Drama, drama, drama

Somehow I got a reputation for being dramatic... Pause for anyone who knows me to laugh so hard they pee...

Kickball tonight... There is another Heather on my team. She is only 3 years younger than me, but has much less maturity. Say what you want about me, but I'm not immature. Not being a grown-up and being immature are different, IMHO.

Anyway.

Other Heather was seeing some guy for 4.5 months -- of which, she admits he "ignored" her for about half of. She got dumped for some other random girl. Very bitter, drinking lots -- TONS of drama. At first, I really like listening to the drama. Listen to her revel in it as I can see her fingers get all pruney from being immersed in the drama... It's weird to me, that she does not understand that she is immersed in drama, but what can you do? At one point, I have all but tried to explain to her that I am older, this is drama, this too shall pass.... But, I also understand that she's only going to have to learn this on her own, and it is SO frustrating. SO.

I'm not sure I can have children and watch them learn things on their own.

I can see that this guy is not the first mistake she is going to make... I don't know, after making this many mistakes myself, I guess I just have a sense of it. Which I imagine is somewhat parent-like... I see her making the mistakes, I know how she can stop herself from making them, but I know that there is nothing I can say to her that is going to change her course... Frustrating... But I know I was the same way -- at any age. It's always like this. You just have to go through it. It doesn't matter what anyone says or does, it 's your own experience. You always think -- they do NOT know. No matter what they went through, it's not like this...

I hate getting old and having experience. I hate that that experience only counts in MY world.

Why hasn't someone invented a squeaky dog toy that only dogs can hear? Charlie is a bit OCD when it comes to squeaking and when he really gets going, I really want to kill him, myself, anyone.

Another exciting holiday weekend spent consuming... We spent the day consuming, with a brief respite to wash the dog. And then there was the devastation that is swimsuit shopping, brilliantly started after a sushi dinner. Security was seriously alarmed by the uncontrollable sobbing coming from the dressing room, so we had to leave...

Hope things are good with you..............

I know how much you like looking at pictures, so hopefully this will alleviate some of your boredom...

Crap, I was going to post more often...

Went on a pre-birthday shopping spree today. Julia's coming into town tomorrow for birthday and wine festival. Our THIRD cat arrived today. Very weird seeing Scott's ex in our house but mostly weird because it wasn't quite as weird as I thought it was going to be.

I should have more to say but I don't.

Off work today and procrastinating on working on my research paper. It's actually become my new hobby -- procrastinating on writing my paper. Sigh. It's not going to write itself and I just don't care that much. I think if I could figure out why I don't care, I'd have a better chance of sitting down and writing it.

It's painful. Extrapolating the information from various sources, documenting and quoting them accurately, fine tuning them into my own words... I know once I really commit to getting started, it will be fine and I'll get through it and be proud of the work I did. But, in the meantime, I'd rather read old blogs and shop for cars on the internet and watch all of my tivo stuff and think about going shopping.

My favorite part is that the topic I chose for my paper is effects of stress in the work place. I'm trying to put my arms around the world and narrow it down into bite size pieces, aka paragraphs.

And it's sunny and beautiful and I don't have to work today and the thought of giving up my weekend to write this paper plunges me in to sadness.

Okay, that was super melodramatic even for me.

I've embarrassed myself into going and starting. Wish me luck.

More pictures....

Some pictures from the Sertoma Spring Fever event (because I know how much you prefer to look at pictures, Julia)

Left work early today feeling kind of generally poopy and headachey. Not feeling loads better but tomorrow is Sertoma and since that's drunk Christmas, I've got to suck it up.

Ah, Sertoma. It's somewhat how I imagine Heaven to be -- a tent full of top shelf alcohol, trucks of beer and wine, a band playing 70's dance music and all the people watching a voyeur like me can handle. It's awesome. Or at least it always seems awesome in retrospect.

So, that's the biggest thing.

