"Testing...attention, please!"

Nothing to make you feel like an idot more than an assessment test. I haven't even taken it yet and already I I feel like a loser. I'm 30. Years old that is. A lot of those years have been spent away from anything resembling normal English or Math. (One quick glance at this Blog and my checkbook can confirm that!) But, now I'm going to pay $4 (American!) to get assessed in those areas. It's humiliating.

I'm nervous. The truth about my lack of intelligence is unsettling. I try to justify any potential failing by how long it's been since I've been separated from it, but that's a bunch of crap. Plenty of the people that I know have been separated from it just as long as I have and they remember. They remember. They work on it, I don't. I just can't even remember caring about this stuff.

But, if I want the degree, the piece of paper to make me feel like I AM good enough and equal to anyone... Well, I gotta go get assessed.

And then I get to go to the dentist and get a tooth filled. I'm pretty unhappy about that, because it's going to wind up costing ME money to be in pain and that totally sucks.

But that's another blog. :-)

-hp

Love is in the air.... blech!

So, my friend has got bling on the brain and it turns out that her boyfriend has the same kind of thoughts though I won't go into the details of HOW she knows this just in case... He could be a reader, you don't know!

I'm happy for her in a way, but the thing is that I've had a pizza in my refrigerator for longer than they've been dating. It's discouraging. They're not the only ones with the wedding bells on the horizon either, meanwhile I seem to facing happily NEVER after! But, as long as I'm not bitter about it then that's okay, right?

I'm not bitter. Much. But I just have glowing syrupy fantasies about fabulous proposals in made in carriage rides with the colors flying and the birds swirling and all that crap. I've seen too many Chick Flicks and I have just overly romantic ideas about how it's "supposed" to be. It's ridiculous. I suppose if I had been proposed to the first time around then my feelings may be different. But I wasn't. It was just, "do you think we should...? Yeah, I guess so." I daresay that I may have even been the person who initiated the talk, not something that I'm proud of. But, that's another blog.

So, I have this fantasy virginal dream about how it's going to be and how all of the days after will be. In my mind, we're this DIY couple who live at Home Depot and "had" to buy a pickup truck because of all the projects I "make" him do. Trust me, the fantasies are way out there -- I cook in them, for God's sake.

I don't know. It's just the idea. Of someone wanting, nay CHOOSING, to spend all of his days with little ole me. Little ole me, with my BIG ole mouth and lofty dreams.

We won't even get into the tick-tock that's slowly started, but I do know that I'm going to need to start taking breaks NOT overlooking the child development center...

HP

3 glasses of wine & cheesy reality show later...

"I'm feeling much better now!"

Average Joe delivers another coup as the irritating Brad is cut! She kept Zach, but we all knew that it was just hoping for TOO much to see him get cut.

But the plot thickens as the producers conjure up 3 more competitors -- Yummy, Zummy and MmHmm. (Although, frankly -- and I am NOT just sucking up to my boyfriend here -- they really didn't do much for me. Yes, they have sexy longish hair and abs that you could cut down trees with, but they just don't seem charming really.) I think this sucks, because here this poor schleps had to fight tooth and nail to NOT get eliminated over like what (?) 13 other guys? Even Zach was disconcerted, which was nice for a change.

Here's the thing -- we've just got stereotypes feeding into more stereotypes. The Average guy is not going to get the Beautiful girl, because the Handsome guy is always going to sweep in at the last second and "steal" her. The problem is that the Beautiful girl could never really be "won" by the Handsome guy if she weren't on some levels ultimately shallow. (Sorry, but it's true.) Of course, plenty of Handsome guys happen to have stellar personalities to go along with their looks, but seriously -- how often does this happen in real life?? (Except for you, honey. We know you're good and not just looking.) Approximately never. Most of the time the Attractive people are not really blessed with great senses of humor or stellar intellects or whathaveyou, because why do they need both?? Even if they HAVE both, they just aren't going to display that because it doesn't really work like that.

Okay. I'm sneezing AND hiccuping at the same time and it just doesn't get more annoying than that. And yes, Elizabeth -- I am thinking about a grapefruit and I mean it. Maybe I have to think about a fruit I actually like and mean it? Hit the comment button, if you can see it! :-)

HP

Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays

I very desperately wanted to just crawl under the covers today and make the world go away. Helped some friends move yesterday (as much help as I can be, 200lb weakling that I am -- har, har) and I could barely lift my arms to wash my hair. I go to slap on some war paint to cover my fatigued face and discovered that I left the "good stuff" at Daddy's house... So deep runs my vanity that I almost went over there just to do my face before work and then I got over myself and used the "not-as-good stuff" to do my face with. Then I just snarled at people all day, which works wonders for your appearance.

