I'm going to catch shit for this

It's over. The election thing. That guy won. I can't believe it. My friend said, "Heather, I had no idea you were such an outraged liberal!" (Note: this was taken out of context and not meant in a derogatory way, more like "I didn't realize you liked mashed potatoes.") I admitted I didn't know it either until this election rolled around and I gave some good hard thought to how much we had been lied to by our President and just didn't like the way that tasted.

My friend had some good points that I would like to share. My friend said that we liberals have become a little arrogant in our views, because we get so high-minded when it comes to people who don't agree with our views -- the Bushies. The fact is, my friend points out, over half the country CLEARLY does agree with this. We can call them brain-washed, but they're saying the same things about us. What we are dealing with, my friend and I both agree, is a radical example of human nature at its finest. That is to say that human beings have an inate inabilility to recognize other viewpoints as being as equally valid as their own, for the most part. I completely agree with this. My point is that I am arrogant in my beliefs because I truly truly cannot understand why anyone would want to continue the presidency of someone who has willingly sent so many of our young people to die. Doesn't seem to have a good plan for making that stop. Someone who shows little to no interest in figuring out a way to fix the problem of the vast amount of uninsured people in this country. Is pretty much against separating church and state. And on and on and on.

My friend pointed out this election was about foreign policy and my friend's belief is that the reason why Bush made it and Kerry didn't is because Bush is willing to put on the tough face and kick the shit out of anyone who raises an eyebrow at us instead of sitting down and trying to talk about it diplomatically. You know what. I think this is a good point and I agree that this was a resounding reason why he was re-elected. Bush is able to be the big tough mean guy that's going to "keep us safe." The problem is that he has a little something to do (in not just my opinion) with why we aren't quite so safe. Compound THAT with the fact that he and his homies seem to feed the fear of the American public and I just get outraged again.

But, honestly. I hate to be defeatist, but what can I do? I voted. I voiced my opinion. Could I have done more? Probably. Did I? No. There is just no point spending four years in a state of moral outrage and pissiness and so forth. It's done. He's still running the show. All we can do is hope (and pray, for those of us who do that) that he doesn't continue to fuck up the country. That he sees the division as a real reason to make some changes. No, I don't believe that is going to happen -- but I can still hope it, can't I? It's done.

Another friend says My Country -- Right or Wrong and that wrong is the answer. I don't agree. We still live in country that allows us to choose who is going to run it. We still live in a country that allows us to be pissed off AND LOUDLY about who is running it. We still live in country that is pretty safe (and I DO believe this, even after 9/11 and everything after). No one is going to come to my house and shoot me in the head for choosing Kerry over Bush. We have freedom. We do. We can say that Bush is stripping it as much as he can, but we've still got a fuck ton more than a lot of other sorry bastards do. So, it's my country and we may be wrong but I still love it and I still believe we can make it through this.

But, I guess I'm just an eternal optimist. HA.

I was debating between two different titles for this blog. Either Vote Commando! or Tom Brokaw Makes My Panties Wet. Either way, someone might be offended.

Oh well.

Vote: Commando refers to my early morning vote. I decided last night to get up really early this morning and go vote to "beat the rush"... This will now be referred to as "beat the rush -- HA!" Before I realized that, however, I was up very early throwing on my clothes to go up and seriously considered not bothering to put on my undies since it was dark and I was tired and didn't feel like wriggling into them. I really just wanted to go in my pj's, but the political process is a serious thing (again: HA!) and really shouldn't be done while wearing leopard print silk pj's. Still, the urge to go command was strong. But, I fought it.

The line was LONG. I stood in line for an hour. Behind two Republicans. I was so tired that when they called A-K to the front of the line, I went. I didn't know the alphabet. One of the Republicans I stood in line with was really amused at my lack of knowledge at the alphabet. Hey, he was a pretty nice guy for a Republican so I'll let it slide. He just doesn't see what effect the President has over the economy or creating jobs since those things weren't spelled out as Presidential responsibilities in the Constitution. Huh. Well, I guess you have a point, sir. I don't bother to argue with them anymore, I learned my lesson when my father called me a brain-washed idiot last night. Huh.

Anyways, stood in line for an hour and cast my vote and then came home to have a cup of joe before I ran through the shower to get ready for work... While watching some morning tv, I got to see Tom Brokaw. Sigh. I really love him. Yes, he's old and he talks sort of strangely but he's just so friggin' smart and challenging that it's kind of sexy. And he's retiring. This is his last Presidential election -- can you imagine? Politics without Brokaw? How is this possible? Who is going to replace him? Has this already been decided and I didn't even notice... I've never been that into politics or even into being aware of current events, preferring the ostrich approach to most things in the real world, but I've always loved Tom Brokaw. Gonna miss him, the sexy beast.

It's 8am so I'll have to go shower and get ready to go to work. To my long long day at work answering the phone and pretending to be awake.

Go Vote -- I'd rather have you vote for the other guy than not vote at all, though it pains me to say it.

I got to thinking about something this morning and I can't seem to get it out of my head. And here you are inside...

There is probably a simple answer to this that I just never read far enough or long enough to figure out... I've been thinking about the President's approval rating. I don't really understand this concept. The media is forever talking about how the President's approval rating went up or down, and I recently read an article that stated that it is a known fact that the President's approval rating will go up by as much as 3 points whenever the terror alert is raised. What I want to know is -- where is this rating coming from? Are there people randomly polled? Is it done by phone or a man on the street? How is the question rated? "Do you approve of the President?" Are the same people always called? "How do you feel about him RIGHT NOW?" Is there some criteria you have to meet before being able to say you approve or disapprove of the job the President is doing? Do you have to take a test? Is there an SOL for this?

I'm curious in part because while I have been inundated with political messages (ha -- no more of that since I lost the answering machine) and mailers, no one has EVER called me to ask if I approve of the job the President is doing. Nor have I ever been stopped on the street and polled for this information. So, who are these people? Where do they live? I don't get it.

And finally, in more of our continuing series on how Heather gets all of her news from Comedy Central if you didn't get a chance to see last weeks South Park then you really must before the election. I haven't seen anything that hit the issues and malfunctions that surround this entire campaign more than those badly drawn kids -- oh my God. I haven't laughed that hard since... Well, since the last time I laughed that hard!

I slept well for the first time in ages and woke up to one of my (new) all time favorite movies on HBO this morning (Somethings Gotta Give) -- it's going to be a very good day! Tonight we're going on a double date that isn't a date but it is and doing company stuff. It's yet another time that I'm missing all the Halloween stuff, which I'm bummed about. I was invited to one cool party and would have crashed another that I WASN'T invited to... I mean, HONESTLY -- is it not time to let old dramas friggin' die already and be around people that were formerly uncomfortable situations again? It's totally ridiculous. I'm well over 30 and married, I could give a crap about the situation that (I assume) kept me from getting an invite to this other party and yet it continues to rage on. Oh well. Guess I'll have to look forward to seeing pictures of everyone in their spooky wear -- I'll be "dressy casual" this evening.

Now if only I could figure out what the fuck THAT means. Dressy casual. Think I'm going to wear a sequined top and pajama pants!

VH-1 has a show called The Best Week Ever that is one of my favorite shows. It's basically a round-up of all the pop culture happenings, but includes "real news" as well. This week if they were going to make a show about my life, I think it would be called The Dumbest Week Ever, because I have felt on the low end of the intelligence scale this week.

It started when we rolled back into town after my friend Katrina's wedding. The first draft of my research paper had been mailed back to me with all of the needed revisions. I realized that even if I made all the revisions and did them PERFECTLY the best I could hope to get on the paper was a C. And that's IF I max out on all the points she's allotting for the revisions. (I wouldn't be so marginal on the 'C' if this hag hadnt refused to accept a stage in this research paper process because we didn't turn it into her office when she wasn't at class the night it was due -- but that is a long story that just feeds my ulcer.) So, basically I'm looking at 'D' on the paper more likely than not. Which blows. I feel DUMB to be looking at getting a D on anything. I don't feel like a D student and it's depressing to realize that this friggin' class with this worthless teacher is going to cost me my 4.0 gpa. But, I also realize that part of my grade is based on my poor attitude about the class and my inability to take it seriously enough to really do the work -- which just plays back into my feeling dumb.