In minor household drama, Scott's exgirlfriend has asked him to consider to "taking custody" of her cat because she's moving to Hawaii and for whatever reason can't take him with her. This is the cat that made Scott want to have a cat and there's no way that I could have/would have said no. Still, it will be weird having another woman's cat around. This is probably the closest I will ever feel to what it's like to be a step mom, huh? Don't know the details or even if it will definitely happen, but it's just weird. Soon we will have two cats and a dog. And maybe all that pet menagerie and a baby. Oy! I have always been pretty opposed to three cats because I think it's pretty downhill from there, but it is what it is and I can't say no.

I have a couple of days off next week and in between I'm in training for my new job. It's so long until I move over to be with my new team that it feels like it's not even going to happen. It's a bit surreal.

That's all for now, I'm off to bed.

Here's some of what's been going on... Can't remember if I wrote about any of this.

I had this sudden sense of sadness about not doing a better job of keeping track of time passing. I read back to my wrap up for 2003 and I thought, look at all that stuff I remembered. And it was nice looking back and being able to remember again all that stuff. It kind of made it feel like I wasn't just slipping through life. That I was creating something. Even if it was only a circle of memories that only mattered to me.

So, here's as much as I can remember about 2007 (and maybe even late 2006 because who knows how long I have drifted off...) --

In no particular order...

I started VA Wesleyan College. I think I wrote about this. It's really not like I thought it would be and yet even better than I expected. I really enjoy my Buddhist Philosophy class and the Organizational Psych isn't too bad. The campus is really pretty, I think, and even though I'm not religious for some reason I appreciate this aspect of the school. Weird, don't tell Tina. :)
I like that the philosophy class makes me think -- I enjoy getting in that zone. Even though it's very foreign to me. I feel like my brain is this muscle that could really do something if only I exercised it.

Things at work are going pretty good. In January, I met with one of the Senior managers and she was just getting a feel for why people who had applied for Senior in the past hadn't applied again. And if we would , etc. It wasn't directed specifically at me but it still made me feel special. I applied for the job, she coached me and I faked some confidenced and got the job.

The Confidence Revolution is really starting to swell in my house. It started with Scott. There was a job he really wanted. He sent them his resume and this really strong cover letter that we worked really hard on. Basically outlining how he was perfect for this job even though his resume really didn't spell it out. Well, they never called. And he just got this incredible rush of I don't know what and called them. That wasn't really the courageous part, because lots of people call after not hearing anything when sending in their resume. It was really what he said, which was just reiterating that while he realized that his resume wasn't exactly what they were looking for, it didn't make sense to pay to keep publishing an ad and yet not letting him come in and talk to them in person. After all, there was no charge to talk to him and who knew what they were missing? What was the worst thing that could happen? They were looking for someone to fill the position anyways. It worked. Well, he got the interview but then not the job... Oh well, got a better job anyways. Which he negotiated more money out of because of his confidence.

Nothing better than looking for a job when you've got a job.

He's doing great. Lost half of his old self almost. It's so strange watching him disappear. I can't even remember what it was like before this. In many ways as I can't really remember my life before he was in it. I think because we're both only children, we have this weird way of understanding each other's quirks. I know when you want to be alone and I know when you want to be with people. I don't always respect that, but I do know it.

Charlie Bear has been growing up... We do the best we can for him, but I am not the world's best mother. I don't walk him as much as I should or bathe him as much as we need. Still, he is a really well-behaved dog for being a puppy. That's all Scott's doing.

We haven't gotten to play Spades with Tina and Ryan as much this year as I had hoped. But I'm never going to be able to count cards, so my game playing has just levelled off. I understand it's a valuable skill but it just takes away the fun as far as I'm concerned. Where's the sense of fun and just dumb luck? I guess that's why I still get a kick out of Egyptian Rat Screw -- just dumb luck with a little bit of violence for fun.

We started playing kickball. I'm sure once it's not 40 and windy when we're playing it's going to be a LOT of fun, but right now it's just a lot of whining and crying and some occasional drinking. I really like the people though, they're fun good times. Can't see having a heart to heart with them over Italian, but that's not what this is about.