Couple that with a To-Do list that was literally 4 pages long and a minor power play with my boss and all in all -- NOT a stellar day. (It's not literally a To Do list but to explain what it literally means would be boring and UNfascinating to everyone but Katrina!) [God bless Katrina, by the way, for being interested in that boring crap. Makes me feel like slightly less of a drudge. Not much, but slightly.]

Where was I? Yes. So, bad day. And it was Monday to boot. All in all, not much to blog about but damn it someone's got to be prolific and it might as well be me.

So, I will explain the power play thing with my boss and if anyone wants to toss out suggestions I'll be happy to field 'em. The thing is, I love my boss. I really do. But she and I are a LITTLE too much alike at times and the bottom line is that she's the one in charge at the end of the day so I'm never going to be right in situations where she doesn't agree with me. She has this thing that she does when she is a little miffed at one person where she will drag ANOTHER person into the conversation. I was on the receiving end of this today. She asked me a question and then she didn't like the answer I gave her, so she dragged another co-worker into the fray to "back her up." I understand, on some levels, that it was NOT that serious, but I didn't like it. To be fair, I am more often than not the employee who is brought in to "back her up" and I don't like that either. Both ways, it puts me in a poor spot. But, the fact of the matter is that in order for me to keep things the way that I like them, I can't really call her out for doing it to me because that moves my position in this little game. I don't like it but she's going to keep doing it and it works to my favor more often than not.

Evil Corporate Heather, bet y'all didn't know that I had it in me, did you? The fact is that I don't. However. I've always been one to play the hand that's dealt me. And this is the first time in some time where I've been dealt a pretty good hand AND been in a position to bet on it.

Ick. It's disgusting even to me. I'm gonna go have some wine and Easy Cheese, the cure-alls for what ails ya!

Love you mean it,
Catbert =)

Heather on her Soapbox, again

I'm an organ donor, why aren't you?

On the way home from work tonight, I tuned in to one of my favorite radio stations The Point. They're doing a radiothon currently for the local children's hospital, and being the terrible person that I am I don't listen too much during this timeframe because my heartstrings get pulled and I'm not giving them any money. The guilt emanating from the radio triples... And it got even worse tonight as I tuned in just in time to hear the tail end of the story of a woman whose young son died a few years ago. I guess the hospital must have been very supportive during the timeframe, but I just heard that he died. It was pretty sad, she sounded young -- he must have been very young, etc. But I cracked when she said that she got to meet the young girl who received his heart this past February.

Can you imagine? Your child has died and despite the incredible amount of pain you're suffering as a result of that you somehow muster the courage to give consent for organ donation and someone else's child is living as a result of your incredible loss. And I think that as awful as your loss must be, that must somehow make up for it.

That's why I'm an organ donor. Not that I think that others will be able to soldier on after I'm gone because my liver (hm, bad example -- my kidney, how bout that?) lives on in another, but knowing that I can give that gift does me a world of good in my heart for all of the things I DIDN'T do while I was around to do them. I'm going to be dead, I am NOT going to be needing what I've got left where I'm going. (Especially where I'm bound to go.) So, why not fork 'em over? Seriously. What reason does any person who believes they have a soul have for NOT being an organ donor?

I'm an organ donor, why aren't you?

"We've got a possible 511, here"

Everyone that knows me, knows that my mother is insanely curious about my mundane life. She read my diary when I was a teenager, and I caught her reading my email a few years ago and both times it caused a MAJOR upheaval in my life. Tears and screaming and the whole nine yards. It was ugly.

But, now -- the Onion has once more sent a ripple of fear through me with this article. After all, she wouldn't have to do anything TOO terribly sneaky to find me here, chronicling boring life stuff ad nauseum.

One good reason NOT to use your last name in your blog, people! Keep Mom and her Google happy self away from wild drunk references and whatnot.

Good Lord -- still, it was pretty damned funny. "Widmar said he expects his site to provide Lillian with ample cause for worry."

I love the Onion. I never remember to read it, but I do like it a lot.

This usurped other blog-spiration, so until next time...