Next up, work life. I have moved to a new unit in the last month or so where my responsibilities are now 99% related to issuing Homeowners Insurance. The move means that I am now reporting to a new "senior." Whenever someone wants something that is outside of the box, it has to be sent over to an Underwriter for approval. (An example of something outside of the box in Insurance World would be an older house with old electrical systems; someone who works out of their home and has lots business inventory in the house; or someone who has a had a lot of property claims.) Before it goes to the Underwriter, my senior reviews it and makes a recommendation. My senior is somewhat old school and MUCH more thorough than I am. I came to work on Wednesday morning and three out of four of the referrals I sent over the day before had been kicked back to me because they were lacking information or didn't have enough of the right information. This, too, made me feel really dumb because, like my school work, I have always really prided myself on my referrals. I have often been told that they are very good, very thorough, and my seniors in the past have always agreed with my recommendations. But, it's a new ball game. One of my first seniors used to talk very candidly with me about other people's referrals and how they missed the same things over and over and how lacking they were in most ways. I don't ever want anyone to think that about me. I take my work pretty seriously (though I'll grant most people would be a little surprised by that) and it's really important to me to have people respect what I do there. Not because I'm interested in climbing the corporate ladder or anything but just because I don't want to make anyone's life any harder than it has to be because that just comes back to bite you in the ass. So, I felt really bad about that. Took a while to get over. But, what're you going to do?

And then there was the Wine Festival yesterday, for the personal life aspect of my "Dumbest Week Ever" show. I got really schnockered and made a bit of an ass out of myself, in front of my husband's co-workers. Oops. It was the strangest thing. One minute I had a happy buzz on, buying some wine, and then the next I turned the corner onto Full On Drunk St. and was flashing on-lookers. (What IS it about me and flashing my boobs whenever I've been drinking? I swear I never did this before New Orleans so that is the only explanation I can come up with.) I don't like getting that drunk, I don't know why I do it other than "it seems like a good idea at the time". But I don't like how dumb I feel the next day when everyone tells me all the stupid things I do. This makes me feel dumb. Other people get drunk and they manage to keep their boobs in their shirts -- why can't I? It's not a good feeling and I'm having all kinds of day-after remorse. Which is THE worst kind of "dumb", because you can't change it -- you can't fix it or make it not happened. I can't cover my eyes and pretend it didn't happen. I only hope that I have really learned my lesson this time and can be just a LITTLE more moderate next time. But, don't bet the farm on it.

So, that's it. The Dumbest Week Ever. I'm sure this is what led to my "maybe I shouldn't blog anymore" post. I'm just frustrated with myself for letting myself down. I recognize that I do have high expectations of myself and that I beat myself up a lot when I don't meet them, I just don't know how to stop doing it.

I started the folowing post from work a few days ago...

Talk the talk?

I am really starting to think that I am an introvert. This will shock the shoes off of most people who know me but I can’t think of any other explanation…

My best friend got married this weekend and I was in the wedding. It was a beautiful occasion – something right out of Bride magazine, swear. I was surrounded by her friends and those she held most dear and was embarrassed to find myself nearly crippled with the prospect of carrying on even the most basic of small talk. All I seemed to be able to do was talk about how I couldn’t talk. This is not normal.

I’ve been thinking about my social circle at work. I know quite a few people around my office but am close with but a scant few. And even then, close is in a “work sense.” I eat lunch with the same people every day and that’s an exercise in anti-socializing right there – we each read or do the crossword puzzle or both. When it’s the same people every day, you can only do but so much catching up and who wants to talk about work in the only break you get?

>>> And now here it is a few days later and I still haven't posted. I feel like I've lost my knack, my blogging edge. Part of it is this introversion thing that's coming over me. The inability to really relate to vast amounts of people the way that I used to. Part of it has been my friggin' writing class at school. It's EXTREMELY demoralizing to take Freshman Comp at 31 and realize that all the years you thought you could turn a clever and intelligent phrase were just a dream. I barely have the desire to sit in front of the computer and type out a phrase. It's just not what I intended... And then, I was introduced to Cattiva's blog. ("Does this mean I'm a grown-up" over on the side.) I love it -- it's got so much of what I started out blogging for. The witty little insights into silly little things that have happened. I think I used to be pithier. Or something. Now I feel like I'm preachy or whining and neither one of these things were where I want to be. That's just so cookie cutter and I'm not really about cookie cutters. I don't even bake, for pity's sake. Back to Catt in a minute...

I think part of that is because I started sending more and more people links over here and telling them that I was out here blogging and then I felt pressured to put out a good product and that just led to me either not blogging or whining and being preachy. (HUGE run-on sentence, and then I wonder why I get bad grades in English? Oy!) Because, I was telling all these people to read and I didn't want to say things to offend them or shock them or whatever. Silly. I'm just as likely to say things to shock or offend them to their faces as I am here in this blog.

So, Catt. She's out there, doing that witty anecdote thing and talking about her family. Sheesh, her tribute to her daughter just made ME want to have kids, for pity's sake. And we all know how unlikely THAT is. (Despite people holding polls about the question as a new parlour game.) So, if I'm not writing as much as I used to -- pop in on Catt's blog and you'll see what I admire in blogging. (Ish, what kind of sycophant have I become?)

I'm off to eat the rest of my dictionary and contemplate my introversion and the direction of blogging, etc. Maybe I'll chill out with the Bloom County gang for a while. I always liked that dude in the wheelchair -- Cutter John? What was his name?

You know who I mean.

Please do not dump a lot of hatorade on me for what I'm about to say.

I don't know much about politics and what goes on in the world today. This is inexcusable but I've just been so busy examining my navel for most of my life that I've been unable to focus on much else. I realize in retrospect that this is not quite as good of an excuse as I had orginally thought. So, I'm trying.

One of my known readers has recently blogged about those who vote without information. I admit to having fallen into this category in the past. I wanted to be part of the process, I wanted to be a voter, so I voted. I tried to be informed, after all I have some basic ideologies, and tried to vote for the people who seemed to represent these same ideologies...

And here we are today.

I'm trying to get informed. I've been watching the debates and here are some of the things I've gathered. The Republicans seem to like to take key phrases and pepper them through the party and through the media outlets that they control. ("wrong war, wrong time", "global test", "flip-flopper", etc) It makes me sick to hear the same phrases over and over and over again. Sound bites, buzz words, catch phrases, whatever you want to call it -- makes me feel like someone is trying to manipulate me and I don't like it.

I'll go on record saying this -- Bush screwed up getting us into this war but in some ways you have to admire his tenacity for sticking to the decision no matter how screwed up it is. I would like to believe that the reason for this is because he feels it is important to show a strong face as the President and not let his guard down. I would LIKE to believe this, but I don't. I think that he really thinks he's doing the right thing continuing this mess and that scares the fuck out of me.

I appreciate the fact that Kerry seems to be a thinking man. He voted to go into Iraq based on the information he had and then has changed his position because there was no real reason for us to be there. Sure, Saddam Hussein was a bad ass mother, but he wasn't posing any imminent threat to the US. Or that's not the way I understand it. (See above.)

I don't know much about the budget either, but this deficit thing I'm thinking isn't a good thing. If I spent all of my household money and then spent way into the negatives, I think the bank would have some things to say about that. Maybe that's just me. I like that John Edwards said flat out tonight that they can't cure that problem -- honesty is so refreshing! Much more refreshing than denial and rhetoric. Cheney with his "I never said there was a connection between Iraq and 9/11" honestly made me gasp. I haven't been that shocked since the Mominator called out of the blue and asked Scott if he wanted any kittens...

Anyways, I'm not voting for Bush, I don't mind saying it. It's basically because I don't like his politics and I don't like his "people" and I think the amount of discord and hate that's been generated in this country under his administration is appalling. And scary.

But, what do I know? I'm just an uninformed American.

HOUSTON, WE HAVE BANGS

I've never been someone who has been afraid to experiment with my hair, especially the color. I think my coloring fetish probably began when my mother first told me that I could NOT color my hair ever. Many years later my defiance of this order would eventually lead me to become a cautionary tale known simply as "the Feria girl." (The short version is this -- if you think that you may ever want to have your hair PROFESSIONALLY colored then do NOT color privately with Feria.)

Nevertheless, none of this experimentation has led me into the bangs path. I lived in South Dakota for a while and had huge 80's like hair with teased bangs to boot. It's a powerful temptation to tease those suckers and I'm weak, I tell you, weak. AND I have a cowlick that encourages teasing, so I have avoided the bangs. Since moving out of the midwest I've taken some proud in having modern hair. (No, most people in the midwest do not have dated hair but it is a phenomenon that has no explanation.) But, lately so-called modern hair has been sporting a lot of bangs. I like the look on other people and have been drawn to it so many times but always back off because it's a commitment. Hair color is definitely not a commitment that can't be changed but hair length -- yes. (Unless you're Christina Aguilera and have a closet full of tracks as my hairdress likes to point out.) But, I caved. I already had a shorter piece around my face, it didn't seem like much of a leap. I realized this wasn't the case when I got home and my napping husband's first response was "you got bangs."