Been trying to go in early and work out. Have been successful 5 times in the last 3 weeks. It is SO hard. It's mostly because I have to get everything ready the night before exactly right because I can't get up early enough to do it right in the morning. I really want to sleep but I really don't want to be fat anymore. It's a big struggle because boy do I miss sleep.

Okay, I'm at that distinct period where I need to get ready for tomorrow or I'm going to sleep in and feel guilty all day... So, here I go.

I am starting to have an appreciation of the memories, so maybe that means I'll pop in more often. I think it's Julia -- she inspires me to write by talking about it. I'm really glad she's back here. I don't want to take anything away from my other friends because I love them too -- but there's just something so specific that I get from Julia that I can't seem to get anywhere else. It's weird. I think sometimes that's what love is.

Good night!

Dear Julia,

I'm too lazy to post, so I'm just going to put up pictures again. Hope that's okay.

love,

me

PS -- Can you tell how whacky the hair color is? I'm trying to get back to my roots, literally.

Dear Julia,

Today was our Ravenchase Adventure. It's a scavenger hunt and they do it in different areas, but mostly Norfolk and Richmond. I think they have one in Charlotte too.

It starts out with them emailing you a clue. It's a real poem and then another poem that's the clue. You solve the clue by using the real poem. You email them to let them know if you got it, and they will respond to you and let you know if you are right.

The first clue tells you where to meet. Then you meet there at the appointed time and size up your competition. The chase leaders (or whoever they're called) give you your "toolkit" and a scroll with 4 clues and a map. The 4 clues are riddles and puzzles that you have to decipher. Anagrams and codes are used frequently. There's no order to the clues, so it doesn't matter where you find them. You just have to figure out all 4.

The clues will also lead you to other clues. And usually they are buried.

The other teams are doing the same things you are, but there's no telling what order they're going in. But we would see other teams while we were searching and would often figure out where things are based on things the other team would do.

There is a LOT of walking. I got so much exercise today that I crammed myself full of food and beverage when we got to the end. Mmmmmmm, nachos.

There were about 20 people out there. We were all geeks. :)

There was one lone girl who needed a group to team up with, so we let her come with us. That made for even more fun, having a total stranger in our group. Plus, she was black so that led to numerous really interesting racial conversations. She had her moments, but I really bonded with her and had fun hanging out with her today. But, since I tend to get too attached to people early on, I'm trying to dial it down.

The other people in our team were Scott (of course), Travis and Rocky. Rocky drove the Mystery Machine -- so we had the internet and GPS and beverages AND a bathroom!! We were SET. (I won the award for most uses of the bathroom, but I was SUPER cold and have a tiny bladder.)

Sometimes, the chase has actors that get involved. You're never sure who they are. On our first clue search, I saw guy sitting off by himself in an area that seemed weird for him to be off by himself. He had a bag and I thought he was eating lunch -- or pretended. So, I went up to him to try to flirt him in to giving us tips. Asking if he knew about the Raven or what we were looking for. He had NO idea, or said he didn't. I walked a little closer to talk to him and I realized that he wasn't eating dinner. He was listening to music and a had two or three dirty magazines out with him. Oh My. I was SO mortified. Wow. I was all "you're looking at dirty magazines!!" And he was all, "they're just another type of art."

Man, I got away from that area quickly. Our new friend told him that she wouldn't get involved in him because a LADY never takes out trash! :0)

We followed one team or they followed us for a little while. We kept running in to them, but we wound up finishing before they did. Which made me feel a little bad, but not much.

Anyways, Julia. It was lots of fun! I didn't really contribute much on the solving end, but I really had fun following the group around and looking for the clues. I came really close many times but still never quite found any. Still, it was fun. I really want to do it again.

later --

HPL

PS -- If I get any pictures from the group, I'll post them here for you.