HP

pre-coffee jitters

1. Yes, I know that the cnn story turned out to be a fake. I mostly suspected that, but I'm mildly taken aback that it was somehow linked to a cnn story without repercussion. Nevertheless, y'all can stop telling me.

2. How would I live without Febreeze? Those last minute "oops, I really shouldva washed this but I really want to wear it!" moments would be a disaster without it.

3. I'm thinking of moving the blog over to Salon.com but not sure what would happen to all the stuff HERE. Would it sit in cyberspace forever for me to come back and visit it and remember when fondly? Who can tell me this? DAVE!?

4. I'm late for work, again. And my boyfriend don't love me no mo' but we're pushing onwards anyway! ;-)

HP

If you want disturbing facts...

Then look no further kids -- because I've just become a role model. Yup. Shaping tomorrow's leaders, that's me. Only on a much, much smaller scale -- I'm a pen pal to a fifth grade girl. Already the selective process has begun, I had to choose based on the name alone.

Let me throw a little background... My company has several local volunteer activities that it particpates in and one of them is a pen pal exchange with local students. I signed up several months ago because I thought it would be kind of fun to hear life from the elementary school vantage point. Perhaps take a wee bit of the edge off of old Heather and kick start that old biological clock. Who knows? Crazier things have happened. (Sidenote: It's not so much that I'm concerned that my biological clock isn't ticking as I am concerned that I'm not concerned. Or something.) Anyways, for some reason it kept getting put off. I almost forgot until I got an email today announcing that the program was finally getting underway. I thought we'd already have a letter, but apparently we have to kickstart the whole thing. There was a list of boys and girls at the elementary school that's participating in the program. Well, I didn't have anything to say to fifth grade boys when I was IN the fifth grade and turns out my feelings haven't much changed. (Although, don't I wish someone had said a thing or two to that lousy Sean whateverhislastnamewas?? He sure was mean to me and it wasn't all my fault I was chunky and geeky, was it?) So, I sorted through the list of names and I realized that we were supposed to decide based solely on NAME. That seems like a prejudicial thing, too. If you don't have a cool name or your name is too odd, you're back to being picked last in gym class again aren't you? I guess they don't know that, but I didn't much like it. And I got the girl with the coolest name anyways.

They had a Get to Know Your Pen Pal form that they encouraged us to use. It was crap. Here are some of the questions and some of the possible problems....

What college did you go to? You mean until I flunked out? Or rather, til I ran away across the country with a no good scum-sucking scumbag who wound up ruining my life? That story is probably best held off until the girl's teenage years, when she'll likely be able to relate.

What do you like best about your job? Why? It doesn't make me want to cry my heart out every day thinking about how I've sold my soul to the man as much as my last job did. That's not true, but even though I like my job and can explain to grown-ups what it is I like, an 11 year old girl will think that's the most boring thing in the world. I've already been rejected by 5th graders when I was IN the fifth grade, I'm not looking for a repeat performance. I want to pretend to be cool.

Please describe your family. We put the FUN in dysfunction! Do you know what dysfunctional means, honey? But seriously, how do you answer this question? I suppose it's applicable if you're like married with kids. Doesn't apply.

What kind of car do you drive? I hate this. I drive a Kia. And not even a fun Sportage, just a Spectra. A model that many people still don't even know exists. I know this because I look at automobile policies all day and I almost never see anyone with a Kia.

What kind of books do you like to read? How do you describe Chick Lit to an 11 year old? I like to read books about desperate yet spunky single girls who find love right under their noses just when they have decided they've given up on love.

But my PERSONAL favorite was What do you like to do in your spare time? It goes without saying that most of these things can't even be documented in the blog, so deep is my paranoia but definitely can't be recounted to a young girl. I like to whip up batches of Green Jesus and get my boyfriend to enforce them on my friends at parties where they are dressed in their pajamas.

Anyways. It should prove interesting. At the very least I may have fodder for my "column." At the very most I may learn a thing or two from this young girl. But, I really do think that only happens in Hallmark movies of the week.

Wouldn't I be so great in a Hallmark movie? Maybe they could do a spin off and do Shoebox movies! THAT would be the perfect venue for me!

A tiny little division of reality,
HP

I love quotes!

One of my vocabulary enhancers has a quote along with the word every day. I really liked today's and thought I would share.