I should say that Scott has never been one of those men who's particularly adament about what I should or shouldn't do with my hair. You know what I mean -- "I can't cut my hair, George just LOOOOVES my long hair." Fuck George, he isn't washing it, drying it, buying products for it, staring at its split ends, can't see when it's windy, can't drive with the windows down, blah blah blah. George will get used to short hair, damn it! Frankly, that is the kind of spiteful bitch I am, which I admit isn't always conducive to the most tender of relationships. However, this is the only thing that I'm pretty rampantly a feminazi about. I just feel like there enough pressure from society to look a certain way, and damn it George can't you just love me with my buzz cut? (Why am I picking on George?? I don't even know anyone named George!)

Where was I? Oh, Scott... So yes, he's never been one of those "don't cut your hair, don't dye your hair, don't wash your hair, etc" guys. He has opinions, but he really doesn't care as long as I look somewhat normal and not scare him when he wakes up. But one thing he's been pretty insistent about is that he doesn't like bangs, doesn't want me to have them. Who knows? Perhaps this is the driving force in getting them -- to show him! But, actually it turned out that Scott didn't really know what bangs were. He thought it meant I would have that page boy thing going on with the thick, curled under thing. I realized this when I started asking what he thought about certain actress's hairstyles. "Do you like HER hair? How about if I cut my hair like that?" Many times I would get at least a moderately positive response and would have to explain that THOSE were bangs. Granted, no matter how much he said he liked it, he always followed it with "why can't you just keep your hair the same?" but I'm not going for an overwhelming endorsement -- I just need a little push.

I'm not sure about the bangs. I think they look pretty cute but I forgot about the impractical part -- just how often they get in the way and how I don't really know what to do with them.

Let me say this (especially to Lori if you're still out there and aren't plotting my demise and torture): it's just hair. And if I like it or don't like it, it doesn't matter. I LOVE the person who does my hair (see Ode to my Hairdress, 3/1/04) and enjoy my frequent hair visits because it means I get to visit with HER frequently. If I don't like the bangs, it doesn't mean I don't like the artist. I knew going in there that I might not like it. I've been with her longer than I've been with some of my friends AND my husband -- I'm not going anywhere. Scott says I shouldn't share with her his "you got bangs" comment. Maybe not. But, it's just hair and I hope that she doesn't ever think I'm diminishing her abilities if something doesn't work for me. If it doesn't work, we'll do something different next time. Besides, some of the things I wasn't that crazy about at first I wound up really loving after a while. It's all a matter of adaptation. And it's just hair!

"You might be procrastinating writing your research paper when..."

*you can't fight the urge to blog, which has been absent for the last several days

*you have the urge to exercise and get fresh air, both of which are usually dreaded more than going to the dentist in the average person

*you wish you had a dental appointment, as getting your teeth drilled is a less painful alternative than the idea of sitting down and putting your rambling thoughts into a coherent paper

*you consider watching football with your sleeping spouse

*you do laundry or dishes, vacuum, or mentally redesign your bathroom/kitchen/whole f-ing house

*you feel compelled to do Math homework

*you decide it's time to finish writing those thank you notes from your (no-so)recent wedding

*you offer to cook dinner

*you catch up on your correspondence, phone calls with the air of one who is about to do hard time in prison

*you clean the catbox

*you start trying to write your Christmas list or trying to come up with things to do for New Years Eve

*you shop online... after all, many presents to buy for coming events, can't put that off!

*you play Solitaire as if you were about to enter a national competition

*you actually balance your checkbook

*you consider dropping out of school but realize you would have to pay back your employer since it's after the official Add/Drop date

And therefore, you go back to writing your research paper....

Every now and again I have one of those "I'm really NOT single anymore -- duh!" moments. You may laugh because this seems like such an obvious thing to realize but it doesn't always sink in. Considering that I spend many nights staring over the top of my computer at the living embodiment of my lack of singleness, it surprises me too.

The lack of singleness is particularly glaring on Monday morning when I am asked what I did all weekend and I have to struggle to remember. And not for the same reasons that I used to struggle to remember. (Those glaring reminders that I WASN'T single.) I would struggle to find a story that could be shared with the rest with my fellow cube-mates that wouldn't land me in HR. There were times it was more of a struggle than others. Domesticity doesn't have the same juicy vignettes, as it turns out. It's not that I'm bored, it's that I miss the juicy tidbits.

After all, the juiciest thing that happens in my married life is if we have a "run in." And while it used to be fun to pick those things apart with anyone and everyone willing to listen, when you're married you join a cult. A Relationship Cult. You don't talk about the run-ins or the imperfections. That would mar the dream for everyone else, especially my single friends. They all need to believe that what they pine for is WORTH pining for, or what would be the point?? So, you don't share your run-ins and this can often leave much out of the recounting of your weekend. Not to mention leaving your blog a little lacking in material.

What's the answer? Talk about the spats and pick them apart for all of your friends (and all of the internet)? I'm against that. The spats tend to expand to the nth degree when exposed to air. However, sitting on the spats has been known to cause hemorrhoids. (This is scientific fact, my friends.) I've often thought about trying to pick up some hobby that I could get really into to exorcise the Spat Demons, but what if we were in a heavy spat zone and I crocheted 17 sweaters? I'm thinking someone would figure this to be a sign.

So, it's the Relationship Cult that keeps your tales short and your blogs less bloggy. Because the fact is if I were posting some of the stuff that comes up in arguments, it really could make some people laugh til they peed in their pants. I'm not making this up, it's crazy. This weekend it was about grapes. I mean, seriously. Grapes. It doesn't get any sillier than this.

I guess I should take that grapes of wrath stuff more seriously next time, huh?

I've been worshipping at the altar of my rabbit again. If you can get past the subject line, scroll down to the 9/15 piece and there we have the single person's take on "The Child Thing." I LOVE the fact that she calls herself a "thirty-something childless whore who loves her dog a little too dearly".

It's not that I regret taking the leap into settled down and NOT swingle, but it's comments like that that make me miss that attitude of being single and not settled down. The busting doors down and Full Heather Jacket in your face attitude. Frankly, it didn't win me a lot of friends or influence anyone, but damn it -- it was fun for me. And in the overall scheme, who matters more? If I'm fun for everyone else and not for me, what is the friggin' point??

As for winning friends and influencing people, just to digress -- I can't really be bothered to do that even now. I mean, shit, I don't even have time for the friends I have NOW -- how dare I try to bring anyone else into the ranks? It's some weird addiction to people that makes me keep reaching out, maybe. There's this girl in my math class that's pretty cool. We joke together about how taxed our brains are. It really brings me back to high school and Grace Shen and I in the back of Algebra II/Trig, Sophomore year. That was maybe some of the most fun I had in high school... Anyways, enough on that some other time. Perhaps in Heather's long lost friends episode. (Note just for me: this will always make me think of sexually transmitted diseases, eh?) Where was I? Ah, girl in math class. I realized that I wished we could become friends when she uttered the phrases "conjunction junction, what's your function?" right after it had just ran through my head. 'This is not a reference everyone is familiar with, these people don't grow on trees, get her in the fold!" my brain was screaming.

But, I can't. I don't exactly have the Midas touch when it comes to acquiring new friends. More often than not, after people become friends with me their lives inevitably just get fucked up. It's a weird coincidence and I'm not saying that *I* am to blame, but it has happened more than once which is cause for pause. If, shortly after becoming friends with me, your boyfriend were to dump you and then force you into a situation where you still had to live with him as his roommate because you couldn't find anywhere else to live... If, shortly after becoming friends with me, you leave your relatively secure job for a new exotic position which turned out to be managed by a psycho and then when you were laid off were prevented from returning to the previous secure job because of the previously mentioned psycho... Well, if these things happened to you, you'd be wondering about the kharma too. I'm just saying.

Off to the dump to rid my car of boxes -- woo hoo!

It's been rather random inside Heather's head... Here are some of the things I jotted down that I wanted to throw on the blog...

I got to talk to My Diane, one of my favorite people in the world last night, and she was asking about the wedding. And I was like OH, that was soooo long ago. I think she thought something was remiss with my tone, but it's no -- it was just so long ago. It's amazing how 2 months can seem like such a long time when things that happened years and years ago seem to have just happened. I am ALWAYS amazed by this -- it's one of the most intriguing parts about getting older, to me.

Diane says she doesn't have a savings plan for retirement because her plan is for her kids to be rich and take care of her. I replied that I have Scott for this. He replied with a big, booming Scott-like HA!