Dear Julia,

Wouldn't it be easier for you to get your own blog not to update? Do you really enjoy these forced posts? Do they make you happy?

Perhaps I should retitle the blog, Inside of How Heather is Manipulated by Julia's Need to Read Something More interesting.

That seems a little long.

I'm home ill today. Just a sore throat, but I am a baby when it comes to that. I'll go to work with snot running down my face and headaches and whatever, but you give me a scratchy throat and I want my mommy.

And a vat of ice cream. Which luckily we don't have because if we did have it, we wouldn't anymore.

But, enough about me Julia. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me? WHY do you want me to write when it has been delineated to mindless drivel?

How about a co-blog? I'll add you as an author and you can post articles about white privilege and we can discuss them? You can come up with some of the inane drivel.

I'm tapped out of content. I can't have kids just for the blog content, especially since that will mean I really won't have time to blog.

I haven't read too much for pleasure lately, though I did just finish Jodi Picoult's Vanishing Acts. Gotta tell you, don't get the hype. My Sister's Keeper was much better and had a much better ending and was just a better story over all. I've read several of Ms. Picoult's books and so far, that's still my favorite one.

But, no more pleasure reading for me for a while because I'm back in class and have to read school stuff or I get too far behind and I berate myself. It's weird being back in school, especially now that it's "real" college and not community college. For everyone who tried to humor me that that WAS real school, I respond -- you've never been. I'm not ready for term papers and literary reviews.

Ick.

But, I want to get done.

So much so that I'm sitting around watching lots of crap on tv today instead of doing school stuff.

But, I'm sick so it's okay.

Back to you, Julia. Shall I talk about how disappointed I am that you won't be visiting this month? Or for several months to come? That even though I know you can't afford it, I really was looking forward to hanging out with you and doing silly things like drinking too much and hashing out our old arguments and looking at old pictures.

Okay, I wasn't looking forward to the hashing part, but I know it's going to happen because you told me it had to.

I'm glad you're back in the US and not smoking hookahs lost in Europe anymore.

I'm glad we talk a lot.

I wish you lived closer.

Maybe then you'd stop bugging me to post stuff.

until next month,

H.

journalling

I was re-reading some old blogs and I came across one of my many "I'm going to give up blogging because I miss journalling" blogs.

Well, I recently came across my old journals and started re-reading those.

Oh my God. I think something about handwriting in a bound book makes me even more self-centered than when I am on the world wide web. As if that were even really possible. But if it were.

The journal I found was from when Scott and I were together the first time. It was the break-up journal. Wow. The melodrama reaches a fever pitch. I'm not saying that I wasn't hurting but I keep re-reading it and I wish I could tell that poor girl that it all worked out. (And that she should have dumped that rebound guy a LOT sooner.) That poor girl just could not believe that she and Scott were really over, even though it could not have been more plain if he had hired a skywriter to tell her.

It's always been so easy for me to be strong when I am trying to help other people get over their own heartbreaks -- it's easy for anyone who is not going through it at the time. It's hard to be sensitive because I have the memory of a goldfish. When I am going through the pain, I am mired in it. I like to wallow in my self-pity until my fingers get all pruney. It feels good to feel bad and it feels better to try to feel worse. But once I snap out of it once and for all, I snap out. There is a part of me that grieves my loss, but it's not a part that takes over me and consumes me.

And I've been through some stuff. And each time I'm badder and better than the last time. I'm stronger or at least wiser...

All right, Charlie's behind me in his self-created den (behind the recliner) and he's discovered he likes the taste of power -- in electrical cords. Gotta go have a chat with my man, so I'm out...

New Year, New me?

Last night I overindulged. This comes as a surprise to no one. Here's what's different. While under the influence, I laid it on the line and said what I thought and made no apologies.

And I still don't regret it. I am really completely tired of putting on the show and trotting out all of the formalities and the pleasantries for people who don't care about me on the same level. It costs too much money to put on the show and it takes too much out of me emotionally. The rejection hits me time and again and I'm just tired.