Life is an adventure in forgiveness. -Norman Cousins, author and editor
(1915-1990)

Because how true is DAT? ;-)

Tips on how to get booty from Heather -- as inspired by Average Joe

Well, not really. But it seemed like a nice title. And there are some things that I realize about the beautiful Melana that I see in myself. Not the beautiful part, to be sure. But, I have often been seen as the cute, kinda ditzy (in a bitingly sarcastic way) girl. The party girl. I've never really been taken very seriously and a large part of that is the image that I project. I accept that I have created that fate... But. It's nice when I am taken seriously. When people listen to my opinions. Especially men. One of the things that initially attracted me to Scott was how he would talk to me about everything and actually seem to seek my opinion. And furthermore, actually seem to listen to my opinion and value it. That meant a lot to me, because I see him as being this incredibly smart guy who knows a lot about a lot of things.

I see this in Melana too. That she is attracted to the guys who treat her as something more than a beautiful girl. Tareq (far and away the intellectual "snob" of the group -- he's only 21 and is working on the dissertation for his Ph.D and has already been to over 60 countries) basically secured his spot in the final 6 when he said, "It is the simplicity of your complexity that is the catalyst for my attraction to you." Sure, he ate a dictionary for breakfast and was obviously burping it up, but that's just a sexy thing to say to someone. HP2 says that it was just a bullshit line -- and I say DUH! They're all bullshit lines, men just want to get in your pants until they're in them. They will say whatever they need to to get there. Then they cease trotting out the good lines until they want to get in your pants again. I'm honestly not even bitter about this anymore. I wish that it were possible to keep the lines in a bottle so you could open the bottle later on when the lines are few and far between, but it just doesn't work like that.

Anyways... I've veered way off course. The only major surprise is going to be is if she doesn't wind up with Zach. He's pretty much the stand-out of the group because he's pretty attractive. Most of these other guys were the ones who were (admittedly) picked last for most events in gym class and who've battled being different their whole lives -- he's the one they've been battling against. It's just that simple. And he's going to win again. She "feels natural" with him. Of course, he's attractive -- she's attractive. They have this connection over their chemistry. It's depressing. You want the Underdog to win the pretty girl and you just know it's not going to happen. I feel like that underdogs got cheated when the producers slipped in one purebred dog. His only redeeming quality is that he got all choked up when Dennis got voted off...

Ah, Dennis. He was EVERYONE'S favorite underdog. (Everyone except for Brad, the back-stabbing whacko who should've been cut.) He was a bit older than most of the other guys, his teeth were all the same size, and he was mostly deaf in both ears. I have a soft spot for people with hearing problems, I can't help it. Plus, he was just such a sweet guy. He would've given anything to help anyone. He even washed one of the guy's shirts in the first episode when Zach the Jerk cracked an egg on his head. (THAT guy got voted off tonight too -- he admitted to dunking Zach's toothbrush in the toilet the morning after that incident. Good!)

Yeah. I'm WAY too into this shit. Right now, I don't really have a favorite guy remaining. I was rooting pretty hard for John -- until he launched into his Vienna Boys Choir routine around the campfire. He was trying WAY too hard and it's painful. Particularly because Melana is never going to be mean to his face, but makes some disparaging comments on camera when they're not together. It was a slight mystery why she kept him, but I think it's just the guilt of the rejection. He's obviously so into her and she couldn't really care less. So, I guess I'm leaning towards Adam. Only because he made a very slight comment about how he was the one who was always picked last in gym class and how hard the rock-climbing date was for him. He really tried to do it and just couldn't make it. I related to that. He wasn't overly crushed by it but he wasn't trying to justify it either. So, we didn't really get more insight into him than that -- but I'm hoping he opens up more. John's going to have to work hard to overcome his over-eagerness. That's not something that's going to work on a girl like THAT (it works on me like a charm, but then again -- I've never really had anyone who was over-eager to be with me so maybe I just think it would work on me.), but then again who knows?

I have SO got to get a hobby. One thing I WAS right about -- she saved all the fat guys last time so she could eliminate 'em this time. No one over 200 lbs is left. It's kind of sad.

I'm off to concoct some more Average theories.

Weekend Highlights, literally

So, I didn't even mention that I was at the hairdressers because I was revamping my highlights. Wound up having a significant portion of my hair hacked off too. I really like it. I think it makes it a lot bouncier, which suits my personality (on the 10 1/2 days per month that I'm actually in a good mood). I don't think that Scott is crazy about the shortness, but the nice thing is that when I like my hair enough then I don't need the validation at all. It's VERY unusual for me to not need the validation, so that means I really like the hair.