We don't really want to be rich though, Diane and I, we just want to have enough money to take a trip. I think she feels a little guilty that she couldn't come to the wedding. To which I responded -- I would rather have you visit my MARRIAGE than my wedding, then you can really see what it's like and I can really get to spend time with you.

Other thoughts... Sometimes when someone asks me something, I get so wrapped up in my explanation that I have actually forgotten the question. I'm searching their faces that my answer is getting closer to the question, some sort of sign. Sometimes I see it and I'll keep talking about what I'm talking about. Wouldn't it be easier to just admit that I've forgotten the question or didn't understand it?

"The Apprentice" is back and it's better than ever -- my tv addiction will never end! I get so irritated whenever the men isolate a woman to be fired and I always think "Oh it's because she's a woman and she's strong..." But in the reverse situation, I always think "Oh the man's an ass and he deserves it!" Um, oops! [Sidenote: Cannot BELIEVE that Bradford was so dumb he let himself get fired when he had a FREEBIE! Dumb dumb dumb -- he deserved to be fired!]

Favorite Apprentice quotes: "Mosaic is kicking our ass in such a big way and we don't even know it."

"You could put dog feces in this that ice cream and it is going to taste good."

Yikes -- seriously need to go to work!

Shameless plug for my fabulous husband's blog: http://parttimesuperhero.blogspot.com/

He's deviated from the Mominator story, but truthfully -- who wants to talk about THAT?

My topic won't be quite so serious. In fact, I am now vowing to not read HIS stuff before posting my own because it just makes me feel even more shallow. Ha, as if it were possible for me to feel MORE shallow! ("As opposed to being from the planet 'look at me, look at me'")

Speaking of being shallow, it's amazing to me that as I add new and more costly things to my list of beauty indulgences, ultimately the only purpose they ever seem to serve is to add to my ever-present burden of guilt over... everything really. Not sure where all this guilt came from.

Here's an example. I got my first facial this weekend at this eclectic spa in Richmond. [Sidenote: doesn't it make me sound oh-so chi-chi to have gone all the way to Richmond just to go to a spa? If you'd been to the spa, you would see, however, why I chose to use the word eclectic. I mean, when you're scheduling a group of four people, does it NOT make sense to have 4 different people to provide their services? I'm just saying... Not that I'm bitter about this.] During the course of the facial, I basically felt as though I was confessing all of the ways in which I had sinned against my face, while in a chair that closely resembled the dentist. This just made me more confused and I started to confess about how infrequently I floss. That just led to further guilt about not writing my mother more often, the woman who should have taught me better flossing habits. Augh, now I'm thinking bad thoughts about my mother which is causing my brow to furrow which can only cause wrinkles which are further exacerbated by my tanning, smoking and lack of water drinking bad habits.

Sigh.

No wonder I can't relax. It's a never ending cycle, this guilt thing. How can a person who grew up a spoiled only child feel so guilty about getting things and having things and not doing enough things or doing too many things?? Is it because I feel I can never repay the debt? Don't I work hard to have the things that I do and to keep the people in my life if not completely happy at least not miserable? Why do I feel so guilty? Why is it never enough?

I have so much that goes on inside my head sometimes that I just want to release the pressure valve and let it all out and start over. Let's have some fresh thoughts in here, fresh ideas. No more guilt over things I can't control. No more guilt over things I WON'T control. No more self-abuse. No more passive aggressiveness. No more... NEUROSES!

Well, maybe I'll keep the neuroses for a little while longer. I believe I can be me without them, but they're fun to have around. It's nice to bring them out and show them to certain people sometimes and shock them with their rawness. It's always so funny to me, the people that I come across who really think that I am that Heather Show they always see. That really think I have no downs and no lulls and that really think I am truly as balls to the wall as I pretend I am. I think this is why I'm so prone to questioning that behavior in other people. But then again, that's probaby just projection.

We-ell, I'm dangerously close to wandering all over 7000 different philosophic rants about the nature of being human, but it's late but not too late to ease my withdrawal pangs a little by feeding my addiction a few pages of my book. (I'm reading The Crimson Petal and The White,if you're interested.)

I can't believe I have to admit this, but I really didn't know what it meant to be in a red state vs. a blue state. I just knew that in some states, it apparently "doesn't matter" if you vote or not because it's already decided. (This is sad. Can I move to a state where it matters? How much time do I have??)

Anyways, while searching for this information -- I came across a "are you red or blue" quiz, which was interesting. As it turns out, because I happen to know a lot of "red facts" I come across as red.

Who knew?

My list of things to do is ever-increasing and source of consternation in my marriage. This is pretty funny considering that it's mostly things that I have to do and he doesn't even really know how long this list is. (it's long -- very long.) I spend most waking moments shuffling my mental day planner trying to figure out when the fuck I'm going to clean my house again. Or even have time to nag him to do it! I have a weekend open the end of the month and I'm already convinced this must mean that I have forgotten something that I have to do. This is the only logical explanation.

After all, there's no way I REALLY have time to write a research paper in advance, do I? :-)

More than one draft, indeed!

I really want to blog because I'm here in Charlottesville for Katrina's bachelorette weekend. But, I'm tired and have drank wine all day and had a nervous breakdown last night (wow, will I really blog about that?) and just want to say... I love being able to overanalyze my life with women -- screw you Jennifer, talking is GOOD!

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and
the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and
endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882)

I love this so much I would actually like to put it on the side wall of my blog. Believe it or not, this is almost my creed. Which is a bit contrary to my other philosophy

Practice random acts of sarcasm, and senseless acts of cynicism. -Heather *** (1973-?)

It's hard to have both of these desires at the same time! ;-)

Seriously, can anyone show me HOW to put this on the side wall of my blog? It's the closest I'll ever get to prayer, eh?

Just to break it down, though Lord knows I HATE to over-analyze things (see, random acts...) here are some of those things that I have managed to accomplish.

To laugh often and much: Well, I think we all know just how often and how much. Even my stoic grandmother can attest that I'm always laughing, always happy. And Tony Kahlua can mock me for hours about just how loud that is.

to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children: I don't think it counts that I have faked the funk and gotten the intelligent people to think I was one of them. I've never really had the affection of children and even when I have, it's very fleeting. Perhaps this can explain my issues with "the kid thing"? Anyways, these two things are yet to be checked off the list.

to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; I have occasionally touched on the appreciation of an honest critic, but only by virtue of an association with someone said critic ACTUALLY appreciated. (If I am interpreting this phrase correctly.) And if there is anyone who cannot recite the story by heart of my own endural of the betrayal of a false friend then raise your hands because you are few and far between. Julia, I already know you forgot but at least you remembered that you forgot -- it doesn't count.

to appreciate beauty: You can't live in South Dakota for 5 years and not be able to appreciate beauty. It's kind of outside your door most of the time.

to find the best in others; I struggle with this. I think to be able to see this, you have to find the best in yourself. I REALLY struggle with that.

to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy
child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life
has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882)

I guess this is why I am so drawn to "damsels in distress." While I rarely acquire new friends at my age, it often seems as though when/if I do they are friends I'm trying to rescue. To provide misguided therapy to the desperate masses by sarcasm and blunt cynicism, that is my plan to save the world! :-)

Perhaps I should leave this stuff up to my husband the part time super-hero.

And tune in next time for And Baby Makes... Four?

blog is a word on weboggle

Heather (whining): No one ever comments on my blog anymore.
Scott (in a one-up manner): I only have 2 comments on MY blog.
H: You only have 2 posts!
S: Yeah, but one of them is you.
H: At least I COMMENT on your blog.
S: You don't ever say anything worth commenting on.
H: Now, that's some hurtful shit.
S: (Seinfeldian)What?! All you ever do is get on there and bitch about some stuff.

So, now I'm bitching about him saying I bitch about stuff. It really is a never-ending cycle!

Leave it to us, to fight over whose blog is bloggier.

H.

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like ALL the years you spent trying to develop your self-esteem were completely in vain and all you've been doing is PRETENDING you have self-esteem all this time??

Errr, me neither.

Actually, yesterday was that day for me. I started out the day with the back pain I've been experiencing being at an all-time high. This made me start to get really paranoid that I had somehow re-aggravated the injury from cracking my vertebrae all those years ago. THIS made me remember HOW my back got cracked in the first place (thanks to my wonderful first husband) and reminded me once again what a complete idiot I was in the first place for staying with him after his complete and total lack of compassion throughout that whole ordeal. This is only 8 a.m. and I've already had a really healthy session of beating myself up. Only good things can follow!