A lot of it is the pressure to try to live up to the legend of my mom. Part of it is me trying to put on airs. And most of it has been related to my constant need to prop up my self-esteem by showing people what a great show I can put on.

I don't want to put on the show any more. I don't want to be anyone's dancing monkey any more. Yes, I am overly sensitive and whatever, but I don't even care. That's what's so great. I just completely do not give a crap what anyone who doesn't matter thinks anymore. They don't care what I think, they don't care about protecting my feelings or putting me first. I'm not trying to be selfish, I am just saying that I have had enough of being a sycophantic kiss ass to people who don't include me in anything.

The people that care about me care about me unconditionally. They forgive me when I get silly and talk out of my ass too much. They include me in their lives and their plans and I hope they know how much I want to be in their lives.

I learned a lesson last night. I know that I am coming across as bitter and entitled, and I AM sorry for that. But, I have had enough. I have had enough of putting what everyone thinks of me ahead of what I think of me.

I am done being afraid.

Dear Future Heather,

You do not like throwing New Year's parties. They require a lot of planning and prep and they require that the house get cleaned and then STAYS cleaned. This is a lot of work on your week off. It takes away from your relaxation.

You will drink too much, talk too loud and possibly even get sick. You are definitely going to feel bad on New Year's Day and then you have to go back to work. Ick. Future Heather, you need to take January 2 off too. Plan for that now.

Future Heather you need to know that when you are on vacation you are lethargic. You don't eat right, you don't exercise and you have really poor habits all around. Don't try to act like you do, just try to do one thing better in the future. If you plan on doing all of them, you are oging ot disappoint yourself time and time again. But if you make an effort to talk walks then at least you're being active.

Just some things to think about.

love,

Past Heather

PS to my 2 readers: Have a happy, healthy, joyous new year. I don't make resolutions, so I won't be swearing I'm going to write more or anything but keep in touch!

The comments I have been getting on this emailed picture are torn between how cute the puppy is (we wound up naming him Charlie Bear because he looks like a Teddy Bear) and how cute my HUSBAND is.

I agree with both.

Been having a blast with the puppy, but we're pretty spoiled by his mellowness. He has had few to no house accidents and no "destroy everything" incidents.

Plus, he will acknowledge you (sort of) when you call him. Although he has been prone to taking a message and getting back to us.

And having the puppy has introduced us to The Dog Whisperer on the National Geographic channel. This is me and Pops (my nickname for Scott's dad) new favorite show, but Scott gets burned out in it pretty quick.

If anyone has any tips on easing crate training, I'm open to suggestions...

Our puppy has arrived and we have decided to name him Charlie. As sort of a tribute to my dad, Charles. I asked my mom if she thought he would mind, and she wrote back, "How would we ever know?" His full name is Charlie Biscuit Lee. Mom says that if I had been a boy, I would have been Brian Charles and Dad was going to nickname me BC. She said if we called our boy Biscuit Charlie, he could have the same nickname.

But, I'm digging on calling him Charlie B.

He's always been an outside dog, so bringing him inside has been somewhat confusing for him.

But boy, he is CUTE. I never knew I would be this much of a dog person but he is the newest love of my life!

We're getting a puppy!!

This is not an exact image of our puppy but he is a golden retriever and we'll have him next week.

We called Scott's dad and stepmom to tell them. I said, "You're going to be grandparents -- it's a boy!"

Ooops. They went nuts. Crazy with the yelling and excitement. I couldn't let it drag out and had to yell over them that it was a puppy. They were still pretty happy but not like that.

Wow.

But now we're debating names. Can't decide on one.

Any thoughts from the readers?

Why is it that whenever I cut my hair off my husband suddenly wants me to grow it shoulder length? A style that I have been saying I think I wanted to try but he would not validate.

Why does the world seem so absurd sometimes? I cannot relate to anything or anyone for long periods of time. What's my character's motivation? Why am I interested?

I'm never going to be able to tell you the truth about how I feel about you and it's killing me.