We went on a double date last night with my friend Karey and her boyfriend Kevin. We went to a bar for karaoke and I'm really starting to realize how old I am when I go out. After a while, the loud music and all the smoke really gets on me. And I'm still a social smoker, but barely. I smoke just enough that I feel silly for still doing it. But, I digress. None of us wound up singing, just wound up going back to Scott's place to hang out and play drunk Jenga apparently. That was weird. I was essentially mocked for not having participated in too many drinking games. And now here I am going back to college and still missing out on all that!

Today, I went over and helped my friends Dave and Jen (sorry guys, I know you prefer the full-length version of your names but it's just not going to happen from me) try to get their house ready to be moved into next weekend. I did very little but they were apparently grateful even for the pathetically small amount of stuff I did. That's what was so hard for me when other people tried to help me do things in my house. I knew they wanted to be helpful and I knew I wanted their help but if I had to tell them exactly where I wanted everything and how I wanted it all the time, then I might as well do it myself. You feel like you WANT to help but you feel so powerless because no matter how you do someone else's stuff, it's just not going to be to their complete satisfaction. Still, they made me actively pine to have a house that I was attached to and wanted to fix up. I instantly began coveting a house project. It's ridiculous. I have at least 10 cosmetic things I could do around here and that's just from the top of my head. But, I don't love this house and I never will. It just doesn't feel like HOME. I don't walk in the door and breathe a sigh of relief... I wonder how soon I can get out and do something again. It's sad. I always thought that I would wind up being a putterer. Becoming an HGTV addict and learning how to do things and so forth. I never did.

So, even knowing that it's within my power to do all of the stuff that they are doing around their house, I still can't get motivated to do it here. I do know that I will never buy a house again that I don't love enough to take care of. I think that Scott has the putterer desire too and has done some minor things around his house, but he also hasn't done as many things as he would like to do. I don't think it goes to the bizarre level of him not being attached to his house, because he seems to like it a lot -- I'm not really sure what his reason is. Finances, perhaps -- because that's part of mine. Plus, I always envisioned myself puttering WITH someone. Getting into home projects together and learning how to do things and then actually doing them.

It's love, Home Depot style.

I think that the advent of all the fixer-up shows that focus on couples (Trading Spaces, While You Were Out and Designing for the Sexes to name a few) has created this vision that that's what domestic bliss really means. Plus I grew up watching my parents do things together... Well, my mom nagged my dad into doing various projects and he just went along.

It's funny because even though Home Depot is the "man store", it's creation was really necessitated by a bunch of women bugging their significant others to do projects around the house...

Anyways, I'm rambling into overtime now and Carnivale will be on any minute. It's still really weird and I still don't really get it. I imagine they'll be getting ready to cancel it by the time I figure out if I really like it or not!

HP

I have to get ready for my evening, but needed to throw some randoms out...

Was at the hair salon today and saw the ugliest woman I have ever seen in my life. I always feel sorry for people who are just empirically unatractive. What is there to work with there? Wax your brows, babe -- at least then you'll have two. My goodness. I hate to be so cruel but she was ugly and then she had the ugly girl personality that goes along with it. Whining about how mistreated she is by the world and the little things that people in her office do that just bug her. Not to mention how she got into the lengthy discussion about how implanting computer chips into children is a good thing because then they can never really be lost.

O-kay.

Also, I realized last night that old people will keep all you can eat cheapie buffets alive forever. Here's why... As our grandparents slowly pass away, we will start going to those kind of places out of nostalgia for the days that Nana took us there... Next thing you know -- we're the old people at the Country Kitchen Buffet. It just happens.

Note to the few men out there -- if your wife/girlfriend/significant other says that they are starting to look old, this is NOT an invitation to not only agree, but point out in exactly what ways they are starting to look old. This is a plea for a relatively sincere sounding statement that we look younger every day and by God you must have found the fountain of youth baby!

My apologies to Dave for not giving him his props for actually commenting on my Richie Riches piece. I think I was still in shell shock from his suggestion that I read something that doesn't involve single British or Irish girls trying to get laid. I mean, seriously -- has he met me??

Look for a review of Rose's search for love via booty networking, coming soon to a blog near you!

Ciao!

Guess what your neighbors are studying, Katrina?

Oh my God, oh my GOD! The things I learn from stumbling across random blogs.