Next, I'm driving to work and mentally mapping out an upcoming bachelorette weekend for one of my best friends. She has tagged me as her Maid (sigh, Matron, ick) of Honor and I just don't feel like I'm performing the task all that well. I mean, I have all kinds of rationalizations as to why, (I just got married, combining households, work full time, school part time, there's all this blogging to catch up) but they just sound like excuses and make me feel like I suck. We won't get into the planning of the weekend, but I'm not feeling up to my usual planning nazi level that usually makes us all so proud. (It's really not as easy as it looks to coordinate having 15 people at the same place at the same time all having fun on cue.) HP2 keeps trying to give me reassurances, but my self-esteem levels have reached levels that would cause a loud honking noise to go off if we were in a movie. (We are plummeting towards SelfEst 0. I repeat...) So, while it was a difficult task to accomplish because I am not a contortionist, I managed to get in a healthy dose of beating myself up on the way to work. Just feeling like, if this person who has been my friend for (yikes) 16 years can't rely on me -- who can???

THEN, I had invited a friend up for lunch at work. You would think I would remember this as I am always dying to have someone, anyone from the outside come up to see me (I have begged my husband every day since the beginning of beyond) and it never happens. When you only get half an hour for lunch, you don't have time to go out and see the world and let me tell you -- you miss the world more than you think you will. But, I digress. I didn't remember. I completely forgot and to top it off, my lunch was earlier than usual. So, she came up and waited and waited and waited in the lobby (the security at work rivals the Republican National Convention, no lie)... By the time I found out she was there (came back from lunch to a plaintive voicemail "uh, guess you forgot to tell the guy I was coming..."), she'd already waited probably 20 minutes and I couldn't even go see her because I had a meeting. Tony Kahlua to the rescue. I hate having other people clean up my messes, and this caused yet another round of knocking myself about.

We have our team meeting. I am reminded once again that I am not contributing to the overall welfare of the team because of my limited referrals (this is a work thing, takes too long to explain)... Two other co-workers and I are leaving to go to another team in a couple of weeks and one of the departing co-workers was greatly mourned because of her high level of referrals. We're REALLY going to miss her. They may miss me, but it's only going to help their bottom line when I'm gone. Sigh. Pow, pow.

I come home. It's been a long day of explaining hurricanes and their effects on your insurance. Scott has to work late and comes home to no dinner. This makes me feel like a bad wife. Yeah, I felt bad because of my back, but there are worse things in life and I should've sucked it up and fixed the man something to eat. Bam, pow. He was very supportive and thinking I was a little off in the head -- after all, when have I ever cared that I didn't cook?? Oddly, that just makes me feel worse.

Anyways. It's a new day. I'm a little better on the SelfEst scale, no alarms should sound today.

But then again, I have a Math test tonight and there's nothing like forgetting how to multiply to kick that back into the downward spiral...

Someone sent me one of those "get to know you" quizzes. This is one of the best ones I've seen in a while and I got such a kick out of it that I'm posting it.

Get to know me -- again!

I love this stuff!


1. First name: Heather

2. Were you named after anyone? no, Mom heard the name in a grocery store and loved it

3. Do you wish on stars? sometimes

4. Which finger is your favorite? left hand, ring finger -- corny

5. When did you last cry? week ago Sunday

6. Do you like your handwriting? not anymore -- darn these computers

7. What is your favorite lunch meat? hard salami -- I just realized how phallic that sounds...

8. Any bad habits? The question is: any good habits?

9. What is your most embarrasssing CD on the shelf? I have a Barry Manilow. Yeah, I said it. Singing with the Big Bands

10. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? probably not -- I'm a little intense for me

11. Are you a daredevil? no, not really

12. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? yes, I probably have -- but I have kept lots of really good ones

13. Do looks matter? yes

14. How do you release anger? By picking on Tony Kahlua

15. Where is your second home? wherever Scott is

16. Do you trust others easily? Depends on who they are. Sometimes I will pick up a vibe on people and trust them with all kinds of stuff and then OOPS that was a mistake!

17. What was your favorite toy as a child? my doll Sally

18. What class in school do you think is totally useless? Well, I don't see why science is a requirement but I'm such a nerd that I never think any knowledge is useless

19. Do you have a journal? yes, but I don't write it in as much thanks to the blog

20. Do you use sarcasm alot? Do you breathe a lot?

21. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? a very very very long time ago

22. What do you look for in a guy/girl? I like to laugh more than anything -- I'm willing to overlook most things if you just make me laugh

23. What are your nicknames? in my adult life, the ONLY nickname I ever had that stuck was "Red"

24. Would you bungee jump? yes

25. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I barely own shoes that tie but mostly, no

26. Do you think that you are strong? no

27. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Breyers Coffee holds alltime longest but MooseTracks is a big favorite

28. Shoe size? 8 1/2 W

29. What are your favorite colors? RED, purple

30. What is your least favorite thing? anything I HAVE to do

31. How many wisdom teeth do you have? none

32. How many people have a crush on you right now? gonna go with none

33. What do you miss the most right now? this is such a strange question. RIGHT now the thing I miss the most is a pendant I have lost. I have friends that I'm not as close to as I used to be or people who left my life -- I miss them a lot

34. Favorite food? Sushi

35. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings

36. Relationships or one night stands? I think the one night stands might be a problem with my marriage

37. Favorite board game? I don't have a favorite board game but I love Boggle and Cribbage


Feel free to cut and paste and send back -- I would like to get to know you too.

Sometimes my husband does really cool things.  Like referring to me as the Princess who saved him from an evil corporate oppressor.  Wow, that’s a compliment.

Wanna see more?  Check this out…. http://parttimesuperhero.blogspot.com com

What me worry??

Sometimes I have been accused of being a worrier or worrying too much.  I’m not convinced this is the case, but who ever gets through the day without at least one healthy rationalization (as the saying goes)?  When things come up, I tend to think about all the alternatives.  Maybe I’m a pessimist because I do think about the problems that can come up.  But, then inevitably what happens when I try to relax and let things go and NOT “worry” about them is that other contingencies and issues come up and I feel bad for not having prepared for that. 

So, I try to see potential curveballs in advance so I can avoid them.  I realize this is a neurotic character flaw, but what can I do?  I guess I just don’t really want to fly by the seat of my pants because frankly, that hasn’t served me very well so far.  I try not to overanalyze EVERYTHING, but it’s a hard habit to break.

What’s the answer?  When a change in plans arises, how do I turn off the switch that makes me worry about all of the little supporting details from the change?  This switch got thrown on high power during wedding planning, because it seemed that every minor change seemed to necessitate 15 other changes that just made things more complicated for me than they already were. 

Here’s an example.  Scott and I have been talking about putting a calendar on the refrigerator so that when I’m scheduling our lives away, he has a visual reference.  We found one of those dry-erase calendars during our midnight trip to Wally World on Saturday.  I wasn’t going to get it, preferring a regular calendar.  But, he started talking me into it.  Then he started trying to convince me to get *2* calendars so I could have 60 days planned in advance.  He was having a grand time mocking me for scheduling.  At one point put 5 of these things in the cart so I could be well-planned out.  But I had to agonize over all the contingencies.  30 days isn’t a lot, I’m usually planned about 45 days out.  What about doctor’s appointments well in the future?  What about the magnets on the fridge?  Where do they go?  All these things now have to be ironed out.  It’s cause for pause, as I dorkily will say.  I’m scratching my head over all of the things to be considered, while he is laughing hysterically at my quandary.  (Frankly, I was laughing as much as he was, if not more.)  But seriously, I was prepared to walk away from the thing – why did its purchase suddenly cause added dilemma?

It’s a mystery.

And I’m sending this from work and I keep getting distracted by, well, work.  So, gotta go!

4th Down and 10

There's no denying it any longer. Sundays are officially over. There will be no more getting up late and eating breakfast when most people are thinking about lunch and passing pieces of the paper back and forth for hours into the afternoon... Until we realize that the day has totally passed by and it's time to start thinking about... dinner?! How did it get to be time to think about dinner? I think it's time to play Cribbage for a little while, maybe I would say. He would say, perhaps. But there won't be any Cribbage anymore. Not for a while, anyways. No more Dinners (note the capital D) because those are generally reserved for the boys at Rocky's. Yeah, I'm a little envious of that. Because it means no more hanging out together in smug coupledom, watching whatever HBO original series is showing that Sunday with the gentle teasing back and forth as we compare one another to the characters on the shows.

