of us get our news from our Facebook feed.  Which lets face it, Facebook is an echo chamber of lies and misinformation.  (This was also the proposed title of the first Harry Potter novel.)  So, we have to stop accepting things as fact just because we like how they sound.  I'm good with that.  But, how do we get "them" to do that?  How do we bridge this divide when "they" don't trust or believe the media, other than Fox?  Because we have got to push this train forward, even though its engineer is batshit crazy.  How do we force those who truly don't believe in facts that you can't just deny the facts?  Because by definition they are "a thing that is indisputably the case" OR "something that truly exists or happens."

I am genuinely asking this, because I do not know.  In the wake of the results, many articles came through my facebook feed and one that has really settled and taken hold is this one.

       You can’t say that you’re for progress and then stay quiet because it’s too awkward. We’ve tried   changing the minds of racists, and it hasn’t worked. So it has to come from you. Not the you that posts “woke af” articles (like this one) that only your friends can see, but the you that goes home for Thanksgiving and silently digs into the green bean casserole while someone talks about Black Lives Matter being thugs. Use your voice. Those mashed potatoes won’t stand up for Black people—you have to.

 Wow, right?  How do we do that?  How do we get to a point of being able to hold rational conversations with people who don't believe facts?  I am genuinely asking this, again.  Because I need to know.  I am going to be in these positions, and I need to know how to open this dialogue and keep it going.  And not back down.... 

The rambling will continue again -- but for now, you are welcome for the Tom Petty song now currently stuck in your head.

“America, let’s just breathe”

I heard this phrase during the puzzles this morning on Sunday Edition on NPR.  The contestant was just asking for a moment to breathe because she was nervous, but the co-host turned the phrase “America, let’s just breathe.”  And I was inspired to finally finish writing this piece that I’ve been picking at all week…

We are coming off a life-changing week.  For most in my own newsfeed, it’s a week of sadness and loss.  During a time when we expected to see the first female president, we have not.  Every single possible negative characterization has been assigned to our pending President-elect.  I have said many of them as have my sister- and brother-hood.  There is no need to repeat them now.  And there is no need to continue to assign all of those characterizations to our fellow Americans who chose to vote for him.  We made a choice and they made a choice, and in both cases and on both sides of the country, those choices were made as a protest, as a vote against the other party, et cetera.  We can all continue to play Monday morning quarterback and analyze what happened, why it happened and what we could have/should have done differently.  The point is moot.  He was elected.  No, as we need to remind ourselves to placate our damaged souls, not by a majority of the POPULAR vote, but because of an arcane system called the Electoral College.  Nevertheless, it happened. Look at the maps – they were red.  Red like the rage that we ignored that has been plaguing our country.  We, the Pants Suit Nation, are mystified and stunned and wanting to assign all of the possible negative characterizations to this half of the country as we were to the President-elect.  But, the truth is while those characterizations may be true for many of the Trump voters, there were just as many who felt just as strongly against Hillary and US.  “We” were deemed narrow-minded and out of touch and a whole lot of other things after the fact.

I’ve thought about some of those characterizations, particularly after I watched Michael Moore’s segment on Morning Joe.  (Link:  http://www.msnbc.com/morning-joe/watch/michael-moore-joins-wide-ranging-election-talk-806604867876)  (Note:  I am not a regular Morning Joe watcher, but I do follow Michael Moore on Facebook.)  Michael Moore is certainly NOT a Republican, but his case for why the Democrats lost the mid-West cannot be ignored.  “We” do not try to understand the anger and fear that rises out of this segment of society and “we” belittle it as being uneducated and misinformed.  In other words, it’s the very reason that “we” are considered elitist snobs.  One of the panelists tried to make the point that “they” are not trying to see things from “our” point of view, either.  Unfortunately, he was shouted down, as is often the case on any of these pundit type shows.  (Which is frankly why I so rarely watch any of them.)  I think both sides have an equally valid point.  We DON’T hear their cries for help and we DON’T take them seriously.  If we did, don’t you think Hillary would have campaigned more fiercely in Wisconsin after she lost to Bernie? 

There I go, Monday morning quarterbacking again…

Right now, I feel just torn down the middle.  Part of me truly believes, he won, we lost.  We do need to try to find a peaceful way forward.  I hear his supporters say that we should all just trust that things are going to work out and just accept the fact that we lost, et cetera.  I grit my teeth until the enamel feels thin, but I know that there is truth in there.  Like Michelle Obama preached, when they go low, we go HIGH!  (Link: http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2016/07/26/dnc-convention-michelle-obama-sot-01.cnn)  I want that.  I want to be the better woman, aligned with better men and women… 

But, I think about how before the election results even came in, Republicans as a coalition were pledging to block her nominees to the Supreme Court, pledging to block all of her legislation, and that’s not even taking into consideration all of the blocking that was done in the previous 8 years.  I think about how the president-elect was one of the founding reasons that the racist, hate-filled “birther” movement even started and…

That’s when the rage and bile rise and that other part of me rises.  The She-Hulk part of me rises and roars and believes that I should join in the protests that are cropping up around the country (including the biggest one being planned, the Women’s March on Washington in January the day after the inauguration).  (Link: https://www.facebook.com/events/2169332969958991/)  I’ve read many of the posts and articles from Trump voters who say “they” aren’t racist, misogynist, et cetera.  And I’ve read the responses – “we” believe you, or at least, we really, really, REALLY want to believe you.  But when the part of my worldview shows that in the wake of a Trump election, there is a rise in hate crimes -- I am scared.  (Link:  http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2016/11/12/post-election-spate-hate-crimes-worse-than-post-911-experts-say/93681294/) I’ve seen battles between family members play on the pages of Facebook.  I’ve heard stories of family members shaming other family members because they didn’t vote Republican.  I have family members who are genuinely afraid that their marriage will be dissolved and their rights stripped away. 

I want to bring reason to the She-Hulk.  I hear from a man on the news who voted for Trump and even sounds at first to be a little skeptical and even, dare I say, reasonable.  Until the reporter asks him, do you think that it’s possible for us to find a way to live in a peaceful, multi-cultural, multi-ethnic society?  And the man says no, it’s can’t be done.

All hope is gone again.

And here, on Day 5, She-Hulk and I, we try to figure out how to remember to just breathe.