This is going to seem too dirty and ridiculous to be true. The "study" was done by NC State. Seriously, how exactly was this study done? Who put together the research? A man, I'm guessing. It sounds like something you'd find in The Onion, NOT cnn.com.

I mean, the woman used fellate as a VERB. Is it a verb??

What a weird way to start my day!

And the worst part is that I can't go chit-chatting with my cube partner about it because that's the fast track to the unemployment line, isn't it?

PLEASE comment on this... How can you NOT comment on this??

"sunshine coming out of your ass"

Sometimes I think rain is God's way of being melodramatic. (I don't care about the meteorological explanation for rain -- I think that pollen is flammable for pity's sake. Don't ask.)

God looks down from his little vantage point and sees us little humans living our little human lives and not appreciating all the sunshine we've got coming out of our asses... So, he thinks, "Piss on you for just expecting me to HAND you all this useless beauty."

And then he does.

I've gone and found my own silver lining at a fairly ironic time... It's like this... I have these bumps and frustrations and bullshit in my life to appreciate how great my life was before. I wasn't unhappy before these things happen and I have to step back and realize that this one thing hasn't completely upset my universe to the point that I can't be happy ever again. I'm just not extremely happy right now. That's all.

And that's okay. Believe it or not, I do not expect to be happy all of the time. I like it when I am, I don't like it when I'm not -- I think that's normal. I don't feel like I've been "cheated" when I'm not happy. I just want the happy part to start up again.

And you know what? It usually does. Tony Kahlua will make a joke an unexpected time. Rose will call when I'm not expecting it. Scout actually makes plans and sticks to them. A customer will be particularly friendly and appreciative of my help. Scott will ask me if I've lost weight.

I'm a drama queen. I don't like it. I've toned it down A LOT, and there are many who have (somehow) lived through some of my high drama days who can tell the tale about how much more dramatic I have been. The work disappointments that threw me into black moods that would last for weeks. The break-ups that I didn't want to get out of bed over, sometimes so much so that I would pop a few Tylenol PM in the morning to prevent myself from waking up. The fights with friends that pretty much kept Verizon in business because of all the back and forth sharing of details. Drama drama drama.

I hate it. You hate it. They hate it. But, it's a gene that never really dies. It calms down with age. But PMS and 2 or 3 other silly things in a row can cause it to perk its head up, adjust its tiara and say, "You called?"

But, piss on it. The sun's gonna shine out of my behind one way or another. And if the people stare, then the people stare. I really don't know, I really don't care.

Sorry, those Smiths' references will get the better of you, won't they?

So, the next time it's raining and you're crabby and owly because you're wishing you could just go outside without having to get cold and soaked... Well, appreciate all the days it wasn't raining before that, okay?

I know I will.

Am I blue? So what if I am??

I would like to think that I am the kind of person who takes disappointment well. There's the initial reaction of shock and disappointment, which is followed closely by drinking and chain-smoking which is gradually followed by passing out, hangover then acceptance. (I'm mostly kidding.)

I guess it depends on the level of disappointment. Minor things I take in stride pretty well, I think. I do some whining, bitching, moaning and complaining. Often will get a little teary but usually pretty fiery. And then I make my peace with whatever the disappointing thing is and move on. Although, it will typically take a little while for the snarky comments post-disappointment to drop. Sarcasm is my defense mechanism of choice, accept THAT or please keep moving. This is not the booth for you.

So, I've had a couple of minor disappointments in a row and so my game is a little off. Add a dash of PMS and you have Heather who is in need of a quart of Ben & Jerry's and big hugs. Awww.... Poor Heather -- you deserve better than these minor disappointments, don't you??

I admit it, I like to be mollycoddled sometimes. I do not view this as a character flaw. I do not look on pity as being a bad thing. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be pitied daily. There's no need for that. I have food (well, questionable -- but I have phone service so I can always dial Papa John's), shelter, employment, blah blah blah...

But then again, don't you hate that shit too? People trying to point out your damned silver linings when you just want to have a pity me day? Can't they just let it go for ONE day? If I am still pouting 24 hours after initial receipt of minorly disappointing news, then YES! Wrap me up in my silver linings and hang me from the rafters for not appreciating them, but can you give me a minute?? Is it so wrong for me to feel disappointment? Just because the stuff that happens isn't catastrophically awful doesn't mean that I can't feel a little bit bad about it, right? I'm entitled. No one begrudges me the other range of emotions when BIG things happen, right? The minor things deserve to be recognized. They've done their part to interrupt your life a little, you deserve to show them their propers by being a little down.