That's how I think of Sundays, even though it's not every Sunday that it's like this. But because there have been enough of them, I really resent when I lose my Sundays and have to give them over. Surrender them to the League and to Fox and CBS and the Almighty ESPN and yes, to the boys! It's a neurotic thing and I've gotten better to adapting to the shift in our relationship every Season. After last Season, I had acclimated to not having Smug Couple Sunday so much so that when it was time for its return I had to get used to having Scott around all the time again. Get used to not spending the day running around, seeing people, shopping, having lunches, whatever. Had to get used to not having as much Me time and having that amount of We time put bank into the account. It was very odd.

And it's odd when it returns. Because despite all the pre-season denial I was in, there's no denying it any longer. Football Season has officially begun. The Fantasy Football League had its draft tonight and I think the only other time I've seen him this excited was.. Well, it was. Hmm, maybe before the draft last year, now that I think of it! (If only I could tap that excitement and use some of it for good instead of eeeevvill. Ha!) I'm kidding, I'm sure I've seen him this excited over something else before -- I just can't think of when it was. He was so excited over the draft, that I actually caught the fever and was a little excited myself. (Though Lord knows, it's not like I would admit that out loud.) Which really makes me angry. I don't want to get excited over anything to do with football because frankly, I'm more than a little reticent about becoming one of those women who gets into football because "their man" is. Then they say that they REALLY like it and watch it all the time. Maybe they really do, but there's just something I don't really trust about women who are into football. I kind of see it as a betrayal. (I wonder if the reader who went off on my kid thing will go off on me for not liking football... Probably, if she was still reading!) Here is this thing that men will devote hours, weeks, eons more mental energy into than they ever will into figuring out women and what makes us tick -- I have a little bitterness about it. So, if I were to get sucked into it, just to get my Sundays back, then I would be betraying the cause of all womankind -- wouldn't I?

I also have bitterness towards every woman I know who somehow fortunately found themselves falling in love with a man who happens to not be that interested in football. (And there are men who are interested in football, but compared to Scott they are frankly not that interested.) But on the other hand, I can't help on some really twisted level but think that there is something wrong with men who aren't that interested in football. I guess because I have almost never had a man in my life who wasn't somehow obsessed with football, it's a completely foreign concept to me. So foreign that I have this weird relationship with football -- I completely despise having it as any part of my life and yet I can't imagine not having it in my life because it always has been.

Another epiphany -- Touchdown!

H-

ps: I have no real idea what 4th down and 10 means, but I associate that with football and when I think of the game I can hear that same phrase in my head every time. I just tried to get Scott to explain it. It makes a bit more sense now. Damn, that means I'm starting to understand the game and that's how they get you!!

I have a serious addiction problem. I'd join a 12-step program, but I'm not sure if they exist and plus, I don't have the time. Can I have just 6 steps?

My addiction is to my computer. I can't seem to stop being on it. When I'm around it and haven't played on it for a while, I go into withdrawal. I need to be able to surf around and read my email and play Weboggle and Spider Solitaire and read my daily blogs. Occasionally do some real stuff, like research for my English paper.

I realized the extremity of this last night when my mouse died. For no apparent reason. I was trying to help, it needed batteries. I gave it the batteries I thought it craved and it just died. Never to be resuscitated again. Scott says I’m better off since my mouse “sucked.” Maybe it did suck, but it was my mouse and it worked and now it doesn't, which really inhibited my ability to easily, comfortably around the internet. I was jonesing -- and how!

Frankly, I think my addiction is ridiculous. First of all, I check my email religiously. And I NEVER have any. Or it's spam. (Thanks be to Google as my Gmail account hasn't be annihilated yet.) Why do I keep checking? What do I think is going to happen?? My lost friends will decide they want to be friends again? Julia will finally write from Italy? I'll actually GET money from Bill Gates and Microsoft?? Not sure. But I keep checking. And nothing keeps happening.

Then I have to check out my regular blogs. I still check Dave's blog out all the time, even though he's completely stopped posting. I've been reading Cattiva's blog regularly -- which is prolific and actually interesting. It's over there on the side as "does this mean I'm grown up?" But I wouldn't have even known she was out there if she hadn't dropped a line. I'm pretty addicted to a few blogs actually, but I have to cut it down because that's how I got out of my own blogging habit and I really missed it.

Those are the two main things. The rest is random and not easily categorized. I will sometimes check out my 401k stuff to see how it's doing. Sometimes I'm shopping for kittens. Or tvs. Or checking out info for Katrina's up-coming bachelorette weekend. Sometimes I'm just searching for something shiny. Sometimes I find a new game (like that damned Weboggle) and will play it for HOURS. Sometimes I'm offline feeding my other crack-like habit, Spider Solitaire. Just silly things.

Basically, I'm addicted to keep from having a "real life", but I don't know anyone with a real life to compare to so I'm not sure what it means. This is a topic for another, more philosophical blog... But certainly enough to keep me from putting boxes away, doing laundry or dishes or going to get the copies of the wedding pictures I need to get. What is the answer? Is there a cure for this addiction? Do I WANT to be cured??

I'm thinking not. I'm thinking what I really need is some more peach margarita and another round of Weboggle for the road...

Love that research

"The fundamental question is, are children capable of understanding the consequences of their actions? Maybe not; recent studies suggest that the brain’s prefrontal lobe, which some scientists speculate plays a crucial role in inhibiting inappropriate behavior, may not reach full development until age 20."

And yet we recruit boys and girls at the age of 18 to join the military and send them to Iraq to die...

The good part is that our ability to determine the consequences of our actions is developed riiiight before we're legally able to drink and impair it again!

This also explains my first marriage...

I should research things more often... No one ever told me there were things I could actually LEARN on the internet! I thought it was just blogging, emails, porn and games.

Oh, the places I'll go...

If only I could learn to stuff using so many ellipses... :-)

I'm really starting to think it's the little things, not the big ones, that can eat at your marriage. It's been a long time since I've lived with a man and there are so many things that I just don't understand. Things like WHY can't he put the toilet seat down? Or put the lid back on the Q-tip dispenser? Or stop snoring!

Okay, I'm stuck with the snoring but I was thinking about that a lot this morning... I think it's probably obvious why. I feel sorry for the snorers, as much as I feel completely isolated from them by their noise. I'm sure I'm probably one of them (this is when Katrina will likely pipe in) but see, that's the deal with being a snorer -- it's not like you know you're doing it. You can't help that you are doing it, it just doesn't feel that way to the person sharing the bed with you who hasn't been to sleep for a full night in weeks and who firmly believes that you are deliberately making all that noise just to deprive them of sleep. Thankfully, since we are now at my house the snoring doesn't bother me as much because I'm at a much greater comfort level.

But, there is ONE time that it does continue to plague me and that's in the morning. Before we go to bed at night, Scott often likes to watch tv. I'm a princess and the noise makes me crazy when I'm trying to fall asleep but I try to stand it as long as I can. For his sake. Sometimes he's half asleep when it's on and will actually get irritated when I try to turn it off. I could believe you were paying attention if you weren't snoring, dear. The other reason I try to accomodate this is because I like the radio on in the morning while I'm getting ready for work and he's still sleeping. And this is when the snoring has become an issue, because sometimes I have to turn the radio up fairly loud (for a morning volume) in order to hear it over his snoring and he'll half wake up and give me a "can I get some earplugs?" or "turn that down" growl. That's when I'm like -- are you freaking kidding me?? It's only this loud to hear it over YOU!

However, he doesn't KNOW that. It's hard for me to realize that he has no idea how he sounds when he's snoring since everyone in his condo complex must have known. I tried to tape it for him once and play it back.

His response -- "I just sound so happy."

Because I'm too lazy to post a "real" blog as it turns out, then I'm going to insert this thing that we came across at work the other day.

A little background... At the company where I work (name not listed for purposes of keeping my job and stuff) we have "profiles." Our pictures, job titles and who we work for are posted. You have the option to post a little "biography" about yourself, which most people don't. If they do, it's usually "started with The Company in 1998, have this degree and work on this committee."

But then there was THIS guy who took it a step further... So, for your amusement and perusement -- with names and other possibly identifying information I give you...

"Summary:
I would like to take a minute to introduce myself. The name is Name. Bob Name, and I am an actuarial analyst.

Biography:
I have been at The Company for three years now. My job is to set the prices we charge for various insurances. To the uninitiated this may sound very plebeian, but I assure you there is much more to it. The drama, the interactions, the relationships, cohorts, and models that I deal with on a daily basis - astounding and titillating. Almost like a secret world which people at large simply do not know or understand. They cannot understand. No one takes the time and pays the price to understand. So it is up to us. The few who do. Perhaps someday you will join us. Become one of us. Let me tell you of my journey.