And that sentence is true for so many people in so many different ways.

Here is what I find annoying (I think I've said this before) -- why is it that I can lift weights a couple of times a week and never get any stronger? What is that about?

If I know what's going to happen to you, is it because I'm psychic, a know-it-all, or you just keep making the same dumb-ass mistakes all the time?

And, what is the being right thing about? Why the fuck do I have to be right all the time? That is so obnoxious. If I never solve anything else about my character, I really wish I could fix this. Man, it's disgusting. I don't want to be right all the time. I want you to be right and I really want not to care that I don't get to be right.

I can't believe I am going to have to study to get a D on a test. I mean, I know that's arrogant, but that's because I'm arrogant about this. I always bought in to my own hype that I'm smart. But, if I were smart, I would not have to study hard to get a D. That's not fair.

Travis figured out tonight that Scott and I's "act" is that we sell each other. The thing I sell him on is that he wants to take care of me and nurture me and the thing he sells me on is that he can do all of that and more. We're not always successful selling each other, but I guess it makes a fun show to watch.

I know it's wrong but sometimes I think we like being in love in front of people. Our kind of love. The goofy dysfunctional kind. We like to show it off and see if people think it's as cool as we do.

But there's a lot of expectations that go along with show-offy love and I think sometimes we let each other down.

You can't put on the show all the time.

I think the reason I like to take a week of at Christmas is that I like to pretend it's high school break. Take time to be with my friends and family. Hang out and talk to them. And in these fantasies we're always drinking hot beverages. Usually spiked with rum.

Hmm, I'll have to call HP2 and pass this on as a suggestion...

Oh my freaking God I am almost done with Physics.

Whenever people in my class learn that I am not taking the next class, they always ask why I am not required to take the next level? I explain that I did not even have to take THIS level, but that I am an idiot.

It's perplexing being an idiot in most situations, but in Physics it's a tragicomedy. Especially since the teacher will ask us if we understand and then tell us that of course we do and move on to the next thing.

Why did I take Physics? Because I don't like to cut things up, I am really bad at Chemistry and I think Earth Science is boring.

If I had to do it all over again, I would have chosen to be bored.

But I don't, because I'm leaving and heading for VA Wesleyan in the Spring to work on my grown up degree. Woo hoo!

And next semester I'm not taking anything that could even remotely be mistaken for a lab science. Not even in a dark alley in a bad neighborhood. I'm taking Organizational Psychology and Buddhist Philosophy.

Don't you love the yen/yang of it?? Does Organizational Psych get less zen than Buddhism? It's basically the antithesis of Buddhism, I think. I think it's going to be a good contrast. Plus, this is my first toe dunk in to a 300 level class. Something I believe I am completely unprepared for, but who knows? I may surprise myself.

Then again, I seldom do. :)

Actually, this whole going to grown up school is pretty funny because when you look at me on paper from back in the day (aka my JMU transcript), I really look like a drop-out burner/loser. My GPA worked out to be like 1.5 or something horrific like that. My VWC advisor was praising me on how proud I should be of what I have accomplished in my adult college career. I mean, it just doesn't seem like she should be talking about me.

I was an honor grad, for pity's sake. I took AP classes. Who is this loser with the shit GPA we're talking about? Hard to believe it was me. Hard to believe that I look like that on paper. It just goes to show, I think, that it really doesn't matter what those numbers look like -- they tell nothing of the person behind them. No one who met that girl would have ever believed that she was capable of being like that.

But, she was -- I was. But, I still can't reconcile it.

And this is where it gets a little wrapped up... I think that people who have known me since I was that girl still see that in me. Still see that girl who made those mistakes and who let her life fall in to someone else's hands and gave it away. Someone that it never would have seemed possible. It's hard not to see myself that way sometimes. It's hard to accept that I am a different person now -- a person that I wish that girl could have met and learned from.

Boy, all this rambling ain't gonna cut it at the 300 level... :)