I'm not going to justify it any longer. It is what it is. I'm having a pout and that's all. I'll be pout free and back to my typical Pollyanna with serious attitude tomorrow.

But tonight -- funk city! <--- Was that a disco song? If not, we should revive disco just so we can write it!

HP

one fish, two fish

Some random things that I have thought about and wanted to blog about but haven't had the energy to devote one entire blog to...

I heard on the radio this morning some new theory that Oprah stresses people out. They see how there's all these things they could be doing or should be doing to improve their lives and it's not possible to do it and they're stressed out. Yeah. Ok. I've watched Oprah plenty and I never felt stressed out. I felt REALLY poor, but not stressed out.

The Average Joe chick strives to be better than she is. She's trying to act like she's this really nice person underneath her paper thin facade and I'm not buying it. Not til she falls in love with the fat guy. Or the guy whose teeth are all the same size. I was expounding on some of my "theories" to HP2 and she was (mock?) impressed that I had these theories. I realized I need to get a life.

Scott has this thing that he does, when I say how much something costs he will follow the amount with AMERICAN?! In faux shock. For example.
Me: My roots are a mess and I'm saving to get my highlights done before it becomes a Greek tragic situation.
Scott: Uh-huh (feigning interest) -- and how much would something like that cost? The highlight thing?
me: $55 (grossly undercutting what the REAL cost is out of shame)
Scott: AMERICAN?!

My friend in Korea, Kiosk, thought this was somehow for her benefit. So she wouldn't think I was talking about some other country's currency. (I referenced this joke in my Richie Rich blog) Which brings to mind an interesting point. When he says AMERICAN?! I would like to retort with some other country's currency that's worth very little but I don't know any other country's currency, because well. I'm dumb and I don't go anywhere. I would prefer an obscure country, like Chandler's favorite Yemen. AMERICAN?! No! YEMEN!

Not much feedback on the Richie Riches "piece." Fame and fortune are ever elusive Siamese twins slipping from my grasp.

Ick, when I attempt to be symbolic that desperately it's time to go to bed and finish this crappy (and it's compellingly crappy, but crappy nonetheless) Candace Bushness novel 4 Blondes. Don't read it. Ever. It's just not very good. The problem is it's not bad enough to make me stop reading. And I want to.

your AMERICAN?! idol,
HP

"...looking for ideas"

The above comes from one of my favorite comedian schpiels... Why do adults always ask little kids what they want to be? Because they are looking for ideas. "Hmmm, a ballerina you say? Maybe I could do that TOO!"

This is where I am. I'm now facing the daunting task of taking classes that I may have to do real work in. It's not that there's no work in the class I'm taking now, but as expected I'm just not incredibly motivated because I'm taking the class online. Most of the time, I'm in my pajama's and it's the night before the assignment's due and I'm spewing out half-cocked answers to the assignments just so I can get credit.

Little has changed since my last educational foray.

It's time to sign up for classes for the Spring and I have no idea what I want to take. Other than something easy that doesn't require me to read or write a lot of big words. Or anything boring. As it turns out, this is not as easy as it sounds. I know that this is shocking to... well, no one.

I've thought about Poly Sci but I'm not political and the thought of having to develop opinions on current events hurts my head. We've already discussed my level of ignorance on this subject, there's no reason to cause me further undue pain by going into it again. I've also thought about Philosophy, but I'm not very deep either. I'm so shallow that I didn't even fully understand the course DESCRIPTION. I've thought about History, but that stuff is so old. (That was a joke, for those of you in the cheap seats.) I've thought about Public Speaking and was pretty excited about that prospect but then I realized that I would have to listen to OTHER people talk, too. Not so interesting to me, as it turns out.

I need to get some English and Math stuff out of the way, but I have to go to a placement test for that and I don't have time. Plus they want $4 (AMERICAN!) to tell me how dumb I am and how they're not sure that I have the skills necessary to balance a checkbook... Much less spell checkbook. Not really interested in that, either.

But, it's midnight. I'll have to make to think about it again tomorrow. After all, :::swooning::: tomorrow is another day!

Richie Riches

I just watched the America Undercover special on HBO, Born Rich. It was very interesting... One thing that I am definitely guilty of is pigeon-holing rich people into this category of people who must be happy because they have money. The fact of the matter is that when you are brought up without riches then you have to figure out what you want to do to accomplish having money in your life. Finding that thing that brings you enough money to live satisfactorily makes most people "happy." But, what if you don't have to find "that thing"? Then what?