My initiation, er, entry into the actuarial science began in Okinawa, Japan. My father was a career Marine and stationed there at the time when my mother picked up the 1992 Job Almanac. She sensed the maximum likelihood for success lay in actuarial science, for a math minded High School aged son like myself. For the moment that method I discarded in favor of following the glorious footsteps of my grandfather and becoming an Engineer, but the actuarial seed had been planted and in time bore its alluring fruit.

I graduated from University in the millennium year with a BS is Statistics, and yes, an actuarial emphasis. I immediately recognized the best employer around and hired on at The Company in the P&C company's actuary department.

I was young, though, and had no credible idea of the power of the Science, or the barriers to overcome to be a true practitioner- A Fellow. Especially the Examination rites. I became acquainted though. Soon the sweat, fright, and dread concomitant with a study of the arts accosted me. Despite the obstructions, with unstable zeal I pressed on, studying delving; searching the arcane arithmetic, training in the actuarial mysteries, and grasping at the minutia of indemnity. My first attempts at the Examinations, ah - so fledging, wholly rejected. But a reticent Company colleague guided me. Finally I succeeded. One test, and then another. My life half indentured, but in return, one test at a time, I am closer to joining the Fellowship.

Years of submitting to Examinations has toughened me now, though the Society still exacts its 'respects' from me. The Company has been a kind patron through the process. In return I have used my newfound skills to benefit the business: analyzing loss experience, forecasting trends, and managing rate adequacy with increasing deftness.

The challenge of shouldering work and Society 'commitments' has not been for the feeble hearted. Such resolution, while advancing my actuarial acumen has concomitantly inured to the benefit of my work. From my start as an apprentice, pricing basic auto states, to receiving responsibility for Florida, to becoming subject matter expert for territory boundary changes, to taking on management of the entire Fire and Allied Lines of business. Soon I will subjugate the last Examination and finally be admitted to the Society of Casualty Actuaries.

And that is where I am today."

Thanks Name, Bob Name for allowing me to take a night off from posting!

You all are a trip -- the test post was from work. I've been having problems sending stuff from work so I decided to try it and then I never had time to post something "real." Because I had other things I was doing to screw around.

I'll post a note in while, off to weboggle. Otherwise known as word crack. :-)

Testing….

Well, if you've ever wondered about fatalities resulting from coconuts, then you need to check this out. Rose and I had a really good laugh over it, but then again -- Rose and I are stupid.

I'm not really sure when my life got away from me. When my contacts with people I care about got away from me. It seems my life is consumed by going to work and watching tv and sleeping. Occasionally fitting in time to go to school and oh yeah, spend time with my husband and my friends.

Got an email from a dear old friend this morning. A regular email, not a forward. Just a hi, how you doing, here's what's going on with me kind of thing. It had been so long since I had gotten that kind of email from anyone that I nearly broke down crying. It's also been as long since I have SENT that kind of email to anyone. My emails seem to consist of sending forwards mostly. If you think about it, we live in an age where it is easier than it ever was before to keep in touch with our friends and we let them drift away time and time again.

With some friends, it's okay. Not okay like it's good that they are drifted but okay in that the foundation is so firm that it would take much much more than lack of contact to break it up. This was the case with my dear old friend -- he and I probably only talk a few times a year, if that. But when we get together, it's like there never was a gap, there never was lapse. We have a comfort level that I have only ever reached with a few people in my life.

There have been so many people in and out of my life, and I guess I just feel like lately there's a lot more going out than coming back in. Most of my friends do not live here, they live hither and non. It's hard to feel connected when you don't have that day to day contact. And I do have friends here and I value them too, but there's something about that older, easy connection that is just impossible to replicate that you search for time and time again. People who have really been down in the trenches with you during your lows, and me with their lows, who really understand what it is that makes you you. People that you just don't have to even exchange complete sentences with who know what you mean and how you mean it and would never even have it occur to them to be offended on any way shape or form.

I had a friend once that walked out of my life. Voluntarily. I still deal with that regularly. Because I also had a friend once of whose life I walked out. Voluntarily. It was the hardest thing I ever did. And my friend who walked out -- she made it seem like it was such an easy choice to make. I still hear about her from time to time and it still kicks me in the gut. Every time. I wonder if my friend that I walked out on, does she feel like that? Does she cringe if she hears my name or happens to have a reason to think about me?? Am I the only one who suffers the guilt of lost friends?? I mean, they lost me too -- right?

And I in my arrogance consider that to be such a huge deficit! :-) They're probably thinking, phew -- sure is quiet now! Sure don't miss all that bruskness. That Heather, she needed to get right with Jesus anyways.

Or whatever it is that people think about me.

Anyways. Friends, Roman, Countrymen -- I love you. I think of you often, I know I'm awful about writing and calling and keeping in touch, but know that when you need an ear to listen, I am that ear. When you need a shoulder to cry on, I am that shoulder. When you need to share your laughter with someone, I will be there. In short, when you need a friend, I am that friend.

H.

we now return to our regularly scheduled post


Well, I guess I did it. Went to the post office today and mailed that evil cow back her purse. It cost me $4.04.

There’s been much debate about this because Scott strongly felt that I shouldn’t do anything to “accommodate” her. I guess it just goes back to our different philosophies. I didn’t look at it as doing something for her, I looked at it as doing something for me. It was the right thing for me to do.

Trust me, I was strongly pulled by all the WRONG things to do. I was given many pointers by my lunch buddies, of whom I’m now afraid of pissing off. Things like filling it with poop and sending it back, etc. But then it got more extreme. Like putting sardines or lunchmeat in it and letting it sit outside and then sending it back. Scary. It wasn’t things I wanted to do that I was afraid of, it was things I wanted to say.

Things like how could you cut your only child out of your life rather than try to see that you are part of the problem?? Things like how can you have said those things about me, about us? I’m not saying I was above blame, but I really did try hard to keep the lines of communication going between them and I feel like I just somehow went horribly awry. Like it’s somehow my fault that it degenerated to this. To having a dead mother in law. It makes me very very sad.

Just makes me think about the kid thing again. There are just so many potential for things to go wrong. It’s scary. Maybe Jen’s right. Maybe it’s not that I don’t want them, I’m just overcome by fear. But, I think if you look at my family history, my husband’s family history and many of the family’s I’ve been exposed to – it starts to shed some light on all of that. But we digress.

Note -- this blog was originally typed from work but blogger wouldn't let me send. A different spin but another theory.

So, this chapter with the evil cow has drawn to a close. We’ll see what the future holds. I’m quite certain she’s still out there wearing those ruby slipper waiting for the house to drop on her...

Re: My Missing the Point of Children...

I was going to add this to the comments, but then figured might as well just post.

"You obviously miss the total point of children." I don't even understand this. How can anyone who is alive miss the point of children? I was a child once, we all were. I think this writer must be missing my point. I'm not talking about "the point of children" -- that's ridiculous. That doesn't even make sense.

Next. "Not everyone who has children actually PLANS to have children. Not everyone who PLANS to have children gets a child. Children are gifts of God. Their survival is a gift of God." I'm thinking this comes from something personal that has happened to this writer or someone the writer knows. However, with all due sensitivity I think things have been blown out of proportion just a tad. Perhaps the writer doesn't understand that I am not, in fact, an idiot. I am aware that not everyone who has kids plans them and that there are people who plan to have kids who don't. I don't live in a cave. I live on Earth, the planet. Let me now clarify that I am not trying to undermine the struggles of parents who have unplanned children nor am I trying to undermine the struggles of people who want to have children and can't. Let's try to take this down to a less serious level. It's inside MY head -- I'm talking about me. I'm talking about pressures I feel from parents (planned or otherwise) and people who WANT to be parents (able to or not) to procreate myself. Who said anything about God??

And now "Your life changes because YOU choose to change." I know this is in regard to having children, but anyone who can say this to ME has clearly never met me and has no idea the changes I've been through. This comment is officially marked from the record. I mean, this is one of my mantras. Duh.


Then there was: "If you do not feel the need to have a child...save us all a lot of trouble and DONT. No one is trying to change your mind." Um, wasn't this whole point of my post? That people are in fact trying to change my mind and that I'm trying to save you all a lot of trouble?? I fail to see how my having kids is going to trouble THIS writer, however. Will s/he be coming over to babysit when I can't be bothered to take care of the little ones? Are they first in line of list of beneficiaries in my as-yet-unwritten will?? This is very odd. I fail to see how anyone BUT me will be troubled but I guess I'm just naive. But again, the point is that I'm trying to spare you. You the beleaguered public. But, yes ma'am/sir -- people are trying to change my mind. Thank God you stepped in and showed me the error of their ways!!

And lastly, "By the way....My child loves sushi." Um, kay. Still probably won't be inviting your child out for sushi. I have a feeling you're okay with that.

So, that's all... Enjoy your evening.

The Kid Thing

Here's the thing. I'm 31. Rolling steadily towards 32. The urge to have kids hasn't hit me yet. I'm not saying that it NEVER hits me, it does. There are times when I'm around cute kids and I think about how my life could be changed by having kids. But, inevitably my inherent selfishness kicks in and the feeling passes.

It's similar to the urge I get to exercise.

Most of the rest of the women in my life are mom or moms-in-waiting. Many of them frequently get baby urges. This is not something I can relate to even a little bit so it makes me feel very very isolated. I wish I had these urges so I could relate. I don't.

I've been told that I have said that I don't like children. That seems harsh, even for me. I don't deny that I may have said it, but fuck it -- I say lots of things. I'm not going to be inviting any kids to go have sushi any time soon, but I do think they are adorable and marvelous and all that sunshine out of your ass stuff. (Hmmm, who's PMS'ing?) I just can't see myself having them around. All the time. I mean, I barely have enough time to take somewhat decent care of myself -- how could I fit someone else into that equation??

I have an ENORMOUS amount of respect for mothers -- for parents in general, but mothers more. There's so much sacrifice that's involved -- it's such a huge commitment in the first place. (Assuming, of course, that one has actually DECIDED to have kids.) You give up your body for at least 9 months and you give up your heart forever. It's huge. I'm too... something to make this leap.

Moms will try to bring me over all the time. I can't understand this. You know what I'm talking about -- because if you're a mom, you've probably done it to someone. Oh, it's different when it's your kid. You love them so much you don't realize the sacrifices. It changes your life forever. Etc etc.

Why on Earth would you want to talk someone into doing something that they're not really that interested in in the first place? This makes NO sense to me. Hey, how 'bout if you just have an extra kid and say it's to replace the one I didn't have? It'll even out. Because if I said that I think that I'm too lazy to have a pet, then you certainly wouldn't be taking me to the SPCA -- but you think this doesn't carry over to actual little humans? Is there more respect for animal life than human life?

Well, not if you ask PETA. But I digress.

I think people just want to see what it would be like to see me with a baby. All the time. I'll tell you how to see that -- bring a gorilla a kitten. It'll be like that.

And yet, despite this enormous rant I say that it's not like I'm saying never never ever. I'm just not any time soon, can't picture it, can't imagine it, don't desire it, don't crave it, how bout let's let it go??

All right.

In our next blog we'll be mocking an anonymous person from my work. Bring your dictionaries, there will be many big words...

-H

I’m trying to get accustomed to being able to blog from work, but it’s hard.  I’m used to goofing off but at this level – it’s extreme.  Well, I don’t know.  The time I shopped for linens for an hour might be up there too.  It was MOSTLY between phone calls.  So, I thought I’d try to send off a vignette from time to time to try to get in the habit.

Unfortunately, I’m vignetteless at the moment…

I get busy doing things like this, which takes away from my blogging.

It's hard work slacking, but someone's gotta do it.

But, I swear -- I will post about The Kid Thing soon. Very soon.

Testing off-line email posting.

Open up and say ahhhh...

Had dental work done today -- always my favorite thing in life -- and because my mouth is still so numb, I can't eat. So, I've decided to drink my dinner instead. What fun! I should have started this years ago, now it's going to take me TONS longer to become an alcoholic! It's really not very easy drinking either, but I am muddling through because I am a survivor!!

Because I was home earlier than usual, I was subjected to a kid trying to sell stuff door to door. This is one of my greatest weaknesses. You come to my door with your goodies and I am hard-pressed to say no. Good thing I don't live in a crack neighborhood.

Oh, wait I do!

Anyways, I almost bought Scott a "Just Say No to Drugs" mug but the irony was too rich. I even managed to resist the peanut brittle and those candy coated peanuts. It's a wonder how having a numb mouth can make you resist your "crunch" cravings.

Perhaps I could start keeping novacaine around the house to help me resist my munchies. Wouldn't that be fabulous??

I was going to blog abou....

We interrupt this blog to bring you a late breaking FAR MORE INTERESTING BLOG!!!

Whoa. Wow. Just got email from my "mother in law" -- which is odd since she's dead. Let's post it, shall we??

"Heather,
I really do need my black evening bag back as soon as possible. I had no idea you still had it until I needed it. We have all the Shrine conventions here and Myrtle Beach coming up in the next few wks. It has been 5 days since Carol called and asked for it back. I really try not to bother you, but I would have thought when you ran across it you would have made sure it was returned immediately after so long. You can mail it to me if personally returning it is to difficult or Scott can just stick in the office door on the copier and not have to see anyone. Thank you for your expedience in this matter. I will be looking for its return very shortly.
Lora"

Didn't even get to share THIS little gem. She loaned me her bag while we were on the cruise and one thing led to another and it never got returned. Now she's using collections tactics to get it back.

What on EARTH do we think we should do about this? Scott wants to take a dump in it and then return it. I think we should put her email address on a bunch of sex websites. (Hmm, just thought of that one.) I think I should let her sweat.

Anyone got any thoughts on this one??

I didn't have internet last night (the HORROR), so I had to write something in Word. It's funny but since I have more people in my circle blogging these days, I'm suddenly feeling more bloggery. Now when I have less time than ever!!

Here's the post -- later!

August 15, 2004 11:56pm

Sometimes while Scott and I are in the middle of another one of our ironing out (with a steamroller, I might add) sessions over our communication issues, I will come to a realization about the nature of our problem. It will be as if a door opened up in my head. With the light POURING in… It’s how I imagine having an epiphany of a religious sort must feel. Like a brain orgasm. ::bam::

And the thing about that that is so frustrating is that I will try to share this with him and he just doesn’t have the same reaction. It’s like an A-HA moment and I’m left all alone with it. And don’t tell me it isn’t possible to have that with another person because we’ve totally had that happen. One of us will spark with an idea and the other one is right there – throwing kerosene on it and really getting it GOING. So, when I have these moments and they’re not shared that is a very hard thing. I guess I just forget sometimes that we really are two separate people. I’m not sure that’s a good or bad thing but I know he has that sensation sometimes too.

That’s actually what the aha moment was about. The realization that DUH I think we’re the same person which is why I make so many assumptions. I assume he will feel the same way that I do about everything and many times he assumes the same thing. He will share information that seems to want to pique my interest – because it piques HIS interest. I do that too. It’s the constant search for validation.

Which again is a good and bad thing. Because he really does validate me in many things. Just not always the areas I “expect” to be validated in.

Anyways, it was the epiphany thing I was focusing on but got sidetracked by WHAT the epiphany was about. It’s a “forest for the trees” approach to conversation which I am quite often guilty of.

It’s not often I have the sensation of having an explosion only in my brain. Especially the older I get and the less I seem to be exposed to new ideas, new thoughts, new… Anything. That’s why I like meeting new people. It’s like the modern version of explorers sharing stories of the lands they’ve visited. Here’s what we’ve got here… WOW, that’s crazy – I’ve never heard of anything like that before. ::bam:: Here we have THIS instead. WOW, that’s what’s really crazy – no one’s ever heard of anything like that before.

:::bam:::

It's nice to be loved...

I've been having phone problems -- unbeknownst to me -- and my friends sent out the bat signal to get back in touch with me. It's these moments when you realize that you are loved and it makes somehow all seem worth it.

Went to a party last night in Ghent. Wow. That was like going through a mini time warp. I haven't hung out in Ghent in years. Probably since my dear friend Adam moved out of his apartment. And that was... Well, it was a while ago. Anyways, it was cool. It took me at least an hour to work up the nerve to go and hang with people that I didn't know (other than the hosts). I'm THAT out of the loop of being social in a "new" scene.

Ridiculous. I had a great time. Had some light party chatter, had several Hurricanes (in honor of the weather), and did a little gnoshing. Really meant to spend more time getting to know several people at the party, but wound up spending most of the time with one of my host's co-workers because of my never-ending need to play Matchmaker and was trying to gauge if I thought she would be a good match for Scott's best friend.

I'm still on the fence. She's definitely a cute girl and lots of fun, but not sure if it's the right kind of cute and the right kind of fun. Not good a pairing people up really -- after all, look how long it took me to get it right for ME. And I know me better than anyone else.

When Harry Met Sally is playing on TCM right now. Just makes me feel so sappy that I can't tare myself away. It's almost here -- my line!! "Because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life with someone you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

I can STILL cry at this scene!! :-)

H.