Some background about the show... The heir to the Johnson & Johnson fortune wanted to do this documentary about what it was like to grow up rich because he was brought up to believe that you don't talk about money... So, no one ever does. I, myself, who have NO money have often said that money is the last sacred subject in our society. I have very little idea what any of my friends make annually, although they probably know fairly well what I make because I'm at the starting point of my career and it was a oft-discussed topic when I made the career change... The salary I would be receiving because it was a step down from my last job. I really don't know how my parents are doing financially nor any of my other relatives for that matter. I know they're not broke -- but I don't know HOW not broke they are, if that makes any sense. But, I digress. So, this heir wanted to make the movie and his father was very much against it, said that he would have a hard time agreeing to talk about money and how it affects their lives. But he did manage to get 10 "rich kids" (MASSIVE understatement) to talk about what it's like to know that you don't HAVE to work ever.

It was very interesting, actually. I did find myself repeatedly inwardly snorting, "Yeah like that's so rough." Things like how awkward it was for Josiah Hornblower to find out that he owned Grand Central Station. (He actually rides the subway everywhere versus taking limo's, which I thought was kind of quaint.) Or the director Jamie Johnson talking about how his grandfather didn't want the family working at Johnson & Johnson, so as a result he's not entitled to buy their products in the company store as an "employee" and get 50% off... He pays retail for band-aids that have his name on them. On the one hand you think, well it's not like he can't afford it! But on the other, that's a little odd, right?

They all go to party at the same place in the Hamptons and some of them were complaining about the fact that they keep going to this same club over and over again. The club's owner was explaining that there was a 2 bottle minimum per table, and the minimum cost per bottle was $250! American. It takes me a full working week to earn what they spend in one night out drinking. That definitely caused me to lose some sympathy. So, many stereotypes were repeatedly reinforced. Ivanka Trump has a "rich" voice. (I can't explain this without audio, but if you know me and you want to hear what that sounds like... Gimme a call and I'll do an impression. If not, think about someone who has friends named Buffy and uses the word summer as a verb and you've got an idea of the inflection that I'm referring to.) They don't date outside of their rich kids circle, because their lifestyle would be too hard to explain -- not to mention the infernal problem of the Pre-nup, the importance of which they are VERY in tune with since it's been drilled into their heads from a very young age.

Some of the more interesting comments came from the directors asking point blank questions. Like, what would you do if you actually had your hands on all the money you're supposed to inherit? Juliet Hartford (who was heiress to some fortune I don't even remember) said, "I'd give it all to the homeless!" And then laughed hysterically as if this were a ridiculous concept. (It was a "rich" laugh too -- ha! ha! ha! Good one chap!) Luke Weil (more on him in a minute, he's the heir some gaming industry thing), when asked about the guilt associated with having all of that money, said that guilt was for "old women and nuns." O-kay.

He actually tried to legally prevent Jamie Johnson from releasing the film with him in it. He claimed that his signature was asked for "sheepishly and submissively" or something and he didn't really know that he was agreeing. In other words, hey sign this -- it doesn't really mean anything, I just need it for the people. Jamie's lawyer said tha the "irony of making a movie about wealthy people is that their very wealth allows them to have the money to sue you if they are unhappy with what you say." I thought that was one of the best parts! It's funny because it's true!


All of the reviews I have read keep focusing on how the movie wraps with Jamie's big 21st birthday celebration, which is basically done in the style of a 1920's flapper era kind of theme. There's champagne everywhere and the rich kids are laughing and having a grand time foo-fooing one another... But I hardly noticed it because while you see all of this pomp and decadence, Jamie's making his summarizing comments in the voiceover. And the most profound remark was "what you inherit may not be as valuable as what you earn." And I thought, wow. It's true that it's a "poor little rich boy" Charles Dickens kind of life lesson, but it's absolutely true.

I still don't feel sorry for people that were born into billionaire inheritances, but if they wanted to pay me to have pity I might be willing to work that out....

WE JUST HIT 1000!

So, the statistics are in and I just happened to check them when it shows 1000 hits! I don't know how I made it to this point, but thanks to everyone who may have made that possible!

I realize it's only about 20 people who have read the blog 50 times, but I'm willing to take what I can get!!

Thanks!

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